Day 43: church pew or bar stool.

I am trying so ridiculously hard to get out and make something of myself.

Set aside all of the crazy that I have been talking about for the last several months. What started all of this? What was the cause of all of the problems between him and I?

Grad school, and all of my anxiety surrounding it.

And now, here I am, almost 5 months later, and what do I have to show for all of it? Nothing.

My first two grad school applications are due on Wednesday. That's two days from now. And two out of three of my recommendation letters still aren't in. I have been ready for this process to get underway for such a long time, but I always have to wait around. No one can keep up with me.

It makes me wonder what the plan is for my life. I have ranted and raved about my slowly disappearing belief in anything, but until recently, one thing never wavered. I have always thought that there was an overall plan that I was just working toward. And if I got too off-track, I would be guided back. But now that everyone else seems to be gambling on my future, I'm not so sure. What am I supposed to believe? How the hell can I keep the faith when nothing ever goes my way? And why does no one want me to leave?

All of this led me to Jason Aldean. He used to just be my guilty pleasure, but now I've fallen completely in love with his music. He's the redneck, the south, the country in me that I've always wanted to express. And I'm going to leave you with him, as proof.

"Here, it sometimes feels just like this world revolves around whiskey or the Bible, shot glass or revival. When you don't seem to run on either side of the fence, people act like you don't make sense. These big town dreams that I've been chasing will never come true if I wind up staying. And I don't want to fall in the same rut that everybody seems to get stuck in now. Why do I hang around in this church pew or bar stool kind of town. I need to get out of this church pew or bar stool kind of town."

--> Jason Aldean, "Church Pew or Bar Stool"

Day 42: i go somewhere with you.

I've been trying. And some days I'm successful. Some days, I'm ok, and I can pretend that I'm moving on with my life. Other days, I go somewhere with you.

There is a new Kenny Chesney song out called "Somewhere With You."

It is about memories. It's about traveling back in time. It's about staying in the place where you were happy.

I decided that the only way to get over you is to pretend that you no longer exist. That you are only a memory. That you were forcibly removed from my life.

So, now all I will ever have are memories, because you no longer exist. So now... now, I go somewhere with you.

"If you see me out on the town, and it looks like I'm burning it down, you won't ask, and I won't say, but in my heart, I'll always be somewhere with you."

--> Kenny Chesney, "Somewhere With You"

Grief has been tearing me apart. And it will continue to do so. But from now on, I will just go somewhere with you.

Day 35: what hurts the most

I've had a really terrible weekend.

Many things contributed to it, but the biggest thing was just the emptiness in the pit of my stomach. I don't know why it was so bad this weekend, but there was something profoundly terrible about it.

I cried yesterday over the situation with him for the first time in about a month. While I can verbally say I'm in a good place, about once a month I hit a point where I physically can't be strong for a day or a weekend. This was that weekend. All I needed was a hug from the one person who can save me from it all. But I can't really ask him for that.

I sobbed in the shower yesterday morning, and then during a confrontation with my roomie (a misunderstanding, which made me feel even worse) I cried again. And then last night I was writing a draft of the letter I am planning on delivering to him tomorrow, and I cried again. And then today in the library, a song that came on my ipod brought tears to my eyes. I feel like I'm back in Scotland all over again, but when I was there, I did have him to reassure me. And now I don't.

Part of it, I know, is because my roommate's fiancé is here. I see them and their easy, everyday love, and it makes me simultaneously angry and terribly sad. And then I hear them both saying that I deserve better than him anyways... and I lose it. I either blow up with extreme anger, or I break down and cry. And I'm tired of both of those extreme emotions.

What hurts the most? What truly hurts more than anything is just the sense of loss. The sense that the person I am isn't who he wanted. The feeling that he is already ready to move on, while I'm still floundering, trying to keep my head above water. That's what hurts the most, for me. I want him to just hold me in his arms, but I know I can't ask him for that. That's what hurts the most.

