you're my inspiration as i stand alone against the world.

"Flash forward, and we're taking on the world together. There's a drawer of my things at your place. You learn my secrets, and you figure out why I'm guarded. You say we'll never make my parents mistakes. We've got bills to pay. We've got nothing figured out. When it was hard to take, yes, yes, this is what I thought about: Do you remember? We were sitting there by the water. You put your arm around me for the first time. You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter. You are the best thing that's ever been mine. Do you remember all the city lights on the water? You saw me start to believe for the first time. You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter. You are the best thing that's ever been mine."

--> Taylor Swift, "Mine"

For once, this is not going to be about me. This is about inspiration that I found in my biology class. Somehow, I know everything is going to be ok now. It's probably poor logic, but hearing this from someone else suddenly makes my life seem ok. If they can make it, whatever happens to me is waht is supposed to happen. I guess I just need to keep telling myself that.

I walked into biology class today, and there was a guy talking about organic chemistry. So I listened, but I didn't say anything until he was done (at which point I pointed out that the professor also confused ethers and esters, but that's besides the point). Then I asked him, "why are you in this freshmen biology class if you have clearly taken upper-level chemistry courses?" And this is what he told me:

He graduated from Hope in 2007 with a degree in physics. His wife also graduated from Hope with a double major in Spanish and Sociology. For whatever reason, they both decided to go back to school. So he is taking classes in order to take the MCAT in April, and she is going for nursing. They both work full-time jobs. He said he basically goes for 15 hours a day, and in the evenings and on the weekends, he sleeps and spends time with his wife. But they are making it. He wears his wedding band. And I want that.

I want to be able to know that whoever I end up with will make sure we make it all work out. This feeling of hopelessness, this empty pit in my stomach, it only makes me want this kind of a life more. You might be thinking, why would you want that? It sounds terrible and lonely and the complete opposite of ideal. Yes, but that's the point. If a couple can be together during those times, then when everything is working out, they will be perfect. I want perfection. And I know who I want it with.

The problem is that I'm not sure how it's all going to work out. I have always had the mantra "If one person loves you, stick with them, because you may not find anyone else. So why risk it?" I got laughed at for this the other day. Apparently, my life is full of options. But there's only one option that I want, and it may be slipping away. I can feel myself starting to fade. I'm blurring at the edges. And I don't know how to fix it, because I can't on my own. This time, I have no control. It's out of my hands. And that's the hardest thing to come to terms with.

"I hope you can hear me. I remember it clearly: the day you slipped away."
-->Avril Lavigne, "Slipped Away"

"I'm all in, nothing left to hide. I'm falling, harder than a landslide. I spent a week away from you last night. And now I'm calling, calling out your name. Even if I lose the game, I'm all in, I'm all in tonight. Yeah, I'm all in, I'm all in for life>"
-->Lifehouse, "All In"

i can't breathe without you, but i have to.

"I never wanted this, never want to see you hurt. Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve. But people are people, and sometimes it doesn't work out. Nothing we say is going to save us from the fallout. And we know it's never simple, never easy. Never a clean break, no one here to save me. You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand, and I can't breathe without you, but I have to."

--> Taylor Swift, "Breathe"

"I'm still alive, but I'm barely breathing. I just prayed to a god that I don't believe in... When a heart breaks, no, it don't break even."

--> The Script "Breakeven"

"Picture perfect memories, scattered all around the floor. Reaching for the phone, because I can't fight it anymore. And I wonder if I ever cross your mind. For me, it happens all the time."

--> Lady Antebellum, "Need You Now"

What does it mean to truly love another?

Those are the opening words of the book Dear John. For John, in the book, truly loving Savannah was letting her move on with her life. But when I read it in January, it killed me. I was sad for days, struck by a novel that did not relate to my life at the time.

It makes more sense now.

I made the decision to end a relationship. It was all my own, and I know for a fact that it wasn't mutual. And working through those feelings has been nightmare-ish. But I know, in my lucid mind, that it was the right decision. Next year, I could be in any part of the country, because I will move to whatever school accepts me. But being back on the campus where we met, walking through the spaces where we fell in love... it's killing me. I'm dying, slowly but surely, and yet I'm trying to stay strong. Because if I can't stay strong, this sadness, this depression will pull me under. And I've already been under. It's not a pretty place.

