how to save a life.

"As he begins to raise his voice, you lower yours and grant him one last choice. Drive until you lose the road, or break with the ones you follow. He will do one of two things: he will admit to everything, or he'll say he's just not the same, and you'll begin to wonder why you came. Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend, somewhere, alone in the bitterness. And I would have stayed up with you all night had I known how to save a life."

--> The Fray, "How to Save a Life"

It has been an event-filled series of days. I'm still processing some of them, to be honest, but they have all greatly improved my mood. I can now say with confidence that I am going to be just fine, and I'm going to get past all of the shit that has fallen on me these last few months. Karma's a bitch, but I think she's finally on my side again. Thank goodness.

1. I got my first grad school interview! So there is a little ray of sunshine in this disgusting mess of a year. 2011 might start out well after all.

2. I didn't fail any of my classes, which I honestly was a little afraid of. It was a tough semester.

3. Christmas was wonderful, and talking to my family put me in much better spirits. Those were the gatherings that I used to dread, but now I look forward to them.

4. Being home has healing powers. I had been doing pretty well at the end of the semester, especially after my dodgy meeting with him on the last day of finals. He wouldn't look at me, apologized for something strange, and couldn't wait to get me out of this apartment. I can see us being good friends down the road, but he needs to grow up first. But once I got home... I felt so wonderful. I have just been reading and relaxing, and being me. I have seen my high school friends, and I built a tunnel in the snow with my sister. It's great... so much so that I almost don't want to go back to school. Hmm.

5. Harry Potter is awesome. I'm rereading the entire series, and it's been so enjoyable. I am almost halfway through the third book, and I've barely been home a week. Love.

You may be wondering about the title of this post. I don't have the rules on how to save a life, but I finally figured out how to salvage mine. A little faith, a little strength, and a lot of love. That's what worked for me.

I'm dreading returning to Hope a little bit, which I've never said before. But I think of all the ridiculous drama that I left behind there, and I don't want to go back to it at all. I think of him, and of his new girlfriend, and of her/my friends who were passing along messages to me, and of all of the hurt and sadness that I left in my apartment. I don't want to deal with it anymore. I want someone who is going to stand beside me, someone who won't run away at the first sign of a rough patch. Admitting that I made a mistake and apologizing should have been enough to prove to him that I still loved him, and if he had loved me like he said he did, he would have tried to work through it with me. Instead, preferring to save himself, he left me high and dry, alone to figure out my life. A person filled with love wouldn't have done that, and that has made me realize that I will be ok.

If he had loved me like I thought he had, he would have talked to me. He would have waited for me. He would have been there for me when I needed a friend. He would have sat with me through the tears, he would have stopped me from carving into my arm, he would have listened when I was at my lowest and was calling out for help. But he didn't do any of that. He didn't love me like I needed him to. Realizing this has shown me how to save my own life.

He never reads my blog entries, but if he is reading this one, I hope he sees that I'm not blaming him. I'm blaming myself for wanting him to be someone he wasn't. He is the kind of person who would choose to save himself over someone else, if given the choice. I needed and wanted someone who would choose me. I shouldn't have to beg, to pull a Meredith Grey. (You know, the "pick me, choose me, love me" line?) But for what it's worth, I wish he would haven't picked me, chose me, and loved me.

It's ok now, though. I'm not bitter, I'm not angry, and I'm not sad. I'm just done.

"Someday, maybe somebody will love me like I need. And someday I won't have to prove, because somebody will see all my worth. But until then I'll do just fine on my own, with my cigarettes and this old dirt road."

--> The Wreckers, "Cigarettes"

i'm a fool with dreams.

Home. I'm finally home. I'm happy and sad all at the same time. This place is like a walking museum, with memories hanging like paintings on the walls. It's hard, when I'm not sure I want to remember them.

