i've been pretending.

"pretending"

by glee cast in season 2 finale

face to face, and heart to heart

we're so close, yet so far apart

i close my eyes, i look away

that's just because i'm not okay

but i hold on

i stay strong

wondering if we still belong

will we ever say the words we're feeling?

reach down underneath and

tear down all the walls?

will we ever have our happy ending?

or will we forever only be pretending?

will we always, always, always be pretending?

how long do i fantasize?

make believe that it's still alive

imagine that i am good enough

and we can choose the ones we love

but i hold on

i stay strong

wondering if we still belong

will we ever say the words we're feeling?

reach down underneath and

tear down all the walls?

will we ever have our happy ending?

or will we forever only be pretending?

will we always, always, always be

keeping secrets safe?

every move we make

seems like no one's letting go

and it's such a shame

because if you feel the same

how am i supposed to know?

i've been struggling with what to write in my next blog post for about a week. i've started several, changed my mind, erased, rewrote. nothing got posted, because i couldn't put my thoughts into words. i should have known glee would do it for me. i should have known that nothing i could have possibly written would compare to what finn and rachel sing.

finn. this post is really about finn. because finn is the embodiment of this person in my life who has been driving me crazy... in the way of unrequited feelings. he's everything i could possibly want in a man, and i know he could never feel anything toward me. i tried to tell him, but i don't think i was successful. i usually come home to clear my head. but since i've been home, all i can think about is him. i pace. i crank my music and sing with more feeling than i have in a very long time. i chew on the inside of my cheek. i stare at my phone. i've turned into a crazy person. he's turned me into a crazy person, and he doesn't even know.

so what can i do? what can i say? should i keep pushing forward like nothing is wrong, like i've done my whole life, hoping to get over it? in other words... should i keep pretending? or should i do something about it? should i say the words that have been haunting me, the words that are always so close to the surface but never leak out? i have feelings for you. i don't want to lose you. tell me you'll run with me.

he told me he still needs to figure himself out. i don't know what that means. i know he thinks of me as a friend, as someone he can open up to. i've put myself in that position, so that he'll talk to me. it's selfish that i want more, since i'm going away. but i want more. he makes me feel alive in ways i haven't ever before.

i was reading through my past blog posts this morning, and i came across one where i said that i always used to consider my ex in terms of a taylor swift song lyric: "you made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter." but i was wrong about my ex. this time it's right. i think of the things i've done while i've been with him. i've danced in public, i've been spontaneous, i've hugged him and not wanted to let go. i've learned to play funny board games, i started playing intramurals again, i was on a winning volleyball team. i watched sunsets at the beach, i raced, tripped and fell, i laughed at myself. i watched fireworks at the park, i fell asleep on someone else's couch, i watched jurassic park on a projector screen. i talked about my dad's alcoholism. i told him about the shitty people i've had in my life. i let my guard down. he doesn't allow me to take myself too seriously. you made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter. i finally feel like i'm winning. i finally feel alive.

everyone comes into your life for a reason. this is something that i believe. i'm trying to figure out the reason. has he already fulfilled it? was his purpose in my life simply to make me feel safe in my own skin? or was there more? and then comes the real question... do i want to find out which it is?

i don't know what i want to do. we can't choose the people we love. this is also something i believe. i wouldn't have chosen him. the timing is wrong. he's in love with one of my good friends. and yet... here i am. wracking my brain. wringing my hands. wishing beyond wishes that the little red light on my blackberry would blink and tell me that i have a text message. that he's thinking of me too.

or. maybe i'll just keep pretending.

drama llama glama.

"if you would get to know me, maybe you would love me. i'm so ordinary."
--> saving jane, "ordinary"

"i've been wicked and wild and wrong, and i've wondered the price of my shame. i've been hiding my face for so long, it's a wonder that you know my name. you say, come home. you say, i'm here. you say, there's some things you just can't control. you say, let me. you say, believe. why do you search for the answers you already know?"
--> saving jane, "you say"

sometimes i'm weird. sometimes i'm moody. sometimes i'm oversensitive. sometimes my heart and my head don't agree. this is one of those times. my head and my heart are waging a war against each other, and i have no idea what the outcome is going to be.

"those blue eyes i'm in love with, or that highway? whichever i pick, there'll be regrets."
--> jason aldean, "keep the girl"

i listened to almost every saving jane song on youtube this morning looking for "you say." i didn't know what it was called, but i knew i would recognize it when i heard it. one of my friends played it one night last week. and i needed to find it.

i'm trying to come to terms with my feelings. another friend of mine told me that i still acted like a girl. in order to be a woman, i needed to find a grace and elegance inside of me that captured all that was attractive to men. it sounds simple, right? i'm a college graduate now, i should be able to be graceful and elegant. but there have been situations lately that have led me back to the path of immaturity. i'm trying to handle everything in an adult fashion. i'm not making any rash decisions, i'm not doing anything stupid. but that doesn't change the fact that i'm in a situation that is significantly less than desirable.