I'm trying to rebuild. I'm trying to find strength inside me. After a while, I start to lose any ground I've gained. But I'm trying.

I wish I could somehow convey that my love will never be lost. I'm not even sure it will fade. It has just changed to the point that it isn't right anymore. We can't recover, because we don't see eye to eye. And that just kills me.

"When all you've got to keep is strong, move along, move along, like I know you do. And even when your hope is gone, move along, move along, just to make it through."

--> All American Rejects, "Move Along"

"Before the light, I found the dark. Before tonight, I fell apart. Frozen up, I've realized that something's got to change. It took a crash to understand that time kept slipping through my hands. I never used to know the sun will shine after the rain."

--> Tamar Kaprellian, "New Day"

you made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter.

A lot has changed in the past month. There were endings. And there were some beginnings.

Here I sit, in my mom's cousin, Robert's basement, and I am starting to reflect on the summer. It dragged on, but it also flew by. A lot has happened. I let go of some things that I have been holding tight to for the last two years. I learned to walk in heels. I took public transportation to and from work. I broke someone's heart. I chopped off my hair. I... grew.

In this mayhem of a process, I have discovered this:

"She said 'Oh, I've got to go and find me.' Oh, she found the strength to break free. Like a painted wild mustang flying out across the open range. She finally gets to live her life that way. No fear, no fences, nobody. No reins."

Leave it to Rascal Flatts, as always. So. Graduate school has changed. I have a list, and I've started filling out applications. All I know is that I need to leave the midwest for a while. I have to see what else is out there for me. And the coasts are calling.

"Is there life out there? So much she hasn't done. Is there life beyond her family and her home? She's done what she should, should she do what she dares? She doesn't want to leave, she's just wondering, is there life out there?"

-->Reba

it was a sweet southern soulful thing that got me down deep.

This is my song of the south.

I am not a southern girl. I grew up in the northern-most state in the continental US. I was completely terrified to venture south of the Mason-Dixon line on my own. But I did it, and I'm glad I did.

In the past, when I have thought about how I want my life to turn out, I always pictured myself at a grad school in the northeast. I wanted to go to Boston for the longest time. That's where I saw myself, and that's what I wanted. But something changed. I met a boy, and my plan went out the window. I don't have one anymore; MY plan no longer exists. It's OUR plan now, and OUR plan took me south.

"Something has changed within me. Something is not the same. I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game. Too late for second guessing. Too late to go back to sleep. It's time to trust my instincts. Close my eyes and leap. It's time to try defying gravity."

Initially, I was just going to write an extensive list of all the weird things about the south. But then I realized that the midwest, or more specifically, Minnesota, has just as many oddities. Where Minnesotans ice fish, southerners bow fish. We have lutefisk and cheese curds, and they have grits and boiled peanuts. It would just as strange for someone from that part of the country to come to my home as it was for me to go south. This is what I have to remember.

Out of everything that I have experienced on the other side of the Mason-Dixon line (side note: I just looked up the Mason-Dixon line on Wikipedia, and it turns out I've been south of it all summer. Huh. But, you get my drift...), the most striking to me has been something that I wasn't sure was going to be true: Southern hospitality. I figured it would be like Minnesota nice, and sort of exist when people felt like it. But it's real. It's real.

I acquired a brother in Scotland. His family allowed me to stay in their home while I was off galavanting in a foreign place. They welcomed me with open arms, and it sounded like they didn't even know much about me. They treated me like part of the family, and it was something relatively new to me, outside of my own family. Usually a guest knows they are a guest. But I didn't feel like a guest; I felt like I belonged. I felt like I gained another family. I loved it, and leaving this morning was much more difficult than I imagined. But I digress...

I have loved my experiences in this very different part of the country. I have enjoyed every minute of my grad school trips, and I feel like I am gaining a part of me that I didn't know even existed. Life slows down in the south, and that is something that I have always searched for and never been able to find. While my days in DC fly by at the pace of a city that never sleeps, my weekends are reminiscent of the lazy summer days of childhood. Once I arrive in my destination, everything happens at its own speed. I never knew I was looking for that, but I found it. I can sometimes feel myself talking slower, the beginnings of slipping into an accent that I will never fully be able to acquire. For the first time, I have been able to wing it and feel ok about it. My plans consist of a general idea of what I want to do, and I figure out the rest as I go. It's a life I never knew I was looking for. But I have fallen in love for the second time in my life, that much I know for sure.

