eyes open.

"the tricky thing is yesterday we were just children,

playing soldiers, just pretending.

dreaming dreams with happy endings.

in backyards, winning battles with our wooden swords.

but now we've stepped into a cruel world.

where everybody stands and keeps score.

keep your eyes open.

everybody's waiting for you to break down.

everybody's watching to see the fall out.

even when you're sleeping, sleeping,

keep your eyes open.

so here you are.

two steps ahead, and staying on guard.

every lesson forms a new scar.

they never thought you'd make it this far.

but turn around (turn around)

oh, they've surrounded you.

it's a showdown.

but you've got something they don't.

yeah, you've got something they don't.

keep your eyes open.

everybody's waiting for you to break down.

everybody's watching to see the fall out.

even when you're sleeping, sleeping,

keep your eyes open.

keep your feet ready,

heartbeat steady.

keep your eyes open.

keep your aim locked.

the night grows dark.

keep your eyes open.

everybody's waiting for you to break down.

everybody's watching to see the fall out.

even when you're sleeping, sleeping,

keep your eyes open."

-taylor swift, "eyes open"

(from "the hunger games" soundtrack)

this is how the real world makes me feel.
this is what it feels like to be attacked from all sides.

when everything i seem to do is wrong.

when the walls are caving in, because i don't understand what it's like to be an adult.

when insurance companies try to hang me out to dry.

when coworkers tell me i'm slow, that i do nothing right.

when the days blur together.

when my friends show their true colors, that they are not friends after all.

when all i want is a hug, but there is no one to calm my frayed nerves.

i have to keep my eyes open.

my something beautiful.

"hey now, this is my desire:

consume me like a fire.

because i just want something beautiful

to touch me.

i know that i'm in reach

because i am down on my knees

waiting for something beautiful."

- needtobreathe, "something beautiful"

44. find your "something beautiful."

i have had many loves in my life. some have been lasting (like softball, and writing), and some have been fleeting (like horse racing). there is one that has stood the test of time that few people know about, because it's an obscure interest/obsession for a girl from the midwest to have.

mountains. i'm in love with mountains.

my close friends know this about me. it was one of my categories of great knowledge in trivial pursuit, which we played at sleepovers in high school. i actually beat my north carolina roommate's fiance at trivial pursuit on a mountain question. i just love them. they tower over everything, and are beautiful both when you're standing at the base and the summit. and anywhere in between. all i want is to someday live in the mountains. someday.

more specifically, though, my greatest love is mount everest. i know so many facts about her. she towers over asia, right on the border of nepal and the region of china known as tibet. the mountain with the highest altitude in the entire world - 29,035 feet. they used to think it was 29,029, which has more of a ring to it, but that was changed not long ago. she's deadly, but so hauntingly beautiful. i could talk about her and look at pictures of her all day. she's my dream. i want to see her.

the months since i've graduated from college have been very interesting for me. i started grad school, then left. i got an amazing job, but was let go before i even started. i made the most amazing friends i could ever ask for, but moved away merely weeks later. life's a dance - you learn as you go. but it's been hard for me to find beauty in things. i have days where i'm so beaten down that i can barely keep the cynicism from spilling out into the beautiful world around me.

people often say that they are searching for what they are looking for in life - for their something beautiful. that they are lost and looking for meaning. that is what is so difficult for me. i've already found it. my something beautiful, what i want in life. the problem is that i can't have it. the romantic in me murmurs things like "nothing worth having is easy" and "nothing is impossible." but it's easier to give up and give in. and to just pretend to be lost, just like everyone else. the thing is... i'm not lost. i know exactly where i am, and what direction i'd like to go. as tolkien said, "not all who wander are lost." well. for now i'll keep pretending. i'm out in the world, looking for that something beautiful.

my something beautiful is like mount everest to a girl from the heartland. beautiful, completely awe-inspiring, dangerous and deadly and so enticing that it's hard to sit still. but unattainable. what are the chances that i'll ever get to kathmandu? that i'll ever hike the trail with the sherpas that leads to the base camp? that i'll ever stand among the tents at 17,000 feet, looking up at the khumba ice fall? what are the chances?

about as good as the chances that my something beautiful will see me as something beautiful in return.

