you've got a smile that takes me to another planet.

I haven't updated in almost two weeks again, but I'm going to blame this on the fact that not a whole lot has happened. We watched the entire first two seasons of Big Bang Theory in a single weekend. I went to see Glamis Castle with Jeff. And I have tried to do some homework, but that is slow going. Jesse, her boyfriend, and I (talk about being a third wheel...) went to see the movie "Whip It," which was really good and really funny, and Kelsey and I are going to see "Dear John" tonight (finally!). But other than that, not much has happened in the last two weeks. Granted, there was a volcano eruption in Iceland that has grounded all flights in and out of London, which has stranded a good number of Americans in places other than Aberdeen. That was some news, since I guess it hasn't blown in about 300 years or something. All I have been able to think about, though, this whole time, is going home. I've been here long enough now, I'm ready to go back home. However, that is not under my control, because I still have 4 weeks of class, a week of revision, and up to 3 weeks of finals. Drat.

Jeff posed an interesting question to me as we were walking through downtown Dundee: he asked, if I could do it all over again, would I still come here. I was slightly startled, because that was something I had never thought about. Ultimately, I think I would come back here, and that is what I told him. But I would have saved more money, bought less things in the last year, maybe lied on my RA reappointment application so I could have done that in the fall. Because, maybe, just maybe, if I had had more money here, I could have convinced Justin to come visit me if I helped pay for it. Or I could have gone home for part of spring break without needed my parents' permission, since I would have had my own money. And then maybe I wouldn't have to worry about trying to find a part time job on top of my full time internship this summer in a city that I am not familiar with. Maybe things would be different. I don't think money would help me feel less alone, but you never know. Since I've never in my life had an abundance of it, I certainly don't know. But I doubt it. That's something that I have been trying to tell Justin, but I just don't know how. Money, in the long run, doesn't matter. So what if we're broke after college. As long as I have some way to see him while I try to chug through graduate school, I don't need money. Our life together is all I need.

Graduate school is yet another thing that has been on my mind a lot lately. I thought I had the list of the 8 places I was going to visit and apply to. But now... well, last night, Justin suggested that I look at the schools in Tennessee a little closer to see if they have the programs that I am looking for. There wasn't a whole lot in Tennessee, unless I want to go into pharmacology or medicinal chemistry instead of toxicology. But I don't... and now I don't know what to do. I'm pretty sure the closest school that offers what I want is in Lexington, Kentucky, and that is 3 and a half hours from Nashville. Oy. This is going to be hard.

The graduate school issue is not, however, my biggest dilemma at the moment. I don't know when my finals are yet. And I have to get home. And Justin has this idea that I could fly into Nashville for a few days on my way home and then go up to Minneapolis, and then drive out to DC. Oy. If I could just find out when my finals are, we can figure all this out. However, this fricken place is beyond slow on the uptake, because finals times ARE NOT POSTED YET!!! They start in just over a month! I don't understand! Don't the regular students have to plan when they need to go home too? Dah. But I have heard from two different people now that they should definitely be up next week, because it is a) a month before finals begin, and b) the week after Easter break. So they better be right, because this is ridiculous. It's so hard not having an end date. I don't know what to look forward to and I don't know what to do with myself. I'm counting down to a date that might not even be right. I just wish I could be strong and carefree, but that isn't me. I'm a crier. I'm a planner. I'm so future oriented that I have trouble living in the present. These are things that I am learning about myself. Another thing that I have learned is that I must be hard to love. I'm impatient, I'm annoying, I'm overly emotional. How is it that I found someone who loves me? I'm a very lucky girl. That is what I have to keep telling myself during these next 56-ish long days. I'm so lucky. I'm so lucky. I'm so lucky.

I'm so lucky.