poison and wine

you only know what i want you to.

i know everything you don't want me to.

your mouth is poison. your mouth is wine.

you think your dreams are the same as mine.

i don't love you, but i always will.

oh, i don't love you, but i always will.

i don't love you, but i always will.

i always will.

i wish you'd hold me when i turn my back.

the less i give, the more i get back.

your hands can heal. your hands can bruise.

i don't have a choice, but i still choose you.

-the civil wars, "poison and wine"

my life is a mess. i've said that before, and i'm sure i'll say it again. but right now, my shit is a mess. i have had a headache every day for the past two weeks. i have things to do, decisions to make, and i can't make myself do anything. i want to talk myself in circles, but everyone is tired of listening. i simultaneously know what i want and don't know what i want. maybe it's just that the things i want are unattainable. or i'm afraid to take a chance in order to achieve them. or... i'm just not meant to have them at all.

sometimes, i feel like i'm a walking contradiction. i'm a scientist, but all i really want to do is write and take pictures. i'm filled with love for so many people, but i'm afraid of anyone loving me. i tell people to follow their hearts, but i can't seem to follow my own.

if you asked me exactly what i wanted out of my life, i would be able to tell you. i just don't know how to get there. i can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but i can't find the entrance of the tunnel itself. i know i think too much. i should probably just let this happen. i need to let this happen. or this pounding in my head is going to kill me.

i've been calling and calling for you, but you answer, and i shut my mouth.

i've been searching and searching for you, but myself, i don't want to be found.

you say "i am." you say "let go."

you say "believe," but it's not that easy for me.

you say "wait." you say "right now.

don't you see you're already one foot in the ground?"

i've been wicked and wild and wrong and i've wondered the price of my shame.

i've been hiding my face for so long, it's a wonder that you know my name.

you say "come home." you say "i'm here."

you say "there's some things you just can't control."

you say "let me." you say "believe.

why do you search for the answers you already know?"

i am the way and the light and the truth.

don't be misled by the flight of your youth.

have faith in the things you can't seem to believe.

what if you had faith in me?

you say "rest here. this is your home.

don't you see that you knew i was here all along?"

-saving jane, "you say"

looking for an equal, preferably in flannel.

i have been coming to terms with something about myself. something that i'd really like to change. but i don't know how to change it, or if it can even be changed. it frustrates me.

i want to further my education, because i don't know what i would do with myself, as is. if i were to quit grad school right now (not that this has crossed my mind...), what would i possibly do with my life? the only thing i can think of is go to grad school for something else. like forensic science, which i've loved since high school. or genetic counseling, which is just fascinating to me. or just chemistry, which i'm not great at but have always loved. so. i am not satisfied with my education, as is. i don't have faith in my ability to get a job right now, to be happy if i just enter the work force.

this makes sense, when i think of the men i have been going on dates with. i'm not satisfied with the conversational flow with people who stopped after their bachelor's degree. that makes me sound uppity, i know. but i'm going to be in grad school for five years. i go to work everyday to learn more. i can't sustain a conversation about beer, for example. (not that i've ever been in a situation where i've had to try...) and i am automatically no longer interested when a person tells me that they know someone who got a phd in "bubbles" (not that i've ever heard that before...). i've become a bit of a snob, which is upsetting to me. i want a smart person, an equal.

however.

i do not find intellectuals attractive. at all.

the first thing i said when i got here is that i don't want to date another grad student. i don't want to talk about science all the time. i want to be able to watch a baseball game with someone, for example. and talk about what's going on in the world. i want to feel protected (and not like i have to do the protecting, because i have more muscle mass than the guy). i love me some nerdy glasses, don't get me wrong. however. i don't love pale, video game playing, sheldon cooper-esque nerdiness. i'm a nerd, i know. but there is more to me than meets the eye. i like to think.

here is my conundrum.

if i were to close my eyes and think of what the perfect guy would look and act like, this is what i would see:

tall, strong, flannel-wearing, red-blooded male. who loves (and hopefully plays) sports, and isn't intimidated by a girl who knows sports, too. who drives a truck, or some other vehicle that can just turn off the road and drive through the woods or a field. who is ok with the fact that i don't fit in a box. and that i'm getting my phd. and can talk to me about it.

do these men exist?

not in my experience. because here's the problem. i just described the kind of guy whose favorite song is either "drink in my hand" or "a country boy can survive." who chews and drinks and owns a tractor. which i'm fine with. except...

what would we talk about?

exactly. sigh. i know what i want, but i'm afraid i'm never going to find it. i've been told i'm intimidating. maybe that's why conversations about beer seem to prevail... because i intimidate men. well, that sucks. i'm not scary. (am i?) i miss the days when i was on a college campus, and on an equal playing field with men. we were all just college students. all on the same path. but now i'm a phd student. and i'm one of few at this campus who did not find someone in undergrad, when things were equal. this is not a good town to be single in, i've heard.

i'm not sure what to do. it seems i'm going to have to settle if i go either direction. i'm either going to end up with an intellectual or a scientist and be able to have stimulating conversation, but maybe have to spend my time outdoors by myself OR a guy with a gun in his truck and a flannel shirt with the sleeves rolled to the elbow (*melt*), but maybe i can't talk to him about my work in a way he'd understand. ugh.

i'm taking advice and suggestions. because i don't know what to do about this.

(and for those of you who i keep in regular contact with... yes, i'm sort of seeing someone. i'm clearly still frustrated. those are the only details i'm providing.)

this has been "over analysis: a scientist's guide to relationships" with amanda g. until next time!

i just write what i love.

well, as most of you know, i wrote a novel last february. and i decided today that i'm going to write another one for national novel writing month.

this is my reasoning.

i need to write. if my imagination isn't going crazy, i'm not productive.

i made the dean's list for the first time since freshman year the semester i wrote that novel. the only other semester i came close was spring of my sophomore year - when i was in a fiction class. that can't be a coincidence.

i'm a writer. and normally i spend my time blowing up people's inboxes with emails. no more! i will be writing what i know and what i love. and leaving everyone else alone for a bit.

guess what i've chosen to incorporate in my novel? hockey, a strong female character, minnesota, hope college, chemistry, engineering, colorado, a loving sister, friends, family. faith, hope, and love. all of the things that i hold near and dear to my heart.

ready.....

go.

happy nanowrimo, everyone!