i can't breathe without you, but i have to.

"I never wanted this, never want to see you hurt. Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve. But people are people, and sometimes it doesn't work out. Nothing we say is going to save us from the fallout. And we know it's never simple, never easy. Never a clean break, no one here to save me. You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand, and I can't breathe without you, but I have to."

--> Taylor Swift, "Breathe"

"I'm still alive, but I'm barely breathing. I just prayed to a god that I don't believe in... When a heart breaks, no, it don't break even."

--> The Script "Breakeven"

"Picture perfect memories, scattered all around the floor. Reaching for the phone, because I can't fight it anymore. And I wonder if I ever cross your mind. For me, it happens all the time."

--> Lady Antebellum, "Need You Now"

What does it mean to truly love another?

Those are the opening words of the book Dear John. For John, in the book, truly loving Savannah was letting her move on with her life. But when I read it in January, it killed me. I was sad for days, struck by a novel that did not relate to my life at the time.

It makes more sense now.

I made the decision to end a relationship. It was all my own, and I know for a fact that it wasn't mutual. And working through those feelings has been nightmare-ish. But I know, in my lucid mind, that it was the right decision. Next year, I could be in any part of the country, because I will move to whatever school accepts me. But being back on the campus where we met, walking through the spaces where we fell in love... it's killing me. I'm dying, slowly but surely, and yet I'm trying to stay strong. Because if I can't stay strong, this sadness, this depression will pull me under. And I've already been under. It's not a pretty place.

I'm trying to rebuild. I'm trying to find strength inside me. After a while, I start to lose any ground I've gained. But I'm trying.

I wish I could somehow convey that my love will never be lost. I'm not even sure it will fade. It has just changed to the point that it isn't right anymore. We can't recover, because we don't see eye to eye. And that just kills me.

"When all you've got to keep is strong, move along, move along, like I know you do. And even when your hope is gone, move along, move along, just to make it through."

--> All American Rejects, "Move Along"

"Before the light, I found the dark. Before tonight, I fell apart. Frozen up, I've realized that something's got to change. It took a crash to understand that time kept slipping through my hands. I never used to know the sun will shine after the rain."

--> Tamar Kaprellian, "New Day"

you made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter.

A lot has changed in the past month. There were endings. And there were some beginnings.

Here I sit, in my mom's cousin, Robert's basement, and I am starting to reflect on the summer. It dragged on, but it also flew by. A lot has happened. I let go of some things that I have been holding tight to for the last two years. I learned to walk in heels. I took public transportation to and from work. I broke someone's heart. I chopped off my hair. I... grew.

In this mayhem of a process, I have discovered this:

"She said 'Oh, I've got to go and find me.' Oh, she found the strength to break free. Like a painted wild mustang flying out across the open range. She finally gets to live her life that way. No fear, no fences, nobody. No reins."

Leave it to Rascal Flatts, as always. So. Graduate school has changed. I have a list, and I've started filling out applications. All I know is that I need to leave the midwest for a while. I have to see what else is out there for me. And the coasts are calling.

"Is there life out there? So much she hasn't done. Is there life beyond her family and her home? She's done what she should, should she do what she dares? She doesn't want to leave, she's just wondering, is there life out there?"

-->Reba