you say goodbye, i say hello.

This blog was written on Saturday June 5, 2010 in the early morning hours as I sat in the middle of the hubbub that is London Heathrow airport. I had not yet been home, I had not yet seen Justin, I had not yet experienced the confusion that awaited me in the United States as I approached my quick turnover to Washington DC. Here it is. As for my internship at NCIS? Stay tuned as it gets underway.

Well, here I sit in Heathrow, watching a sea of people walk all around me. Some of them, if they had the choice, would probably walk right through me. But I’m ok with that at this point in my life.

It is just past 7 am in London. Which means it is just past 1 am in Nashville and in Red Wing, and 2 am in Washington DC. My three destinations. How weird is that? That I can’t even call a place home, because I am going to three “homes” in one week? Justin is in Nashville, and while I have never been there, if home is where the heart is, then Nashville is my summer home. Red Wing was my home for the first 18 years of my life, although I don’t really call it that anymore. Still, I’ll be there for a whole three days, so I have to call it something. And Washington? I don’t know what to call that yet. My physical summer home, I guess. The place I will be living and working for 10 weeks this summer. The place where my life may or may not begin.

A little over a year ago, I wrote about feeling like my constant state was like that of an airport: constantly waiting for something to happen. I hurry, I do everything right, I follow the rules, and yet, bad things still happen. Now, I am actually sitting in an airport. Funny how that happens. At this time last year, Scotland was just a distant possibility. I had been accepted to study abroad, but I didn’t know anything. And I had never dreamed that it would be as hard as it was. As it still is. I am still wrapping my head around it, although I don’t feel as numb as I have for the last several days. Before last night, my last emotion of any kind (except laughter, I guess, because I do that a lot) was the complete and utter sadness I felt on Tuesday, when I looked at the clock and realized that Jeff was somewhere over the Atlantic, while I was still on Scottish soil. It’s been rough, although the autopilot setting that I found myself on was useful in some ways. But I was a shell, and being a shell is not good for your mental state.

Scotland was a reality. That’s what I’m trying to wrap my mind around. And the key word in that sentence was “was.” Because it’s over. That is the other thing that I am trying to wrap my mind around: the fact that the last 4 months flew by without me really realizing it. Scotland was, literally, a roller coaster ride for me. I was up, I was down, sometimes I fell without warning and the next minute I’d be climbing again. It was a difficult ride. But I don’t regret it, and I’d do it again. When I first got to Scotland, all I could think about were all the things that I did not like about it: the cobblestones, the disorganization, the lack of a set schedule, the fact that my boyfriend and my friends were thousands of miles away. But now I see that I needed all of that. I needed to live in a world without a clock, without constant OCD-like organization, even without perfectly paved roads and sidewalks. Those things that stuck out so much to me at the beginning still did on the very last day, but in a different way. Now I see them as quirks, as the uniqueness of the place where I lived for the last 4 months. In order to fully comprehend this experience, I need to think of them that way. I have a new mind-set on life, which is something that I never expected to happen. I have made some life-long friends, people who I will cherish for the rest of my life. I have discovered some things about myself that I never knew existed, such as an apparent motherly instinct that had been buried for 21 years. And I am strong. I didn’t know it, and I never believed it. It pains me to admit this, but I had always thought that going to Hope had made me a strong, independent person. It didn’t. It didn’t even break the surface. I love Hope College with all of my being, but it’s a bubble. Scotland… not a bubble. Spending a semester in Aberdeen opened me up to the world. And believe me, the world is a big place. Even thinking about the different places where my new friends are scattered… they are all over the United States, from Michigan to Montana to South Carolina. They are all over Europe, from the UK, Finland, Malta, Italy. That’s not something that I could say before. In fact, I can hardly believe it now.

How will I remember this experience? What is the one thing that stuck out? I know the questions are going to bombard me when I get home. I don’t know how I can possibly answer them satisfactorily. I cannot think of one word that encompasses this experience for me. I felt every emotion possible while I was in Scotland. My friend Mary said that Scotland, to her, was life magnified. Everything that you felt, you felt in the deepest and purest form imaginable. That is all I can think of. Rascal Flatts comes about as close as I can tell to describe how I have felt about this experience: “I hope you never look back, but you never forget all the ones who love you in the place you left.” How could I say it any better? I won’t look back, because I have an entire life ahead of me. But I will also never, ever forget this experience. It has burned its own little place onto my heart, and while some people might say that now I’m branded, I like to think of it as a memory. As something to look back on when I’m older. As something to tell my kids about someday. I found myself there. I met my best friend there. I fell in love with a landscape unlike any other there. Scotland, for 4 months, was my home. How could I ever forget that?