i've been falling for this guy for a little over a month. i met him on april fool's day... ironic, right? maybe it doesn't count as meeting him, because i knew who he was before that. i thought that i was doing everything right, given the circumstances. i mean, i didn't pursue him, for several reasons. two of them stand out as significant to me: he has a girlfriend, and we were going to graduate in a month. what's the point of starting something at that point in your undergraduate career? right?

well, that doesn't change how i feel.

i spent a lot of time with him, and my friends, and his friends. it was the perfect way to end a semester, a year, a college career. i figured it would just be a goodbye. and it maybe could have been that way. it was one of the most difficult goodbyes in my life, because he gave me one of the best hugs i've probably ever had. and i don't even like hugs. but it wasn't over. no, i couldn't just tie everything in a little bow. that would be too simple.

he and a good friend of mine broke my heart. they forced me to come to terms with my feelings by putting theirs for each other out there. and what am i supposed to do? since i never said anything, i have no right to be upset, as far as they are concerned. but it's messy. he still has a girlfriend, as far as i'm aware. she is still tangled up with an ex-boyfriend, whom i'm pretty sure she's supposed to marry. and then there's me. friends with both of them, waiting for the explosion, or implosion. it's either going to be them or me. them or me.

"even when the flood gates swing wide open, never let the current take you down, no. even when you're not sure where you're going. swimming through a mess, and you can't get out. just going through the motions, and trying not to drown. play on, when you're losing the game. play on, because you're gonna make mistakes. it's always worth the sacrifice, even when you think you're wrong. so play on."
--> carrie underwood, "play on"

i'm always going to put them first, because even though i can now admit to my feelings, i still don't want to deal with them. that's immature, my friend told me. but why say anything to either of them? why complicate things even more? why not pretend that i'm happy if they are happy?

i'm torn between what's right and what i feel. because why would i want to be with him, anyway? there are so many reasons why it would be worse if i told him how i feel. so so so many reasons.

so what am i going to do? i'm going to help him figure out what to do about graduate school. i'm going to help her figure out what to do about the two boys chasing after her. and i'm going to pretend i'm feeling nothing. because my philosophy in life is fake it until you make it.

and man, will i be faking it.

so much unfulfillment.

Summers have always been very interesting times in my life.

Things usually go awry. I can't ever seem to keep things constant, since summer to a student is a time of inconsistency. Let's think about my summers while in college.

• The summer before I started college, I was working full time at the casino, and becoming addicted to second-hand smoke. I never saw my friends, I worked my life away, and I held on to a relationship that was going nowhere. Not a good start.
• The summer after freshman year, I took two classes during June. I was working all the time at the Pottery, was constantly stressed, and made myself sick. I stopped eating, and lost a ton of weight. Not a good continuation.
• The summer after sophomore year, I was supposed to be doing research, but that fell through. So I just worked odd jobs, lived in Holland with Justin, and caused trouble in my relationship. An even worse continuation.
• Last summer... oh, I don't even want to go there. I was in DC after spending a semester in Scotland. I missed what I had left behind, so I threw the remainder away. I ruined my relationship, I made a futile attempt to start a new one, and I just... died inside. What a terrible ending.

And now... here we are. Another summer, another set of screw ups waiting to happen. What's this summer going to bring? I'm not sure. But it's already starting out on a low note.

There is a lot of drama going on between two of my friends... sort of. Girl friend is in love with guy friend. Guy friend has an actual girlfriend. Girl friend is convinced that guy friend is going to break up with his girlfriend to be with her. See where this is going? Complicated.

And where does that leave me? In the middle. Caught between girl friend who has been awful to me lately, because she is possessive of guy friend, and guy friend himself, who is awesome. I've been trying to disregard my own feelings, because they are completely irrelevant to everyone. Sometimes, I feel like it's me who is completely irrelevant to everyone...

What am I supposed to do? I don't want to tell girl friend that she's killing me by talking about the possibility of her dating guy friend. What I want to do is talk to guy friend about girl friend's behavior, and his feelings toward his actual girlfriend. But girl friend would flip shit if she heard that. I'm caught. And I'm sad. And I'm exhausted. And I want a hug, specifically a hug from guy friend, because he gives the best ones.

Well, have I confused everyone yet? Haha.

I have to get back to work. As the title of this post indicates... so much unfulfillment...

fair weather, maybe cold.

i saw a different side of a good friend tonight.

i understand the temptation.

i know what it feels like to want someone to like you more than they like someone else.

but i can't just be a casualty.

i won't stand for it.

the tears that have formed in my eyes since then aren't fair.

they shouldn't be there.

i'm a person too.

i deserve the love and support of people just as much as she does.

i don't want to leave hope college feeling this way.

but i don't want to stay at hope college feeling this way either.

i want a hug to get me through the night.

i want someone to tell me that i mean something to them.

that i'm not just another nobody.

i want to be somebody to someone.

it doesn't need to be the someone in question.

i wish i could show my pain.

i wish i didn't have to put on this brave face.

they say sticks and stones don't hurt, but they do.

they bruise, and they make you bleed.

i've been covered in bruises my whole life.

i can't think of a friend in my life who hasn't torn me down more than built me up.

i know i'm hard to love.

i'm too intense.