"What hurts the most is being so close, and having so much to say, and watching you walk away. And never knowing what could have been. And not seeing that loving you is what I was trying to do."

--> Rascal Flatts, "What Hurts the Most"

Day 33: in between the lines, there's a lot of obscurity.

The last several days have been interesting, to say the least.

I have intentionally seen him 3 times in the last 4 days. And it has been ok.

He has said some hurtful things, but they have been honest, so I'm glad they were said. And while they have made me a little sad, I can see where he's coming from. A couple of the things he said have been bothering me a little bit, but nothing major. Nothing that won't fade with time. For example, he said he didn't care if I started dating. I don't know that he meant it as forcefully as it came out, but it made me feel like maybe our relationship really didn't mean anything to him. I know it's not true, and I shouldn't be saying it, but that's how I feel.

Anyways, there is only one thing that he has said that I have forcefully disagreed with.

He said today that there is still all of this tension between us, and that's probably why things have been a little awkward. Tension and frustration, he said. That's not how I feel when I'm next to him. I am not frustrated, I'm not tense about it, I don't feel awkward.

All I feel is electricity. I feel like, if I got close enough, a spark would fly from me to him, and we would ignite. Then a fire would start, and we would be consumed again. And as much as I have been wanting that for a long time, I know it can't happen. At least not right now.

I'm pretty sure that's what he's feeling too. Honestly, I even have a good idea that he knows what it is and is kidding himself that it's just tension.

"Oh, I'm scared to see the ending. Why are we pretending this is nothing? I'd tell you I miss you, but I don't know how. I've never heard silence quite this loud."

--> Taylor Swift, "The Story of Us"

Day 30: (s)he's just not that into you.

Here's the thing. It's been going both ways.

He has been feeling that way towards me, sure. That definitely crossed my mind when I titled this post. But that is not what I am referring to here. Many things have led me here, actually. They have been building, escalating, until I feel like I'm stuck in a vortex of confusion, anger, and pain.

I could compare myself to Scarlett O'Hara again. Easily, for that matter. At the beginning of the book especially, but I'm going to leave it to anyone else who reads this to make this comparison. I'm going to compare myself to Beth Murphy. You don't recognize that name, you say? Well, she's one of the characters in the movie "He's Just Not that Into You." And her story is my favorite.

We first meet Beth in the apartment she has shared with her boyfriend of 7 years, Neil. Well, after a series of events, she ends up breaking up with Neil, because he doesn't want to marry her, and that's what she wants. Anyways, that's not the point of the story, that's just how we get to the point.

After Beth and Neil have broken up, she is faced with an awkward conundrum. It seems like everyone is interested in her, because she is beautiful and newly single. She has people hitting on her left and right, usually in pretty disgusting or hilarious fashions. But she's not interested in anyone. She's only interested in mending her broken heart, because it is pretty obvious that she had wanted to spend her life with Neil. She doesn't want anyone else to even try to enter it, because in her heart, she's already taken.

I wish that these people who are chasing after me would watch this movie and take it to heart.

I may technically be single, but I'm not really. If I ever am again, it's going to take a long time to get there. Because in my heart, I'm still taken. He holds my heart like he's been holding his pride and his anger: deep inside him, in a place that no one else can reach.

Sure, it's flattering to have people saying these incredibly nice things to me. But they don't stick, and I'm not sure they ever will. I know who I am, but the person I have been for the last 3 1/2 months isn't me. Right now, I'm a shell of my former self, I'm empty on the inside. And the thing is, he still has me. It's only when I'm with him that I come back alive.

Please, if any of you are reading this, take it to heart, if you can. It's not you. It's me. Cliché as it sounds, it's all I have to give. I can't give you myself, because I don't possess myself. He has me, and there's nothing I can do about that.

