niner.

Well. I have 9 days to go before I walk across the stage at Holland Municipal Stadium in my cap and gown. 9 days. NINE. That's in single digits now. And I still have so much that I want to do!

I like making lists. For example, my bucket list. Ha. Well, I'm going to make a list of all the things I still want to do before I walk across that stage. And I have 9 days to get them all in. Ready, go.

1. Go to Stein Night. I swear I'll do it next Wednesday. Promise.
2. Go roller blading.
3. Play catch on the ultimate field. Or in the Pine Grove.
4. Toss a frisbee around for fun. Again, maybe in the Pine Grove.
5. Go to GoodTime Donuts.
6. Watch the sun set at the beach. And not be shivering while I'm doing it.
7. Have a Settlers of Catan rematch. Because I understand now. Haha.
8. Hug people. Hug anyone and everyone. I don't care if I don't really like it. I need to remember it all.
9. Get my picture taken in front of the anchor! I haven't done that since orientation.
10. Sneak into the chapel, stand on the stage, and take a picture of that view.

And now? MAY DAY. What, what? Awesome.

Happy Friday!

irony is the spice of life.

-Sometimes you finally decide to be active, and your body rebels, and the doctor prescribes inactivity.

-Sometimes you come all the way home for Easter for the first time in years with the intention of driving your car back to school, and two head gaskets blow, forcing you to take the family minivan back instead.

-Sometimes, you finally figure out who you want to be, and the friends you want to have, and you realize that those people aren't looking for new friends, even if you are.


So. A note on irony. It's been haunting me, following me around Hope's campus lately. Sometimes, all I can do is laugh. Sometimes, it makes me want to cry. But most of the time, it just makes me feel alone and completely isolated. Let me explain.

I haven't ran in years. I didn't really want to start again, but intramural soccer was calling to me. So I joined the Chem Club team, and was having a great time, even if my muscles were angry at me. Then, I had the opportunity to join an intramural ultimate frisbee team, and I jumped on it. I miss frisbee, and we're pretty good. Then... my ankles started to hurt. To the point where I could barely walk because of the shooting pains up the sides. My achilles tendons swelled, and certain movements made it seem like my ankles were going to give out all together. So.. I went to the athletic trainer, who told me it was my cleats. So, stop wearing them. All right, I can manage that. Well, the pain didn't go away. In fact, it got worse. So, back to the doctor. The prescription this time: don't do anything, and come back in a week. Joy. Well... now that I've been active, it's killing me to not do anything. I hate it. And I feel like I'm being a terrible intramural team member. Gahh. Irony: 1, Amanda: 0.

Well, I have been planning since spring break to come home for Easter to get the car I'm buying from my parents. Everything was set to go, and my friend and I flew home for the weekend, and were going to drive back on Easter Sunday. Well... in the car on the way home from the airport, my dad informs me that my car is broken. Two head gaskets blew, and they can't be fixed for a couple of weeks. Needless to say, the irony is starting to get to me. I mean, minivans are fine when you're riding with your parents. They're not so cool when you are in college. Gahhh. Irony: 2, Amanda: 0.

The last part is pretty self-explanatory. We're about to graduate. People are set into their friend groups. No one wants me as an addition. I feel like I'm a pretty good friend. People generally enjoy being around me, and I feel like my sense of humor agrees with most people. It's not really me that I'm thinking is the problem. Like with so many things, it's all about timing. I wasted too much time. I wish I could get that back, but I can't. So, I'll just keep on keeping on, hoping that these people will accept me for who I am. They all have their secrets and their inside jokes, and I just chill on the outside. But it's ok. It just makes me sad. Timing, in this case, is irony laughing in my face. So, Irony: 3, Amanda: 0.

I'm trying to take it day by day, and I'm trying not to take it personally. Irony may be out to get me, but the people caught in its path aren't. Optimism is the only way I'm going to be able to get through it. So, irony, you aren't going to break me, no matter how hard you try. Me, my bum feet, and my minivan are going to keep moving forward. I mean, slowly but surely.

Irony, you are the spice of life.

ignite the light.

