These past four days have been some of the hardest in my life. But I'm here, in Aberdeen, Scotland, trying to get by on my own. I've done a lot of crying, and definitely a lot of soul searching during these days. I know it seems like I've hardly been here, but it feels like a long time to me. I honestly am not sure I can do it alone. But I am here now, and I have to keep pushing on. Classes start tomorrow, so that will help me adjust. Routines have always helped me through tough times.
Jetlag has been the main culprit in my dysfunction. I am so tired, but am unable to sleep during the times I should be sleeping. I'm actually thinking about a nap right now. I get extra emotional when I am tired, so all of my crying has been influenced by the incredible tired-ness.
I actually woke up this morning feeling fairly hopeless. I only wanted to go home, which is what I've been feeling pretty much since I arrived. I wish Justin could visit, or my family, so I had something to look forward to. Right now, everything is just laying out in front of me, like a vast sea of things out of my control, and it makes me feel panicky, and then the crying starts. I can't find out when my finals are until really late... like April or May. And I would like to start thinking about getting a ticket home, so I have enough time to prepare for my internship in Washington DC. I just feel like so much is getting thrown at me, and I can't control any of it.
I did go to church this morning, though, and that calmed me down a lot. I just started thinking that God doesn't give us more than we can handle, so I must be able to do this. I hope it goes quickly, though. I don't think I could handle a slow semester. There are only 8 weeks of classes, though, with exams and revision weeks on top of that. So it probably will go fast.
It sounds silly, but Bon Jovi's new song has given me more hope for this semester. I have to make my own path, even though it might weave and join other people's paths at times. The most difficult has definitely been separating my path from Justin's, even if it is only for a short time. Just thinking of him makes me want to cry all over again, but the panic is gone. I just miss him. He told me to make an adventure book so I can show him when I get back. But he's not going to be in my adventure, and that's what makes me so sad. I want him to see all of this, and I want to experience everything new in my life with him. This is definitely a test, but like I already said, God didn't give me more than I can handle. It's going to be a challenge, but I'll get through it.
"We weren't born to follow. Come on and get up off your knees. When life is a bitter pill to swallow, you've got to hold on to what you believe. Believe that the sun will shine tomorrow, and that your saints and sinners bleed. We weren't born to follow. You've got to stand up for what you believe."
-->Bon Jovi, "We Weren't Born to Follow"
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