When Justin first told me that he was probably going to be staying in Nashville, I felt stifled. I was upset, because I had wanted to apply to schools for forensic science all up and down the east coast. But then in Scotland, my plans changed. OUR plans changed. I don't want to go into forensic science anymore. I want to help people. I want to be part of the greater good. I want to go into pharmacology. Many instances led to this decision, but I am completely happy with it. It was meant to be this way, and I fully believe that certain people came into my life for the sole purpose of guiding me down this new path. And I am happy with the result; I am happy that Justin is going to be stationed in Nashville. I thought I wouldn't like the south, but I love it.

The thing that truly stands out the most is my change of heart about the south. I thought I would want to leave as soon as I got there. I thought I would be dreading the day when I say goodbye to Hope College and hello to whichever grad school I choose to go to. But I can't wait. My life is about to begin. And all I can think about is this:

When do I get to go back? :)

that song in my head.

Oh my goodness. It has been TOO LONG since I last wrote. My schedule here is so different than it was in Scotland that blog writing hasn't been a priority. I apologize, I will try to do better for the rest of the summer. This is how I have been spending my time here in Washington DC:

Internship: It has been a crazy 3 1/2 weeks. The internship itself is really interesting, although I am not terribly intrigued by the department I've been working with. Fingerprinting is interesting and all, but it's never been where I want my career to go. It's a great learning experience, though, and I have met a lot of cool people and heard some very interesting stories. And some of the agents' careers have been so amazing! They have been stationed all over the world and seen so many incredible things. The life experience that they have is just something that I can't imagine. The hardest part about the whole thing is the length of the days... I have to get up at 5:00 am so that I can leave for the metro station by 6:30, so that I can get to the Navy Yard by 7:45 to start my day at 8 am. Then I am there until 4 pm, and have to take the metro back, usually getting me home at around 5:30 pm. So by the time I get home from work, I've been up for over 12 hours. Ack. Then I have to make dinner, and chill until I have to try to go to bed by 10 pm so that I can get enough sleep for the next day... it's a tough schedule. But, like my mom says, I have to get used to it, because I will have a full-time job eventually. Hopefully without the kind of commute that I have here, but it's a definite possibility. Oy...

Washington DC: When I can walk places, I love it. When I have to drive or take the metro, I don't like it so much. The roundabouts don't make sense to me, and the metro makes me motion sick, but I have been getting by. It's more about convenience than anything else, and the metro is definitely convenient. I did some sightseeing the first weekend I was here (see facebook for pictures), and the history in this city is represented so well. Granted, it's nothing like the history that I saw in Scotland, but it is the history of this country. And while Scotland has still left a brand on my heart, I'm glad I'm home. It's been tough, and my emotions get the best of me at very inconvenient times. But I've kept in touch with Jeff and Kelsey, and they have been helping me through it because they understand what others don't.

Grad Schools: I have started my visiting, and therefore, my narrowing down of grad schools I want to apply to. Two weeks ago, I went to visit my good friend Laura at North Carolina State, and visited Carolina, Duke, and Wake Forest, and it was a blast, both to see the campuses and to see Laura! I am definitely applying to Carolina and Wake Forest, but I have eliminated Duke as a choice. I didn't like it enough to be that far away from Nashville, and I'm not sure I would be able to get in anyways. Then last weekend, for the 4th of July, I went to Nashville to see Justin. That was a perfect weekend. We went to the zoo, and we saw Vanderbilt (which I loved!) and the medical school of the University of Tennessee, in Memphis (which I didn't like). So I have eliminated that one too. Vanderbilt is my number one choice at this point, and I actually started the application for that today. Eek! This is going to be a tough fall semester, I think.