I am always wondering if he feels the same way about his house. About his room. Am I all over his house, like he's all over mine? Does he have the pictures, the memories stored away on a shelf in his room, like I do? I know he does. He told me where he put everything in his house. We're one, but we're not the same. We have handled this very differently. But I now have something to hold on to, something that reassures me that this truly is for the best. I think of Scotland. I think of all of the pictures I took, all of the memories I made, and how much I just wanted to share them with him. He never looked at my pictures. He didn't want me to change there, and he certainly didn't want to grow with me. When I get sad, I have to think of that. This isn't the end of the world. Somewhere, there is someone who will want to look at my pictures. Maybe it will be him in a few years, or maybe I'll never speak to him again. I don't know, but that's ok. I've never been able to say that before and truly mean it. But now I mean it.

Today is 12/21. In two years, according to the Mayans, the world is going to end. The winter solstice of 2012. I have a lot that I want to accomplish in these two years. I want to start grad school in the fall. I want to fall in love again. I want to find my future, I want to have a path, so that if the world were to truly end, I would be content with myself. I don't want to be wishy-washy about everything anymore. I'm finally utilizing my strengths, and I want that to have paid off by this time two years from now. I want to have found happiness, success, everything a person dreams of.

Maybe I'm just a fool with dreams, and maybe these dreams aren't ever going to become a reality. But maybe (hopefully) they will.

"I'm fool with dreams, and not a lot of things. I swear that I will be all you need. Don't give up on me. Give me one more day. Don't give this all away. We'll be fine, you'll see. Just don't give up on me."

--> Framing Hanley, "Fool with Dreams"

i never get what i give.

To those I love--

I am starting my New Year's Resolution early. It's starting tomorrow, on my first day of Christmas break, and hopefully I'll be able to stick to it. I need this, because I know it is going to help me heal. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but I am tired of having my own feelings hurt. I need to do this.

I have entitled this resolution "Don't Speak Until Spoken To."

Here's the thing. I have always been the one to keep up relationships, whether they be friendships or actual relationship. It is always my effort, and I'm honestly very tired of it. So, starting tomorrow, I am not going to speak until spoken to. Why should I go out of my way for people who don't really care about me at all? All I want is to get what I give. I have only really had it once, and I lost it. I had someone who cared about me, who wanted to spend his life with me, and... I let him go. And I have to live with that, so I'm living with it by doing this. By making this resolution. Because I want to get what I give.

I was in Scotland for 5 months, and then I was in Washington DC for another 3. Those are 8 months that I hardly remember, and I definitely can't get them back. In that time, I made some mistakes, and I have some regrets. I can't take any of it back, and I wish more than anything that I could. So this is how I'm going to handle it. I'm not going to speak until spoken to, because I want to get what I give.

It sounds depressing. I'm building my own little fortress of solitude, but I have to protect what little heart I have left. I have felt betrayed by my friends this semester. Most don't care about how I'm doing. And the ones who pretend to care, or maybe really do, don't actually want to talk to me about how I'm doing. I only truly want one person to care. Maybe he does, as he says he does. But he doesn't want to talk to me about it. He doesn't want to make me feel better. He just wants to live his new life. When I talk to him, I can still see that we were perfect. He was himself with me, because you can't fake your personality for 2 years. And I hope he's being himself in his new life. But I'm done trying to care. I'm done reaching out. I'm just... done. Because he doesn't give me what I give him anymore. So I am not going to speak to him until he speaks to me. Even if it's never.

He gave up on me. So I am giving up on everyone. It sounds completely crazy, but I need to do this. I need to see who my friends actually are. I want him to prove to me that he cares after all. I want everyone to prove that to me. Do I think it's going to happen? No. Not by a long shot. Because he's never been that kind of guy. But I need to do this. I need to.

I want to get what I give. Will you give me what I deserve?

With all the love in my heart during the holidays,

Amanda

"But you hurt somebody who would die for you. Somebody who cares so much they'd gladly give it all up if that's what they had to do. It runs deeper than flesh and blood. Heaven knows no greater love than the sacrifice they'd make to see you through. Somebody who would die for you."

--> Tracy Lawrence, "Somebody Who Would Die For You"

Day 54: i get a little bit stronger.