"may the odds be ever in your favor."

- the hunger games

the heart of the world.

39. the best things in life sometimes fall into your lap.

(take them, and be grateful.)

40. a true friend will call you on your shit.

(and let you call them on theirs.)

41. go hiking every chance you get.

42. life is a highway.

43. be still and listen.

(you may surprise yourself with what you already know.)

i haven't written in a month, and i have no excuse for that. what have i been up to? well, i suppose it's about time i stop being cryptic and just spit it out. i've been hinting at it for long enough.

my little bio section on this blog says that i'm a graduate student at wake forest university. as of tuesday - two days from now - that will no longer be true. i am leaving graduate school for the time being, to pursue what god has in store for my life.

why am i leaving? the answer to that question is both simple and complicated. the simple answer? i didn't love it. the more complex answer involves a past relationship, another field that i believe i was meant to pursue, and feeling burned out beyond belief. too many words for right now. all that is important is that i'm going home. and home is where i learned rule #39.

two things fell into my lap in about a week's time: a new car and a job. i pursued both and have been successful. i'm so blessed, so lucky. it was so easy for me to find employment, and i know that isn't the case with everyone. some people that i graduated with in may are still looking for employment, and the economy isn't helping matters. i am so grateful of the opportunities that have been presented to me, and of the things that i have already taken out of life. i've lived in so many interesting places and done so many interesting things. life is full of curveballs. lucky for me, i have a softball player's soul and know how to swing a bat.

while i will be entering the real world of adulthood in 15 days, i know that there is a small part of my heart that is still missing. i've said this before, in a post from the summer, when my stomach churned with turmoil and uncertainty. but no matter what the circumstances were that made me say it, it is still true. i leave a little bit of my heart everywhere i go. now that i've spent some time in north carolina, i know a small part of my heart will be left here as well. it is beautiful here. it was not the location that caused me to run in the other direction. the timing was just not right for me to make this a permanent home. i'm too far away from the snow, the ice, the plexiglass and the pucks. i'm a minnesota girl. and minnesota is where i belong.

some things are still eluding me. love, for example. and the reasons behind all of the good luck i've been having. the luck that brought my best friend and i the closest together, geographically, that we've been in almost ten years of friendship - we will be working in the same suburb. crazy, right? but you see, all of the stuff that has fallen into my lap has taught me a very valuable lesson. i need to be patient. god's timing is never wrong. i can't go looking for love - love has to find me. i may never know why the stars lined up for me this christmas break. that's ok. the quest for knowledge is more fun than the answer anyways. it's the chase, as they say.

i'm only hoping that this lucky streak of mine will extend to love as well.

"hope is the soul of the dreamer.

heaven is the home of my god.

it only takes one true believer

to believe you can still beat the odds.

we're meant to be, baby, hold on to me.

i'll never not be your girl.

because love is the heart of the world."

- lady antebellum, "heart of the world"

i'm moving on.

38. know when the time has come to leave the past behind and move on with your life.

"i'm moving on.

at last i can see, life has been patiently waiting for me.

and i know there's no guarantees, but i'm not alone.

there comes a time in everyone's life

when all you can see are the years passing by.

and i have made up my mind that those days are gone."

- rascal flatts, "i'm moving on"

i have realized that there comes a time in everyone's life where you just have to leave the past in the past. you have to learn to let go. you have to embrace the unknown, embrace the future, because there is nothing left for you in the past. it's hard to let go. i know this better than anyone.

"she carries memories around like souvenirs down in her pockets.

she should have let some go by now, but can't seem to drop it.

she says 'forgiveness ain't nothing but a lifeless tire on the shoulder of her soul

that never rolls.

for as much as she stumbles, she's running.

for as much as she runs, she's still here.

always hoping to find something quicker than heaven

to make the damage of her days disappear."