Well, I have much more to say, but I need to get going. I have to start getting ready for bed and continue studying for the GRE, which I am taking at the end of July. Eek! It's all really happening, which is pretty scary. But I will try to update after my trip down to South Carolina and Georgia this weekend. I'm visiting the University of Georgia and Emory. And I get to see Jeff! So it's going to be a good weekend.

I'll keep in touch!

you say goodbye, i say hello.

This blog was written on Saturday June 5, 2010 in the early morning hours as I sat in the middle of the hubbub that is London Heathrow airport. I had not yet been home, I had not yet seen Justin, I had not yet experienced the confusion that awaited me in the United States as I approached my quick turnover to Washington DC. Here it is. As for my internship at NCIS? Stay tuned as it gets underway.

Well, here I sit in Heathrow, watching a sea of people walk all around me. Some of them, if they had the choice, would probably walk right through me. But I’m ok with that at this point in my life.

It is just past 7 am in London. Which means it is just past 1 am in Nashville and in Red Wing, and 2 am in Washington DC. My three destinations. How weird is that? That I can’t even call a place home, because I am going to three “homes” in one week? Justin is in Nashville, and while I have never been there, if home is where the heart is, then Nashville is my summer home. Red Wing was my home for the first 18 years of my life, although I don’t really call it that anymore. Still, I’ll be there for a whole three days, so I have to call it something. And Washington? I don’t know what to call that yet. My physical summer home, I guess. The place I will be living and working for 10 weeks this summer. The place where my life may or may not begin.

A little over a year ago, I wrote about feeling like my constant state was like that of an airport: constantly waiting for something to happen. I hurry, I do everything right, I follow the rules, and yet, bad things still happen. Now, I am actually sitting in an airport. Funny how that happens. At this time last year, Scotland was just a distant possibility. I had been accepted to study abroad, but I didn’t know anything. And I had never dreamed that it would be as hard as it was. As it still is. I am still wrapping my head around it, although I don’t feel as numb as I have for the last several days. Before last night, my last emotion of any kind (except laughter, I guess, because I do that a lot) was the complete and utter sadness I felt on Tuesday, when I looked at the clock and realized that Jeff was somewhere over the Atlantic, while I was still on Scottish soil. It’s been rough, although the autopilot setting that I found myself on was useful in some ways. But I was a shell, and being a shell is not good for your mental state.

Scotland was a reality. That’s what I’m trying to wrap my mind around. And the key word in that sentence was “was.” Because it’s over. That is the other thing that I am trying to wrap my mind around: the fact that the last 4 months flew by without me really realizing it. Scotland was, literally, a roller coaster ride for me. I was up, I was down, sometimes I fell without warning and the next minute I’d be climbing again. It was a difficult ride. But I don’t regret it, and I’d do it again. When I first got to Scotland, all I could think about were all the things that I did not like about it: the cobblestones, the disorganization, the lack of a set schedule, the fact that my boyfriend and my friends were thousands of miles away. But now I see that I needed all of that. I needed to live in a world without a clock, without constant OCD-like organization, even without perfectly paved roads and sidewalks. Those things that stuck out so much to me at the beginning still did on the very last day, but in a different way. Now I see them as quirks, as the uniqueness of the place where I lived for the last 4 months. In order to fully comprehend this experience, I need to think of them that way. I have a new mind-set on life, which is something that I never expected to happen. I have made some life-long friends, people who I will cherish for the rest of my life. I have discovered some things about myself that I never knew existed, such as an apparent motherly instinct that had been buried for 21 years. And I am strong. I didn’t know it, and I never believed it. It pains me to admit this, but I had always thought that going to Hope had made me a strong, independent person. It didn’t. It didn’t even break the surface. I love Hope College with all of my being, but it’s a bubble. Scotland… not a bubble. Spending a semester in Aberdeen opened me up to the world. And believe me, the world is a big place. Even thinking about the different places where my new friends are scattered… they are all over the United States, from Michigan to Montana to South Carolina. They are all over Europe, from the UK, Finland, Malta, Italy. That’s not something that I could say before. In fact, I can hardly believe it now.