This week has been a little rough. Somehow, though, I'm still feeling pretty good about everything. I have a resilience that I didn't realize until all of this happened. It has been liberating discovering that I am truly stronger than I ever realized, and I get stronger everyday. Even when things knock me down, even when I don't feel all right, I get a little bit stronger.

Two things happened this week that have made me rethink everything I have been feeling for the past several months:

A boy from my high school died on Tuesday. (Yes, TUESDAY. I don't make this stuff up, people.) He got hit by a train in Colorado, where he was living. I didn't personally know him, but I had met him several times, and I knew who he was through my cousin, who graduated with him. He was one of those people who was everyone's friend, and everyone knew who he was because he had a huge heart and a great sense of humor. And now he's gone, and our entire town is crumbling. It's terrifying to see how short life actually is.

I almost got hit by a truck today. It seems like it shouldn't have bothered me, but it did. I was in the crosswalk, doing everything right, and I still saw my life flash before my eyes. It sounds extreme, but after what happened on Tuesday, it's not, I don't think. It's life, and life is tragic and unfair. And the unfairness of that statement doesn't escape me, and neither does the irony in it.

I know exactly how I feel about him now, after going back and forth and being wishy-washy for months. I don't need him, which is something that I haven't been able to admit to myself since I got back to school. I am perfectly ok without him, except for being lonely. But I do want a relationship with him, even if it's only a friendship. I'm done pushing for anything, I'm done asking questions, I'm done with all of that. It's too complicated, and I don't need it. I am (for once) going to take his words at face value: that he still cares, but can't give me anything else. Right now, that's enough for me.

I only want him to know that I care about him. And I want there to be a good sense of finality between the two of us. I want it to end on a good note, and I don't feel like that is the case right now. We're ok, but we're not good. And I would like us to be good. I'm not sure if that can happen for us right now, but it's all I want.

"When I close my eyes, I see you, no matter where I am. I can smell your perfume through these whispering pines. I'm with your ghost again. It's a shame about the weather. I know soon we'll be together, and I can't wait till then. I can't wait till then."

--> Zac Brown Band, "Colder Weather"

Day 50: i'm stuck in colder weather.

"He said, I wanna see you again, but I'm stuck in colder weather. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Can I call you then? She said, you're a rambling man, and you ain't ever gonna change. You've got a gypsy's soul to blame, and you were born for leaving."

--> Zac Brown Band, "Colder Weather"

I have been ok. It has snowed constantly for the last two days, which is really lifting my spirits. I love snow! However, I have moments several times a day when the world just goes dark. And I picture him with someone else, and it almost brings tears to my eyes.

I haven't contacted him in almost a week, and I have no intention of doing so any time soon. He needs to have his little fling, or whatever it is. And I need to disappear. It's a bit amusing to me. I disappeared when the snow hit. I'm stuck in colder weather.

Because we are both RA's, I know I will see him in January for sure. And if I was to run into him today, I would probably react to whatever he did. But I'm not going to. I know that.

I've gotten stronger in the last week. I am doing better than I have been all semester. I have stuff to do, and I'm getting it done. My procrastinations are now back to normal, instead of the depressing things I have been stuck in all semester. I'm doing well.

And then there's this song. It's making me just happy. I get to walk through the snow listening to this song, and I just am always smiling. It's been a pretty good weekend. :)

"You've just got to ignite the light and let it shine. Just own the sky like the 4th of July. Because, baby, you're a firework. Come on and show 'em what you're worth."

--> Katy Perry, "Firework"

Day 47: i don't want to be someone else's maybe.

Many interesting things have happened since Monday, to the point where I can hardly begin to describe them. Some were bad, but mostly, they were pretty good. And to be honest, the one thing that I thought would break me, that I thought would make this week completely terrible, was a life-saver.

Tuesday was a bad day. Anyone who knows me shouldn't be terribly surprised at that statement, but it was completely true this week. My first grad school applications were due on Wednesday, and I was still missing recommendations. I had a big research proposal due in superchem that I was having trouble concentrating on because the grad school business was blowing up. I wanted a hug, let's be honest. And that's a rare impulse for me. So, I emailed him. I know I shouldn't have, and I regretted it soon after, when I got on facebook. That's the next part of the story.