"Do I turn you on at all when I kiss you, baby? Does the sound of me wanting you drive you crazy? Do I have your love? Am I still enough? Tell me, don't I? Or tell me, do I, baby, give you everything that you ever wanted, or would you rather just turn away and leave me lonely? Do I just need to give up and get on with my life? Baby, do I?"

--> Luke Bryan, "Do I"

Day 28: jar of hearts.

My emotions have been all over the place. But I can't pinpoint why.

There are several things that have been bothering me. There are some obvious ones, and some less obvious ones.

On the more obvious side, he's pretty much dating someone else already. Although, that isn't bothering me in itself. I knew that would happen. But, when we talked on Friday, he said some things that leave me feeling like there is less and less closure the farther away I get from it.

The problem lies in the fact that I never believed he was coming back until our mutual friend told me that his wording suggested that he might. That he just had some more things to work through. Now I don't know where my head is all over again. I can't let myself believe that there is still a chance, because then I will never be able to look forward. All it does is make me incredibly angry. I was contemplating all kinds of crazy things last night, just to make the anger and the pain go away. I'm scared. I'm scared that one of these days, the anger is going to win, and I'm actually going to go through with these things. I'm scared that no one will be able to stop me, because no one will see it coming.

I'm calm right now, and I was in a decent mood until I went onto this funny "flirting" website here at Hope. I found a couple posts from his residents saying how cute of an RA they have. It initially made me smile, but now I feel sad and empty. Not so long ago, I would have been the envy of those girls, because I had him. But I'm calm, and I'm ok. Just... empty.

Emptiness is becoming the norm, so I should get a little more used to it. It's hard to feel anything when all of my anger, all of my hurt, everything that I have felt has finally left my body and left me a shell. So I don't hurt, I'm not mad, I don't feel a damn thing. What do I do with that?

"Who do you think you are, running around leaving scars? Collecting your jar of hearts, tearing love apart. You're gonna catch a cold from the ice inside your soul. So don't come back for me. Who do you think you are?"

--> Christina Perri, "Jar of Hearts"

Day 26: ain't it funny how some things take you back?

I learned some things today that I found interesting. And I got them straight from the source.

First, I learned that a certain ex-girlfriend of his has been reading my blog posts. You know who you are, and I don't believe for a second that you don't know how to take my blog off of your news feed. Seriously? Not cool, man.

Second, miscommunications were abundant. There was some information that I was getting from a mutual friend of ours that was not entirely true, and those were the things that I feel finally got straightened out. I am not saying that I think everything is suddenly magically worked out and fixed, but we are on the road to being friends someday.

Third, he still makes me laugh. When I sit next to him, I feel more at home than in my own home. I can still see a cloudless blue sky in his eyes. I don't think this is going to change any time soon, which makes me a little sad. But I'm ok. I have been ok for the last two weeks without him, and that too is not going to change.

I've said this cliché a thousand times. But it is the sad but beautiful truth is that from the moment I met him, he has been my other half. That hasn't changed. I was nervous about meeting up with him all day, because I didn't know how it would go. But as soon as I knocked on his front door and he answered, I felt an instant calm. Not that it wasn't awkward, but the longer we sat on that park bench, the more it felt like it was when we first met. We were comfortable, he was sharing things with me, and we were laughing together. I miss that.

But as of right now, 26 days into our true separation, and 3 1/2 months after our official breakup, I finally feel peaceful. I'm not necessarily happy, but I am no longer tormented by what could have been. The future is a huge unknown, and I have to look forward now. Maybe our paths will cross again, and maybe they won't. Who really knows?

"Ain't it funny how some things take you back, and the here and now just fades to black? I pull the blue tarp off of that time machine, and it hits me. I'm seventeen-years-old, running on dumb luck. I spent the whole damn summer living in that truck. Them old tires still covered in all that mud, and it sticks with me, in my blood."

--> Josh Kelley, "Georgia Clay"

Day 22: two points for honesty.

For every ending, there is a new beginning.

Some things are changing in my life. I shocked myself by having a realization last night that I never thought I would have.

