we weren't born to follow.

These past four days have been some of the hardest in my life. But I'm here, in Aberdeen, Scotland, trying to get by on my own. I've done a lot of crying, and definitely a lot of soul searching during these days. I know it seems like I've hardly been here, but it feels like a long time to me. I honestly am not sure I can do it alone. But I am here now, and I have to keep pushing on. Classes start tomorrow, so that will help me adjust. Routines have always helped me through tough times.

Jetlag has been the main culprit in my dysfunction. I am so tired, but am unable to sleep during the times I should be sleeping. I'm actually thinking about a nap right now. I get extra emotional when I am tired, so all of my crying has been influenced by the incredible tired-ness.

I actually woke up this morning feeling fairly hopeless. I only wanted to go home, which is what I've been feeling pretty much since I arrived. I wish Justin could visit, or my family, so I had something to look forward to. Right now, everything is just laying out in front of me, like a vast sea of things out of my control, and it makes me feel panicky, and then the crying starts. I can't find out when my finals are until really late... like April or May. And I would like to start thinking about getting a ticket home, so I have enough time to prepare for my internship in Washington DC. I just feel like so much is getting thrown at me, and I can't control any of it.

I did go to church this morning, though, and that calmed me down a lot. I just started thinking that God doesn't give us more than we can handle, so I must be able to do this. I hope it goes quickly, though. I don't think I could handle a slow semester. There are only 8 weeks of classes, though, with exams and revision weeks on top of that. So it probably will go fast.

It sounds silly, but Bon Jovi's new song has given me more hope for this semester. I have to make my own path, even though it might weave and join other people's paths at times. The most difficult has definitely been separating my path from Justin's, even if it is only for a short time. Just thinking of him makes me want to cry all over again, but the panic is gone. I just miss him. He told me to make an adventure book so I can show him when I get back. But he's not going to be in my adventure, and that's what makes me so sad. I want him to see all of this, and I want to experience everything new in my life with him. This is definitely a test, but like I already said, God didn't give me more than I can handle. It's going to be a challenge, but I'll get through it.

"We weren't born to follow. Come on and get up off your knees. When life is a bitter pill to swallow, you've got to hold on to what you believe. Believe that the sun will shine tomorrow, and that your saints and sinners bleed. We weren't born to follow. You've got to stand up for what you believe."
-->Bon Jovi, "We Weren't Born to Follow"

so kiss me and smile for me, tell me that you'll wait for me.

I. LEAVE. TOMORROW. I don't know what else to say. Tomorrow I will set all of my fears and worries aside while I take to the skies. My packing is almost done. My role here is finished. Tomorrow I will leave this country for Scotland. Friday, I will begin the biggest adventure of my life. So, I don't have much to say for now. I will update from the land of haggis and kilts.

Until then, as Sheldon Cooper would say: Live long and prosper. :)

and you wait for me...

Well, here we are: 9 days until departure. That means I have 9 days to figure out what I'm going to pack, what I'm going to leave, and how I'm going to balance everything. I have learned some things in the last couple of weeks, and since lists seem to be my forte, I'll go with that:

1. I know what classes I'll be taking in Scotland. That was actually much easier to figure out than I thought than I thought it would be. I simply emailed my adviser, and then I was set. I wish everything about planning my next 8 months was that simple. So I'll be taking Analytical Methods in Forensic Chemistry, Gaelic Culture, World Literature, and Philosophy of Science. I'm pretty excited!

2. I know that I have a place to live for the summer. However, I don't have my room assignment yet. I just put the downpayment down last night online, so I'll be bunking at American University from mid-June until August. It's not necessarily close to the Navy Yard, but it will take just a simple Metro ride to get there. I'll just have to stock up on some Dramamine before I go... that Metro really gets to me. Ugh.

3. I know that an external hard drive and a new battery were all I needed to make my computer run better again. Granted, that cost me $120 for both, but my baby is running smoothly again.

4. I know that Skype will probably save me during this trying time away from Justin. I thought it would make it worse, because the first time we used Skype, it was soooo hard to see him but not be able to touch him. But the second time, a week later, it went much better. I could see the way he looked at me, and that was all I needed to know that we were going to be ok.

5. And lastly, I know that life is too short to take it for granted. Two Hope students died in a single engine plane crash on Sunday. This kind of a tragedy is hard to think about, and impossible to prepare for. They were so young. I will not waste my life. This semester is going to be hard, but it can be done. Anything is possible, both good and bad.

I'm not sure that I'll write again before I leave for the land of the Scots, but I plan to. Oy, it's coming so quickly now! I better get a move on!

but we danced anyway...

Things are coming together, but inside, I have felt like I've been falling apart.

I'm well aware of how stupid that sounds. I should be getting excited to go abroad, instead of almost dreading the beginning of it. I'm torn between the life that I want to lead and the life that is unfolding in front of me. I talk big, but what I really want is much smaller, simpler. I've always said that I wanted to see the world, but I found my world, and it was in Holland the whole time. I've never been one of those people who drops everything for love--if that was the case, I would never have gone to Hope at all. But I want to right now. I want to change my mind and stay. I want to sit in my apartment with my wonderful roommate and my loving boyfriend, and I want the security in that. Like I said, it sounds stupid. Even though I've gotten my shit together, my shit is a mess. I've been a mess since Justin left on Wednesday. I know that it will get better with each day, but it seems so impossible right now. I love him, and I want to spend my life with him, and I'm so afraid that me leaving is going to tear us apart. He tells me that we can do it, and I'm sure we can. But if everything goes like we both think it will, I won't see him for almost 8 months. I counted--it's 227 days until I will see him again for RA training next fall. That's 227 of me being by myself. I don't know if I have it in me. I shouldn't have counted the days, it's only going to get more depressing. But what's done is done.

I know that when I get on that flight in 19 days, none of this will really matter anymore. I will become busy again, and these worries of mine will be pushed to the back burner. I love Justin more than anything in the world. But I know that the reason I am missing him so much right now is that I don't have anything to do. His life is moving forward--school starts for him on Tuesday. And I'm just here... not doing anything with my time except alphabetizing name ornaments at work and watching movies with my mom, and reading myself to sleep every night to keep from crying. Once everything starts again, I'll be ok. I need to be ok, or we won't survive it.

"But according to him, I'm beautiful, incredible. He can't get me out of his head. According to him, I'm funny, irresistible: everything he ever wanted... He loves me for everything I'm not..."
-->Orianthi, "According to You"