- eli young band, "guinevere"

sometimes the things that you have to let go of are small. people don't understand why it's so hard. my memory is too good. i look at the things scattered on my desk, and i don't see things. i see people. i see events. i see a time gone by. on my desk is a miniature minnesota twins batting helmet. it doesn't look like much, but i see a beautiful day in may, time spent with my family, memories captured on the memory card of a digital camera. i have two metal filers on my desk, and on one of them hangs a pair of harry potter 3d glasses. but i look at them and am transported to the weekend of my roommate's wedding, watching the film three times in theaters, and then wearing the glasses while i presented my poster on seminar day. on my bed, on top of my comforter, is a quilt that my grandma made me. it is sewn together out of some of my favorite tee-shirts. sometimes just looking at it brings tears to my eyes. it's my life on a canvas of cotton. i want to go back, but at the same time, i don't. i need to move on.

"someday we'll know if love can move a mountain.

someday we'll know why the sky is blue.

someday we'll know why i wasn't meant for you.

someday we'll know why samson loved delilah.

one day, i'll go dancing on the moon.

someday you'll know that i was the one for you."

- jonathan swift and mandy moore, "someday we'll know"

moving on, for me, is about balancing letting go with holding tight. i can't forget all of the wonderful and awful things that have happened in my life, but i can't let them stop me either. sometimes, moving on is as simple as being happy that the ones you love are happy, even if you're not. sometimes it is letting go of toxic friendships, and rediscovering old ones. sometimes it is leaving a place that isn't right for you and starting again.

i know that moving on, for me, is right at this point in my life. it's not going to be easy. i'm going to hit walls, face frustrations, and probably hate it a good chunk of the time. but when you follow your heart, all of the pieces eventually fall into place. i believe this because i have faith in the plan that god has for me. and right now... he wants me to move on.

"don't let the night become the day.

don't take the darkness to the grave.

i know that pain is just a place,

and your will has been broken.

don't let the fear become the hate.

don't take the sadness to the grave.

i know a fight is on the way

when the sides have been chosen."

- needtobreathe, "keep your eyes open"

you can't take it with you.

37. possessions mean nothing in the long run.

i learned a valuable lesson today. you can't take anything with you when you go. possessions mean nothing.

how did i learn this, you ask?

i was in a car wreck this morning. i'm fine, i walked away with only a couple scrapes on my face from the airbag and some scratches on my hands. my car is no longer drivable. but here is the thing... it's ok. because i'm ok. i was laughing with the firefighters, cops, and emt's. my whole body was shaking in the emergency room, but i answered all of the questions that were needed, talked to police officers, nurses, and security guards. but i walked away. i am just fine. and while i have always known that possessions weren't the most important things in life, i have never felt it like i feel it now.

i don't need a fancy car. i don't need the newest technology or fashions. i just need the people who i care about to love me. i'm not a fan of the beatles. but what they say is true: all you need is love.

here is what i didn't realize about car wrecks. when you don't hit your head, you remember everything. i remember the moment i realized that the car was going to run the red light. i don't remember bracing myself, but i must have. i blinked, and i was no longer in the intersection. i remember my car flipping around. i remember jumping the median before hitting the break. i remember putting the car in park. i remember the pedestrian who saw the whole thing run over to my car and make sure i was all right. i remember opening my door and getting out, and then turning off my car as an afterthought. i stood up. i leaned against my car. i thought "i have to call my mom." and the rest is a blur.

but people say that you block out traumatic memories. that isn't always true. i remember everything.

that's almost worse.

my day was a little too eventful, and my night is now, hopefully, going to be calm. i'm watching hope hockey. i made some chili for the week. i'm trying to take it easy, because i know tomorrow is going to hurt.

one of my rules is to hug the people you love. i wish i was with them right now. i wish i could hug everyone. because if that car had been coming the other direction? if i had gotten hit on my driver's side? i wouldn't be writing this right now. and those thoughts terrify me more than anything.

"life is short, so let's go live it. ain't no time for wasting time. days like these, they go by way too fast. yeah, days like these, we want to make them last."