How will I remember this experience? What is the one thing that stuck out? I know the questions are going to bombard me when I get home. I don’t know how I can possibly answer them satisfactorily. I cannot think of one word that encompasses this experience for me. I felt every emotion possible while I was in Scotland. My friend Mary said that Scotland, to her, was life magnified. Everything that you felt, you felt in the deepest and purest form imaginable. That is all I can think of. Rascal Flatts comes about as close as I can tell to describe how I have felt about this experience: “I hope you never look back, but you never forget all the ones who love you in the place you left.” How could I say it any better? I won’t look back, because I have an entire life ahead of me. But I will also never, ever forget this experience. It has burned its own little place onto my heart, and while some people might say that now I’m branded, I like to think of it as a memory. As something to look back on when I’m older. As something to tell my kids about someday. I found myself there. I met my best friend there. I fell in love with a landscape unlike any other there. Scotland, for 4 months, was my home. How could I ever forget that?

Some people have been saying goodbye to Scotland. I can’t do that. I have already said how bad I am at saying goodbye. So I am (figuratively) waving to this beautiful green land, this land that will always hold my emotions and a small part of my heart. But it’s not goodbye. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to come back, but it’s not goodbye. It’s a thank you, it’s an acknowledgement. It’s all I can give. Because while some people are saying goodbye, I am saying hello to the rest of my life. I got through a semester of study abroad by myself. In a foreign country. With no one to tell me what to do or who to be. It was terrifying, it was liberating. It was my temporary home. It has shaped me into an improved Amanda. And since it is never going to leave me, I don’t feel I am ever leaving it either.

So, while you say goodbye, I say hello. Hello, hello. I don’t know why you say goodbye, when I say hello.

and then there were two.

Well. This title has two meanings. There are two of us left from our original group of three. One is now home, safe and sound, although a little worse for wear, I think. Reverse culture shock is the killer, I hear. And there are two days left. I have a Thursday and a Friday, and then I have to make sure my life is all packed up in two suitcases and a carry on. Is it possible? Stay tuned.

I don't know what to feel. Like, I have no idea, at all. I feel sad, but I'm excited, and I am having trouble reconciling one with the other. And, worst of all, I still have an exam to take. That's bad news, right there. But each day brings new surprises. Tuesday's surprises were excessive amounts of crying and laugh-until-your-stomach-hurts moments with Kelsey. Wednesday's were procrastination and putting on a strong face for someone who needed some strength. And today's? Who the hell knows? I can't even begin to imagine what is still in store.

I think the hardest part right now, for me, is knowing that I have to do it all by myself. Before I came here, I had all the talk-it-out packing moments with my mom, and she made sure that I didn't forget anything and that everything was going according to plan. I was that person for Jeff. I sat in his room and watched him pack, helped when he asked, and kept him company. I sat with him until he left for the airport. And I have no one here to be that person for me. I always knew that would happen, really. I like being the helper and the comforter, but that means that no one is around when I need the favor returned. I'm having trouble getting motivated, which is bad news, just like my test might be. I have too much to do, and yet I still find myself getting caught up in things that are not important right now. I need someone to sit with me, to talk to me, to tell me it's all going to be ok. I can't do it alone, but I have to. Normally, I would ask Justin to sit on skype with me and talk to me, but he has a job and a life. And the time zone difference is awful. I'm so close, and yet so far. I need guidance, I need strength, I need someone. But I'm wingin' it. It's very fitting for my last big stressor in Scotland. Because I've been wingin' it the whole time I've been here. I got lucky that I met my best friend here, I got lucky that the other girls from Hope are completely amazing, I got lucky that I was able to study and do well (I think) on my first two exams. I got lucky. But how do I know my luck hasn't reached it's end? How do I know?

How do I know? I don't. There's no way for me to know. But I guess I'll just have to close my eyes, grit my teeth, and jump in feet-first. That's the best way to end the greatest adventure of your life, right? With nothing holding you back, without knowing what's going to happen. I'm not that kind of person, normally. But here... well, here, anything can happen.

"All she's ever felt is held back. She says: 'It's kind of nice to hear myself laugh.' She's gonna do a lot more of that. She's making plans and making tracks. She said: 'Oh, I've gotta go and find me.' Oh, she found the strength to break free. Like a painted wild mustang flying out across the open range. She finally gets to live her life that way. No fear, no fences, nobody. No reins."

--> Rascal Flatts, "No Reins"