on friendship

"these people are dumb.  file them under 'w' for 'worthless.'" - nameless friend #1

"people only treat others badly when the person on the other end allows it.  you are allowing it." - nameless friend #2

"so much of friendship is like a love affair - the novelty and sparkle wearing down at the edges to become something comfortable and predictable, like the cardigan you take out of your drawer on a rainy sunday because you need to surround yourself with something cozy and familiar."  - jodi picoult, sing you home

"dear best friend, please stay in my life forever, because you are one of the best things to ever happen to me.  love, me."  - teenager post #4742

what is friendship, exactly?  what makes a person your friend?  are you friends when you add them on facebook, or follow them on twitter?  or is it something more intimate than that?  is it when you exchange phone numbers or email addresses?  or when you hang out together on purpose, planning out a meeting to do something that you both enjoy?  where is the line?  where does friendship begin?

and more importantly, where does it end?

i think i have always valued friendships on a different level than other people do.  i care so deeply about people.  i'm the kind of person who will text a friend good luck before an exam, who will wait anxiously to hear about a first date, and who will listen for hours if that's what someone needs.  and, for some crazy reason, i have always expected that in return.  maybe i'm crazy.  maybe i need to face the reality - people don't think like me.  and, clearly, people don't feel like me.

i love my friends.  and i consider a lot of people in that category.  i go to them for advice, and patiently listen to what they all have to say.  i tell them my stories and my gossip.  i toss out one-liners that leave them laughing and take pictures of them to capture those moments forever.  but i often am left disappointed.

to use a very extreme analogy (that i borrowed from a romantic comedy), think of your life.  now, say your house/apartment started on fire.  what would you save?

i would save people.  and i think "people" would save themselves, or their things.

i have good friends who go weeks without answering text messages.  i have good friends who don't think twice about deserting me to hook up with someone they just met.  i have good friends who don't offer me a ride home, so i walk over a mile on a busy road by myself.  i have good friends who treat me like the doormat that they wipe their feet on - i.e., walk all over me, take advantage of me.  and these are the people who i love, who i trust, who i can't picture my life without.

something is wrong here.

since i moved home three months ago, i have been constantly plagued by insecurity.  i have been single for almost two years.  i have so many quirks that people can't keep track.  i don't have any distinguishing features, and don't leave enough of an impression to be remembered.  and i've been needing some love from my friends.

sometimes, during the late night/early morning hours when i'm awake and no one else is, i think about what would happen if i just disappeared for a while.  if i took a hiatus, and stopped answering texts, emails, phone calls.  if i faded into the background, got lost in the hubbub of everyone's busy lives.  would people notice?  if this blog post was the last communication i had for a while, outside of the people i physically see each day.  would anyone miss me?  it seems dramatic and immature, but i am a strong believer that sometimes, a little immaturity is cathartic.  maybe if one person loved like i did, i wouldn't have these thoughts in my head.

do i really allow people to treat me badly?  do i really just stand by and let people walk all over me?  is that possible?  i always tell myself that i'm just choosing my battles, and it's not worth fighting about these things.  but maybe a fight is what is needed.  maybe all this time, i should have been fighting for better treatment, for more love, for something equal to what i give.

i'll consider that while i'm on hiatus.

"if i treated you like you treat me, you'd hate me."  - twitter post