Some people have been saying goodbye to Scotland. I can’t do that. I have already said how bad I am at saying goodbye. So I am (figuratively) waving to this beautiful green land, this land that will always hold my emotions and a small part of my heart. But it’s not goodbye. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to come back, but it’s not goodbye. It’s a thank you, it’s an acknowledgement. It’s all I can give. Because while some people are saying goodbye, I am saying hello to the rest of my life. I got through a semester of study abroad by myself. In a foreign country. With no one to tell me what to do or who to be. It was terrifying, it was liberating. It was my temporary home. It has shaped me into an improved Amanda. And since it is never going to leave me, I don’t feel I am ever leaving it either.

So, while you say goodbye, I say hello. Hello, hello. I don’t know why you say goodbye, when I say hello.

and then there were two.

Well. This title has two meanings. There are two of us left from our original group of three. One is now home, safe and sound, although a little worse for wear, I think. Reverse culture shock is the killer, I hear. And there are two days left. I have a Thursday and a Friday, and then I have to make sure my life is all packed up in two suitcases and a carry on. Is it possible? Stay tuned.

I don't know what to feel. Like, I have no idea, at all. I feel sad, but I'm excited, and I am having trouble reconciling one with the other. And, worst of all, I still have an exam to take. That's bad news, right there. But each day brings new surprises. Tuesday's surprises were excessive amounts of crying and laugh-until-your-stomach-hurts moments with Kelsey. Wednesday's were procrastination and putting on a strong face for someone who needed some strength. And today's? Who the hell knows? I can't even begin to imagine what is still in store.

I think the hardest part right now, for me, is knowing that I have to do it all by myself. Before I came here, I had all the talk-it-out packing moments with my mom, and she made sure that I didn't forget anything and that everything was going according to plan. I was that person for Jeff. I sat in his room and watched him pack, helped when he asked, and kept him company. I sat with him until he left for the airport. And I have no one here to be that person for me. I always knew that would happen, really. I like being the helper and the comforter, but that means that no one is around when I need the favor returned. I'm having trouble getting motivated, which is bad news, just like my test might be. I have too much to do, and yet I still find myself getting caught up in things that are not important right now. I need someone to sit with me, to talk to me, to tell me it's all going to be ok. I can't do it alone, but I have to. Normally, I would ask Justin to sit on skype with me and talk to me, but he has a job and a life. And the time zone difference is awful. I'm so close, and yet so far. I need guidance, I need strength, I need someone. But I'm wingin' it. It's very fitting for my last big stressor in Scotland. Because I've been wingin' it the whole time I've been here. I got lucky that I met my best friend here, I got lucky that the other girls from Hope are completely amazing, I got lucky that I was able to study and do well (I think) on my first two exams. I got lucky. But how do I know my luck hasn't reached it's end? How do I know?

How do I know? I don't. There's no way for me to know. But I guess I'll just have to close my eyes, grit my teeth, and jump in feet-first. That's the best way to end the greatest adventure of your life, right? With nothing holding you back, without knowing what's going to happen. I'm not that kind of person, normally. But here... well, here, anything can happen.

"All she's ever felt is held back. She says: 'It's kind of nice to hear myself laugh.' She's gonna do a lot more of that. She's making plans and making tracks. She said: 'Oh, I've gotta go and find me.' Oh, she found the strength to break free. Like a painted wild mustang flying out across the open range. She finally gets to live her life that way. No fear, no fences, nobody. No reins."

--> Rascal Flatts, "No Reins"

what can I say?

What do you say when your best friend walks out the door?

Well, mine just did. And I didn't say what I wanted to. I couldn't think of the words. I wanted to be brilliant. I wanted to be remembered. Instead, I was just me, holding back tears. Why would I want to be someone different, you ask? Because sometimes I see myself as someone not worth remembering.

I hold my fear of being forgotten as a shield. Usually, I don't let anyone past it. There are very few people who have seen the other side of the shield, who have seen what I am hiding from everyone else. My best friend from Scotland? He was one of them. With him, I was a talker. I was special. I was me.

How often does a person find another person like that? How often will I be able to trust another person with my soul?

I am trying not to be sad, but the tears keep coming anyways. I have to look ahead to the adventure I have in front of me. I get to see my loving and wonderful boyfriend in 4 days, which I am more than excited about! And then I will be home for exactly 3 days before I hit the road again, before I can say that I enter the Washington Navy Yard on a daily basis. Then I'll be all over the place during the summer, visiting grad schools and Justin, trying to figure out my life. It will be a whirlwind adventure, much like this one that is coming to a close.

Justin has my heart, and he will for the rest of my life, if we are lucky. But there has always been that one thing that has been missing, the one thing that he can't understand about me. I am an older sibling. I have to set that example, I have to be that person that blazes the trail. I feel too much and I give too much, and that has always been who I am. While Justin tolerates it and loves me for who I am, he has never understood. That is why I have best friends. That is why I feel broken right now, because one of them will be leaving this place in less than 4 hours. He will be returning to his home, in a place just about as foreign to me as this place was when I arrived. He will move on with his life, and I will move on with mine, and if we're lucky, our paths will cross again.