"Do you ever feel already buried deep? Six feet under, screams, and no one seems to hear a thing. Did you know that there's still a chance for you? That there's a spark in you? You've just got to ignite the light, and let it shine. Just own the night like the 4th of July. Because, baby, you're a firework."

--> Katy Perry, "Firework"

These last several weeks have been some of the most happy of my life. Which is strange, because two things have happened that I shouldn't be happy about. First, I gave into spontaneity, which I never in my life thought I would do. And second, I've realized that I have never truly been respected in my life. And somehow, I'm happier now than I've ever been.

All of this started with (you guessed it): my bucket list. One of my roommates made it her goal to help me accomplish some of the items before graduation: go to a college party, learn the rules of basketball, go to Parrot's and the BOB, let people touch me. And those are just the ones that have already been accomplished. And in doing this, I have met some really wonderful people. People who look at me and don't see what needs to be changed and fixed. People who see me for exactly who I am. Even if I don't really know who that person is yet.

I would have never met these people if I hadn't given into the spontaneity. That first night I met the one guy who has made me rethink so many relationships in my life, I had a plan. I was going to do homework, and get a ton of things done that night. Instead, we watched the Princess Bride, and I got absolutely nothing done. And the rest is history, because that night was like the first domino in the row that is my life, the row that I had been protecting with everything that I have. I didn't want it to knock into the other ones, because that's the unknown. That's the place I didn't want to go to, because I didn't know where it would lead. I see where it's going now: to exactly where I need to be.

And, I would have never come to the realization that my friends have been terrible to me if I hadn't started talking. I've always said meaningless things in conversation with people. In the end, they think they know me, but they really only know the parts of me that I felt it was ok to share. Not anymore. I've been letting things out, slowly but surely. Like the drip of a leaky faucet. My ex's beliefs that smothered me. His roommate's strong opinions that bruised me. My family's harsh words that scuffed me. My friends' cruel jokes that broke me. And these people, these wonderful people, they look at me like I'm... damaged. Ha. I guess I am damaged.

Where were these people the first 7 semesters I was at Hope? Oh, they were here. I just didn't allow our paths to cross in a meaningful way. I used to have the tendency to avoid good people. I was attracted to the controllers, the people who were also damaged and needed a scapegoat. Scapegoat is a role I play well. Why? Because I'm an Adult Child of an Alcoholic, and that's what we do.

Getting to know these people now has been the biggest blessing in my life. I'm tearing up writing this, because I had no idea what I was missing. Not to say that these people who have been injuring my self-esteem and my pride all these years don't care about me. In their own way, I'm sure they do. But I don't want to be controlled anymore. I don't want to be the scapegoat anymore. I'm ready to do more with my life, to be someone else. Well, I think I'm ready. I hope I'm ready.

Specifically, there is one thing that will fuel this change in me. The guy I mentioned? The one who is making me rethink things? He gets this look in his eye when I say something he doesn't think is right, or fair, or... something. I guess I'm not really sure. It's sort of pity, like "oh, gosh, look at that poor damaged girl..." But I see more in it. I see the tiniest spark of anger. Maybe I'm entirely wrong, and it's really all pity. But what I see is anger at injustice. That one look, given to me several times tonight alone, is starting to make me think I might deserve better. Do I deserve better?

I've been battered, but never broken. I've cried more tears than I care to count, but I smile more. I am a damaged person, but there's hope for me. I've got to ignite the light. I've got to stand up for myself. I have to dance in public, like I did for the first time in 3 years last night. I have to sing, like my high school friend told me not to do, because I was bad at it. I have to play Settlers of Catan, because my ex's roommate told me I was too dumb to learn how. But most importantly, I need to be someone other than just another Adult Child of an Alcoholic. I need to heal. I need to own the night.

"This may not be my town, but it will do for now, until I can figure out who I am and where I'm going. She's slinging eggs and bacon with a college education, but her life's out there waiting for a better plan. She's ok not knowing. She's young, and the world's wide open."

--> Jason Aldean, "Wide Open"

"All she's ever felt is held back. She said, 'It's kind of nice to hear myself laugh.' She's gonna do a lot more of that. She's making plans and making tracks. She said, 'Oh, I've gotta go and find me.' Oh, she found the strength to break free."

--> Rascal Flatts, "No Reins"