I started thinking that maybe all of this pain is a good thing. That doesn't make it hurt any less, that's for sure. But maybe I needed to feel it to grow up.

When I think about the relationship that I was in for two years, I think about it as a growing experience--I was a girl when it began, and I had to grow into a woman. And maybe this truly did need to end in order for me to have a completely adult relationship.

Not that we were children, but aspects of how we treated each other and how I reacted to things don't make me feel like I was the woman I should have been.

I was very demanding, very unreasonable about a lot of things. The times when he was most full of life, I brought him down because it wasn't me that made him that happy. You can't build a life on those things. And now that I can see it all more clearly, it is those times where he was so happy that I miss the most. And it kills me that I gave him so much grief about so many things.

There are several examples that stick out very clearly in my memories. He had one day a week where he would meet up with his friends and play DnD, and he was always late coming home. I would give him such a hard time, I was always upset, mad at him for choosing his friends over me. I regret that more than just about anything.

The other thing that sticks out in my mind is my intense issue with alcohol. We turned 21 together, and I had been able to avoid alcohol before this. I needed to make adjustments, and it took longer than I hoped. I think he felt restricted, when that's not what I was trying to do. I just needed to be ok with it before I had to potentially take care of him after a night out with his friends. I never meant for him to think that I didn't want him to go out with his friends. I just wasn't used to the idea yet.

I miss him more than anything, and i don't see that changing anytime soon. But I can see that the girl he loved isn't who I am anymore. I am a woman now. And he is a man instead of the boy I fell in love with. And if we could only see eye to eye, I think we could begin a whole new adventure of getting to know each other as a man and a woman. But I don't think he sees it that way. I think he wants to leave me behind just like he left his boyhood behind.

Part of me sees that I need to move on. But I don't want to let go. I loved that girl that I was, and I loved that boy I was with. And I want to be able to take that with me forever.

I will never truly let go.

Day 15: the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now.

Word of the day: Irony.

It's ironic to me that not 20 minutes after I published the last post, insinuating hope for this situation, I got a hell of a bomb dropped on me.

So, I have this friend who is going to remain unnamed for my own safety. She broke up with a guy (who is also going to remain unnamed) back in February for reasons largely unknown, except that she couldn't deal with being abroad while he was here. Ok. That's fine, it should be over by now. I mean... It's November now. That was 9 months ago. Anyways. I digress.

She has gone completely bat-shit crazy. She's passive-aggressive with him, and she thinks she should have a say in what he does when she freely gave up that right a long time ago. There is so much more, but the moral of the story is that she's gone bat-shit.

And he (not her ex, but mine) is comparing me to her. I about lost it.

I'M NOT CRAZY. MY MOTHER HAD ME TESTED. (Name that show!)

But seriously, I have done everything in my power to appear as normal as possible. I'm trying to move on with my life, but I truly am still captivated by him, and I do still love him. And last night I dreamed about our wedding. Yeah, that sucked.

I don't know what he wants from me. I'm trying to do what he's asking, but then he goes below the belt and says something like that.

And then! On top of that, he brought up the one singular big mistake that I made, and he won't let it go. I've apologized, I've taken all the blame, I've done everything in my power to ease the pain. But he still can't let it go. FORGIVE ME! I forgave him for all of the shit in his past, even though he never told me about any of it when he should have. We talked about it and worked through it. But he refuses, flat out, to talk to me about any of this. He says he has nothing to say, or doesn't know what to say. Bullshit. If he's still this mad, then he knows exactly what to say, and he definitely has something to say. I'm so angry. I can hardly contain the urge to walk over there and confront him as he answers the door. I know that I would need to be calm if I was to talk to him about it, but the longer I sit on this information, the more mad I get.

I literally hate my life. Why do I have to love someone who treats me like shit when I don't deserve it? Why can't we work through this, like normal, mature adults?

And my headache rages on...