i feel too much.

i hurt too much.

i love too much.

i pretend that nothing gets to me, but it does.

the shell i used to wear has been dissolved by the acid rain of a breakup i never expected.

i have no protection from the hurt anymore.

i have no shield for when the sticks and the stones get tossed my direction.

sometimes, i hate myself.

i want to be strong like everyone else.

i've been trying.

i've been succeeding.

but my guard is down when i'm with my friends.

why should i need to be on my toes when these people love me?

do they?

friendship isn't a competition.

it's not about possession.

it's about sharing passion.

it's about two brains that think alike and thrive off each other.

it's about companionship, and laughing, and loving, and shared interests.

i shouldn't have to try so hard.

if people want to be with me, they will make it happen.

right?

well.

what if i'm wrong?

what if i give up, like i so badly want to, and i end up alone?

what if i disappear into the shadows and no one misses me?

what if i leave and no one remembers me?

what if i leave no footprints on anyone's heart?

there's nothing more i can do than what's already been done.

i'm a good friend.

i care about people more than they will ever realize.

i carry people with me everywhere i go.

i worry constantly.

i want the best for everyone, even if i end up under the bus.

but i can't do it anymore.

i'm at an ending, a crossroads.

what do you say to taking chances?

it's all i have left.

i'm taking the chance.

i'm throwing in the towel.

i'm done.

i pray that someone will love me for me.

i hope that somebody will seek me out.

i wish that someone will tell me they'll miss me.

that they would love to keep in contact after this part of the journey ends.

just one person.

i just need one.

one love. one life. when it's one need in the night.

loving arms wrapped around me, wishing me the best in my life.

that's all i need.

because friends are supposed to build you up, not tear you down.

you've got me running, baby.

I have a lot of thoughts smashing up against the confines of my skull, and I don't think I'm going to be able to put them all into words. I'm starting to put my college education into perspective. I'm thinking about the title of this blog, this space where I've ranted and raved for almost two years. "Tell me you'll run with me." Who's running with me, these days? Who is beside me? That's what I've been thinking about. That is what has been bringing tears to my eyes.

"Tell me you'll run with me." This comes from the chorus of a Gloriana song, "How Far Do You Wanna Go?" I named my blog that the very first summer I started it. I was living in Holland, without a job or much at all to do. It was just me and Justin, and it was wonderful. My words, when looking back at that time, probably don't convey how wonderful it was to spend the summer with the man I loved. I complained a lot, because I didn't like feeling complacent. I didn't take the time to enjoy things. I just wanted to be moving, constantly. I can picture everything from that summer. My room. Justin's room. The heat and humidity. The flood of the Lichty basement. Hope's campus, just for the two of us for a summer. There were a lot of other people here that summer who I didn't know and didn't realize I wanted to know. There was a lot that I missed. But I don't regret it, especially when I look at how everything turned out.

"Tell me you'll run with me" was about Justin, when I chose it for the title of my blog. I wanted him to see through my eyes, especially when I went abroad. I wanted the reassurance that he was going to come with me. I never got it, of course, because he had to continue living his life here in Michigan. Scotland is a whole different ball game. "Tell me you'll run with me" has nothing and everything to do with my time abroad. It has nothing and everything to do with the demise of the relationship with the man I thought I would marry. It has nothing and everything to do with where I stand right now, on the brink of graduation from college.

Right now, there are so many people I want to run with me. My roommates. My old friends. My new friends. My class friends. Both the people I am just getting to know and the people I have known for years. I want them all to come with me. Because if I could take it all with me to North Carolina, I would. I want to go up to each of these people and hug them, and whisper in their ear "tell me you'll run with me." Because I want to take them with me.

Someone asked me today if I had dated anyone else yet, since Justin. It's been a good nine months since we broke up, now. But I had to answer honestly. "No," I said. "I am doing just fine on my own." It took a while. This blog is littered with the pieces of my soul that were lost and damaged in the terrible transition from being someone's girlfriend to being on my own. But I am finally thriving, in my skin, with my friends, not looking for him around every corner anymore, not caring when I see him in passing. I'm stronger. I've grown. Sometimes I still miss him. Sometimes I still think about him, and get the urge to text him something funny that reminds me of him. But I never do it. It's better that I don't. And I really am doing fine. One day, somebody will love me. I just haven't met him yet.

Something weird and wonderful happened the other day. I received a facebook message from someone who I graduated from high school with. We hadn't really been friends in high school, but we knew who each other were. She was and is a cool girl. But she sent me this message that completely blew me away. She had been looking at my pictures on facebook, and came across this blog, and read it. I have never felt a compliment more deeply in my soul in my life. She understands the social anxiety I face, the sudden fear and panic I feel for no reason. The stuff that I can't control, that people make fun of me for. She understands. I felt a warm glow when I read it, and a smile spread across my face. I can have an effect on people, just by being me. What else could someone ask for?

I have so many more thoughts, but I just don't know how to say them. All of the people I've mentioned in my blog since the beginning of the semester? The ones who have helped me through things, who have helped me learn how to thrive? I want them to tell me they'll run with me.

Will you run with me?