Oh, facebook. I have such a love/hate relationship with facebook. But I couldn't concentrate, so I was browsing the newsfeed. And that's when I saw the first thing that I thought would break me. His dad posted pictures from Thanksgiving. And Rebound Girl was in one of them, with him and his mom. She went home with him for Thanksgiving. I had (and have) been officially replaced. I can't recall ever being in a family picture with him, and if I was, they were never put on facebook. I can't remember, to be honest. But it was like a literal punch in the stomach. So I turned on Glee. Haha.

Part two. During Glee, I got a reply to my email. I figured it would be just a short blip from him, saying he couldn't be there for me because of this and that. That's what it always was, but asking made me feel better. But that wasn't it at all. It was full-out yelling. Honestly, he was a complete dick, an asshole, someone I didn't recognize. After Glee ended and all of my roommates went to do their homework, I went into the basement by myself and cried until there was nothing left. I thought I would just lay around all night after that, but I didn't. I got up, and I didn't respond to his email. It was probably the strongest thing I have ever done.

To finish the story, he emailed me again a couple of hours later, apologizing and saying that everything he said had been out of line. But to me, it didn't matter. It had already been said. I made plans to return the season of one of our favorite shows to him that I had borrowed over Thanksgiving, and that was all. And then on Wednesday, I went and returned it, and I didn't go inside when he invited me in. I stood in the hallway, and then I walked away. I walked away. That was the second strongest thing I have probably ever done.

I'm not a saint, and I know that I am mostly to blame in this entire situation. We would have been ok if I could have left everything the hell alone. But that's not my style, clearly. I want to fix everything. But some things just can't be fixed. But, as the title so eloquently says, I refuse to be someone else's maybe. I can see, now that all of this has happened, that I mean nothing to him anymore. For some reason, it took him yelling at me for me to see it.

A whole bunch of good things happened on Wednesday that made up for the crappiness that was Tuesday. My friend and former roommate got into three dental schools, and we had cake to celebrate. All of my grad school applications were finally completed. And it snowed! Holland is now (almost) a winter wonderland. :)

The rest of the story about him and Rebound Girl is pretty hilarious, really. I have had a shit ton of people ask me about her, because everyone knows that he and I dated for forever. I always just chuckle and say what I know about it. I have my spies, so I've got the scoop on her. This is a small campus, besides. Apparently, though, she is a damn saint, and she's super sickly on top of that. I have come to the conclusion that it would be really bad karma to feel any sort of jealousy toward her, haha. So instead I just feel this incredible curiosity. Hence the spies with their feelers out for me. And yes, I realize she has a name, but I call her Rebound Girl, ReG for short. Ha.

There is an overall hilarious and also an overall terrifying message to take away from this.

Terrifying: This is our senior year at a very conservative, marriage-centric college. There is a chance he might actually marry ReG, and be repressed for the rest of his life. Does that make me sound jealous? Maybe. But that's not it at all. I am one of few people who have ever really known him. And I know for a fact that he's not being his complete self with her.

Hilarious: His ex-girlfriend, the one who has been reading these posts without my knowledge? She is best friends with ReG. Hahahahahahahahahaha. I hope she's reading this one. :)

Here are some songs to showcase how I've been feeling lately:

"When push comes to shove, you taste what you're made of. You might bend till you break. It's all you can take. On your knees, you look up. Decide you've had enough. You get mad. You get strong. Wipe your hands. Shake it off. Then you stand."

--> Rascal Flatts, "Stand"

"Turn it up a little bit louder. Turn it up, I love this song. Come on, now, the world is ours. Let's do something right or wrong. Life is short, so let's go live it. Ain't no time for wasting time. Days like these, they go by so fast. Yeah, days like these, you want to make them last."

--> Jason Aldean, "Days Like These"

"You find your faith has been lost and shaken. You take back what's been taken. Get on your knees and dig down deep. You can do what you think is impossible. Keep on believing. Don't give in. It will come and make you whole again. It always will, it always does. Love is unstoppable."

--> Rascal Flatts, "Unstoppable"