you make me crazier, crazier.

Well.

First, I want to note that I was having a rough day last Thursday. There was something about it... I woke up in the morning, and I just knew it was going to be one of those emotional days. It certainly didn't help that after I finally stopped crying and went to my chem lab that I realized my professor is quite the asshole. Sorry, pardon my... colorful language. But for real... he's a big jerk. Boo.

So. Updates. Well, I never really mentioned Dublin in my last post, but yes, we were in Dublin two weekends ago now. It was great! But we definitely weren't there long enough, and if I were to go back, I would want to be with Justin. I've noticed that cities especially bring that feeling out. There's something about the hustle and bustle that makes me want to just get lost, and there's no one I'd rather get lost with than him. The nature and hiking stuff isn't his style anyways, and those are the trips that I really appreciate when I'm here, in this beautiful place. Because I know that if I ever came back here and Justin was with me, we wouldn't go on those kinds of adventures, unless he wants to put himself through major surgery. Which he doesn't. So. Anyways. DUBLIN! We saw Trinity College, which was awesome, and then rode the red double decker tour bus around the city. I loved it, and I will go back someday. I will.

This past weekend, I went on a completely different kind of adventure. Jesse and I (fairly spontaneously, I might add) signed up to go with the International Society to a place in northern Scotland called Carbisdale Castle. It's haunted, and it was a lot of fun (not the haunted part, but... yeah, you get it). First, we went to Culloden Battlefield, which was really interesting. It was the battle when the Jacobites lost to the British government in 1746 that ended the Jacobite uprising of the year before. And it was after this battle that Bonny Prince Charlie fled Scotland for France dressed as a woman. Gotta love history, right? Ha. But yeah, that was very interesting. And Jesse and I made a new friend (well sort of, we both already knew him from classes), and Jeff was able to keep the peace between us this weekend. Tensions always seem to run a little high when we only see each other for the entire weekend, but it was all good this time. Then we went to Inverness for a couple of hours, and then headed to the castle, which is now a youth hostel. And man, once the sun went down and the lights turned off, it was a creep-fest. Yikes, no thank you. I didn't like it. But by day, the castle is beautiful, and I took lots of pictures of the interior. Then, on Sunday morning, we took a scenic bus trip (read: long) to Loch Muick, which is in Aberdeenshire... somewhere. I don't really know. Then we embarked on a 12 kilometer walk around the loch. Amazing scenery, that's for sure. And then we headed home in time to make dinner. Ha. See facebook for pictures, please. The album for Dublin is called "i'm a little irish, where's my luck?" and the album for Carbisdale is called "don't do me like that." Thank you Justin for the Tom Petty songs that repeatedly get stuck in my head. :)

As for everything else... I'm trying to take it one day at a time. I haven't quite reached the halfway point yet, but spring break is just around the corner, and my mom and sister will be arriving in one week. I'm pumped! We're going to London, and I can't wait! I finally get to show somebody from home all that I am experiencing here, and I just can't wait. I think part of the reason I have been so emotional lately is that Justin is on his spring break this week, and he's in Nashville interviewing for internships... and I'm not there to support him. I'm trying so hard to do it from here, but it's not the same. He was there when I went through all of my internship stuff, and I can't even return the favor. But I'm trying. And when all of this is over, and we both are in our respective cities for the summer, we'll see that it all makes sense. There's reason to every form of chaos, in every unknown, and we just have to push through it. As Justin repeatedly tells me, we will get through this, and we'll be ok. I'll be ok. :)

maybe you're gonna be the one that saves me.

Well, it's been another week and a half since I wrote. Where does the time go? That's a funny statement, actually, because it feels to me that the time is dragging on and on... and yet when I look at the calendar and see that we are over halfway through March, I think, what happened to this month? Where did it go? It's very conflicted thinking, but I have been having a lot of conflicted feelings in the time I have been in Scotland, so this shouldn't be anything new.

When I talk to people now who I talked to when I first got here, they all say that are glad that I'm doing better, that I'm spreading my wings, whatever. I don't feel like I'm doing better at anything except hiding the part of me that wants to cry at any instant, the part of me that breaks down and utters those five miserable words that people on study abroad in a beautiful place should never say: "I want to go home." I have only allowed myself to say those words to one person, because he's the only one who can really make me believe that I'll be happy I stayed once this semester is over. He says he's proud of me, but I don't know why. I haven't done anything worthy of those words except leave, but the entire time I've been gone, I've only been thinking about going back home. Since the time I set foot on this campus, I've been counting down the days until I leave. It can't possibly be normal. My friend Ella was here last semester, and before I came, all she could tell me was what a great time I was going to have, and that I wouldn't want to leave at the end. That's what everyone told me before I left, so why is it not happening for me? Are the ties I have to the people I left behind stronger than everyone else's? Or am I just... different? Either way, it's not normal. I'm not normal.

