so much has happened since i last wrote.
we won a battle on election day, for starters. and i actually feel like i brought some good to the world.
i wrote a book. i've sent it to some friends and family for feedback, and so far have heard good things. and some constructive criticism, which i appreciate. but mostly encouraging things. i'm thinking of trying to get published. how crazy is that?
i met someone. i got a new apartment to myself in the city. i started a math class that has been driving me bonkers ever since. i'm happy. life is good.
i haven't written in a while. i've always found that i have the tendency to write more when i am unhappy, when life isn't going as i wanted it to go. i guess that isn't necessarily true. i write all the time. but i blog more when i get low. just before writing this, i reread a post from back in april. when i took a hiatus, because i wasn't getting treated like i deserved to be treated. i couldn't help but feel for the person who wrote that, because it's not me anymore. i've grown a lot since then.
i don't know if my skin is necessarily thicker, but i think i'm just more content in my life. i like where things are going. and i can see very clearly that some things are the exact opposite of what i thought they were. i've always been a people-pleaser. it's who i am. but i know now that i can't do it anymore. why put up with people who don't deserve you when there are people out there who do? that's what i've discovered. i'm not a mean person, by any means. but communication is a two-way street.
in that post from april, i was very caught up on whether or not i allowed people to treat me badly. i was adamant in the post that i didn't. because who would allow that? but looking back... i think i did. just not in the literal way that i had been thinking about when i wrote it.
here's the thing about life that took me a while to realize. you can't control how people treat you. that's up to them and to their morals and conscience. but you can control how you respond. i used to just ignore the nasty remarks and treat these people like i would everyone else. but i don't do that anymore. unconsciously, i started putting up walls. now, the people who don't respect me don't receive something in return - me. they don't get the real me. they get a fake version, a nice version who doesn't actually tell them anything about what's going on in my life or what things are really like. they get a ghost, a shell.
my best friend and i have been communicating by email since we both graduated from college and moved to our respective homes in different states. and to keep things interesting, we have been exchanging questions back and forth, so we are constantly learning about the other. it's fun, and it appeals to that part of both of us that wants to know people in a deeper way than just what is presented on the surface. well, one of my questions was "if a movie was made about your life, who would you want to play you and the people close to you?" when he answered it, he cheesed up the entire thing by saying that he thought i could only play myself. probably because i'm admittedly weird, and there's probably no one out there like me. i took it as a cheesy compliment, haha. but lately, i've been thinking about it more. i laughed because i can't act worth a damn, or so i thought. i think i was wrong. i think i'm acting most of the time, pretending to be the me that the people i'm with want to see. who am i, really? when am i truly myself?
when i'm with my sister, and my family, and my best friends, and the guy i'm seeing. when i'm with the people i trust. a person can't act all the time. that would be exhausting. but i get it now. i understand why actors are so often typecast. because it's hard to not slip in little glimpses of who you really are when you're acting.
and if you really want to know who i am, read what i write. that's where i express everything.
there's a song that i recently discovered by imagine dragons called "demons." the chorus says it all:
when you feel my heat, look into my eyes.
it's where my demons hide, it's where my demons hide.
don't get too close, it's dark inside.
it's where my demons hide, it's where my demons hide.
i'm really happy with where my life is right now. i'm not sure if this post has expressed it like i intended, but i truly am. but everyone who has some demons will understand what i mean when i say that you can never completely outrun them. i have my share, even when it's something as insignificant as people who have treated me like a doormat for years. you learn to cope. i've taken up acting as a side occupation. and writing. and it was through my writing that i discovered that you can't run forever. you might as well stand up on your own two feet and face it. so i act. because i have high standards. and if you don't deserve me, you're not going to get me. it's as simple as that.
"when the days are cold, and the cards all fold, and the saints we see are all made of gold. when your dreams all fail, and the ones we held are the worst of all, and the blood's run stale. i want to hide the truth. i want to shelter you. but with the beast inside, there's nowhere we can hide. no matter what we breed, we still are made of greed. this is my kingdom come. this is my kingdom come."
- imagine dragons, "demons"