- jason aldean, "days like these"

love, love, love. all you need is love.

the rules of life

a friend of mine (shout out to dc, from the peaslee lab) posted one of the rules from the movie "zombieland" as his facebook status yesterday. this got me thinking. everyone should write the rules of their life, based on their experiences. i think it would be a great exercise in "living and learning," as they say. so i'm going to start a list. i figured that, as i think of them, i'll either add them to the end of the next post. ready for this?

amanda's rules of life

1. always keep food in your purse.

2. rock your identifier like it's nobody's business.

(lime green shoes. that is all.)

3. be weird. be you.

4. do not associate with people who don't respect you.

5. do not change your plans for a boy.

6. fight for what you want and what you love.

7. sing.

8. prove doubters wrong.

9. hypothetical violence is okay.

(read: throat punch.)

10. do not fall in love with your best friend.

11. sometimes you have to leave home before you realize you want to go back.

12. find friends who love you for who you are, and never let them go.

13. let your inner five-year-old shine.

14. do not make promises you know you cannot keep.

15. inside jokes keep friendships alive.

16. never burn bridges.

17. some people change.

18. follow your dreams and your heart.

19. do not feign interest in other people's lives.

(you will lose their respect when they realize you were only pretending to care.)

20. defend the people you love, no matter what.

21. do not change for anyone.

(the only people you should want in your life are the ones who love you for you.)

22. never believe stereotypes, gossip, or rumors.

23. if you want to know, ask. do not assume.

24. laugh so hard that your abs hurt as often as you can.

25. be grateful for what you have, and thank god for it every day.

26. hug the people you love.

27. be proud of your quirks.

(there is no one like you. remember it.)

28. make the best of bad situations.

29. have a creative outlet.

(write on.)

30. forgive.

31. do not live your life for happiness. live for fulfillment.

32. enjoy the little things.

(stolen from "zombieland.")

33. thank people.

34. love with all of your heart. always.

35. live in the present. the future will come soon enough.

36. have a bucket list, and cross things off!

well. this is certainly a good start. i'll add if i think of more rules that i live by. happy friday!

poison and wine

you only know what i want you to.

i know everything you don't want me to.

your mouth is poison. your mouth is wine.

you think your dreams are the same as mine.

i don't love you, but i always will.

oh, i don't love you, but i always will.

i don't love you, but i always will.

i always will.

i wish you'd hold me when i turn my back.

the less i give, the more i get back.

your hands can heal. your hands can bruise.

i don't have a choice, but i still choose you.

-the civil wars, "poison and wine"

my life is a mess. i've said that before, and i'm sure i'll say it again. but right now, my shit is a mess. i have had a headache every day for the past two weeks. i have things to do, decisions to make, and i can't make myself do anything. i want to talk myself in circles, but everyone is tired of listening. i simultaneously know what i want and don't know what i want. maybe it's just that the things i want are unattainable. or i'm afraid to take a chance in order to achieve them. or... i'm just not meant to have them at all.

sometimes, i feel like i'm a walking contradiction. i'm a scientist, but all i really want to do is write and take pictures. i'm filled with love for so many people, but i'm afraid of anyone loving me. i tell people to follow their hearts, but i can't seem to follow my own.

if you asked me exactly what i wanted out of my life, i would be able to tell you. i just don't know how to get there. i can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but i can't find the entrance of the tunnel itself. i know i think too much. i should probably just let this happen. i need to let this happen. or this pounding in my head is going to kill me.

i've been calling and calling for you, but you answer, and i shut my mouth.

i've been searching and searching for you, but myself, i don't want to be found.

you say "i am." you say "let go."

you say "believe," but it's not that easy for me.

you say "wait." you say "right now.

don't you see you're already one foot in the ground?"

i've been wicked and wild and wrong and i've wondered the price of my shame.

i've been hiding my face for so long, it's a wonder that you know my name.

you say "come home." you say "i'm here."

you say "there's some things you just can't control."

you say "let me." you say "believe.

why do you search for the answers you already know?"

i am the way and the light and the truth.

don't be misled by the flight of your youth.

have faith in the things you can't seem to believe.

what if you had faith in me?

you say "rest here. this is your home.

don't you see that you knew i was here all along?"

-saving jane, "you say"