Don't get me wrong, I've been doing pretty well at pretending. I go to the pubs with everyone else, I laugh, I go on trips and make memories for my adventure book. But it's all an act, and sometimes I'm not sure how convincing I am. I want to have fond memories of this place, which is why I have been taking pictures and keeping knick knacks, things that have meaning to me that I can paste on a blank page when I get home. But all I can think about is what I'm missing. When I lay down at night and I realize that I can't imagine the feel of Justin's arms around me anymore, and then I think harder and realize that I haven't been hugged, really hugged, since I left the Minneapolis airport. I want to be strong, and I try to be strong, but sometimes it just doesn't work. The hardest part is, I can't talk to anyone about this, because no one here left their other half behind. I mean, Jesse is about as close as it comes, but in all honesty, I rarely am able to get anything out before she turns the conversation on herself. I've been good at letting it go, but it hurts. My mom and my sister come in less than two weeks, and I am so ready to see familiar faces, and to cry on someone's shoulder instead of in secret in my room. This has been the hardest semester of my life. Even with the inner calm that came with Justin's plan, there is still turmoil in my life. It may seem petty, but sometimes it's overcoming. Today especially, has been like a wave. The water has been building, and it's just waiting for me to wade in too far so it can crash down on me. I mean, I know how to swim, I'll be all right. But that initial crash, when you are pulled under by the water and are no longer sure which way is up, and for a terrifying second or two, you're not sure you'll have enough air? That's the hard part. The relief doesn't come until you break the surface again, and you see that you weren't all that far away from the shore at all. Safety is in your sights. I just have to get there.

she grew up good, she grew up slow. like american honey.

Well, here it's been two weeks again, and I am again having a severe case of writer's block. I will go back to my preferred method of blogging... a list of things. Things that have happened, things that are going to happen, things that may never happen... just things.

1. Jesse and I went to Glasgow for the weekend over the last weekend of February. It was great; we did a lot of sightseeing and were very tourist-y. We saw Glasgow Cathedral and the Necropolis, St. Mungo's Museum of Religious Life and Art, and the People's Palace and Winter Gardens. We went to an opera (La Boheme, so worth it) and a movie, ate when we were hungry and stopped when we were tired. It was nice; we didn't have a plan, just a list of things that sounded cool, and we hit them up as we got to them. That's the way to travel.

2. My external hard drive died. Well, died isn't the right word, but essentially, it died. It decided that it wasn't formatted, and I have yet to find a way to move my stuff off of it. But I'm working on that. It's all still there, that's all that matters right now.

3. Jesse and I moved. Adam Smith House, and dorm we were living in, has been undergoing construction, and it was noisy and annoying and inconvenient. Since I had been wishing since I got here that I had not decided to be on a meal plan, this is great for me. My flatmates are wonderful, and it has probably been the best choice that I've made so far since I've been here. Now that my walls are decorated with my pictures and quotes again, I feel at home.

4. I have been planning my mom and sister's vacation! Haha, it sounds like I've taken over, but my mom asked me to do it. And it's going to be awesome! We are staying in Aberdeen on the first and last night that they are going to be here. We'll be in Stonehaven for a night (so they can see Castle Dunnottar) and in London for 3 nights. I am beyond excited. :)

5. I have been emailing grad schools, and though I thought I might have to, I am not going to take organic chemistry for a second time. I know in my heart with everything that I have that I could get a much better grade in it the second time around, but my adviser advised me that it wouldn't be worth my time. If I can't get into grad school with the grades that I have, then I can retake it after I graduate and try again the next year. That would suck, but it will all work out. Whatever is meant to be will be.

6. We found a favorite pub! It's called Slain's Castle, and it looks like... a castle. Ha. But they have a cocktail for each of the 7 deadly sins, and they are all delicious. Sinfully delicious... pun intended.

7. We are going to DUBLIN on Friday!!! I am so excited!! I'll have to wear everything green that I own! Haha, ok I'm kidding about the last part, but yes, I'm pumped. :)

8. There is a plan. I've been talking and thinking about God's plan for me since I've been here, but it's not His plan that I'm talking about. It's Justin's. I don't know what the plan is, but he has one. A plan for us, for our future. And to think I doubted him. He said it goes as far out as after I'm done with grad school. I knew there was a plan for me somewhere, I was just looking in the wrong place. God has a plan too, don't get me wrong. But I think his plan, or at least part of it, was leading me to Justin.

Well, if my hard drive hadn't died, I'd put up some pictures of Glasgow. But for now, if you want to see pictures, visit my facebook: www.facebook.com/amandamarieg. I'll have less writer's block after Dublin, hopefully. :)