While this does not bring me comfort, I will go to bed tonight knowing this much.

He feels broken too.

she's making plans and making tracks.

Ten days. That is all the time I have left here in Scotland. Ten days. I have been looking forward to this the entire time I have been here. But I understand now how it is difficult for people back from study abroad to sum up their time away.

While I have actually become a bit attached to this place, I think I have become more attached to the people I have met here. So it is not at all that I have changed my mind and don't want to go home now. I have just come to the realization that I am no longer going to see some of my best friends on a daily basis anymore. I am never going to see my flatmates again, as they come from Finland, Malta, and Italy. I am not going to have to plan on when to get groceries depending on the weather conditions, because I won't have to walk over a mile carrying them. No more cobblestones, no more double decker buses, no more 11 am on Wednesday smoke detector checks. But it's ok. This chapter of my life may be closing, but the important thing is that it was written.

On a related note, I took my first Scottish final on Monday. Man, are they persnickety here. We have to leave our bags at the front of the room, and they don't let people into the testing rooms early. We can't leave our seats during the first or last half hour of the exam. And they grade everything anonymously, so you have to seal your name and stuff away from the graders. Weird. However, taking it calmed me down quite a bit about the two I still have left to take. It's not Hope, that's for sure. But it will do, I guess. Let's hope everything goes well!

I was thinking today (when I should have been absorbing information about the use of alternative medicine, or something like that...) that what I think I am most nervous about are the goodbyes. I hate goodbyes, especially if it's someone who has been an important part of my life. Goodbyes are messy, and I don't like messes. I wish I could be like Sheldon Cooper, and just leave a video message for my "three friends and one cherished acquaintance." Haha. But that is not how goodbyes work in our world. If I know that I'm going to see a person again soon, it's easier. But the people that I have met here? Aside from the other Hope girls, I don't know when I'm going to see them again. And I'm not a hugger, so I'm just awkward. Awkward all around. The only conclusion that I have come to in this conundrum is this: I'll just have to see everyone again. Because I'm bad at goodbyes, I'll just have to turn them all into "see you laters." There is no other way that I would be able to approach this. I heard a story not long ago about a person who didn't like using "adios" as goodbye in Spanish. Because the literal translation, "to God" or "with God," sounds like an ending. So they would alter the phrase, or use an "hasta luego" instead. That's what I'm going to have to do, but in English. Because this isn't an ending. It's just the beginning.

Ten days from right now I will be somewhere over the Atlantic Ocean, on my way to New York City to catch my connecting flight to Nashville. It seems so distant, but it's soon. And I think I'll be ready by that time. I'm ready to see Justin again, that's for sure. But I wish seeing him again didn't have to mean saying goodbye to everything here. I know it will be ok. Because my life with Justin truly is at its beginning. And, like he's been telling me all along, I'll be glad that I came here. And I am. I am glad.

just like a dream, you are not what you seem.

I was hoping to update sooner than this, but it just didn't happen. I had a paper to write in the days just after returning from Edinburgh, and now I am in the middle of studying for my first Scottish final exam. And I'm a bit nervous about it, I'm not going to lie. Luckily (I think), my first final is for the class that isn't going to transfer back as anything. So I can get the format down and what not before the two tests that actually matter. Oy. This is going to be a long two weeks.

But, Edinburgh! It was beautiful, just gorgeous. The architecture was amazing, and we did some really interesting things. My favorite was probably the Free Tour we went on on Sunday afternoon. It lasted 3 hours, and we saw and heard some of the coolest things about Edinburgh. Least favorite thing: ghost tour. Ack. It was fine until we had to listen to details of... certain instruments showcased in the torture museum. I thought I was going to be sick. And then she took the big group down into the haunted vaults, where paranormal experts have always found evidence of activity... double ack! Ghosts terrified me when I was little, and apparently that hasn't changed much, because I started panicking and decided not to finish the tour. Jeff and Jesse told me I didn't miss much, because at that point, the tour guide was just trying to freak people out, I think. I'm not a fan of that, thank you very much. Just like I'm not a fan of garbage. (Ok, I hope someone laughs at that, because it's a bit of an inside joke, I guess... haha.) But the rest of our time in Edinburgh was wonderful, and Edinburgh Castle was absolutely beautiful. The view! It was amazing... you could see the whole city from up there! It was definitely one of my favorite places that I've been since I have been here in Scotland. Definitely.

Other than that, I think my traveling is pretty much done. We were going to try to go to Ben Nevis, but it would be way to expensive, which is sad. But I still haven't seen Stirling Castle yet, or the William Wallace Monument, so Jeff had mentioned maybe a day trip to Stirling to break up the studying of next week. And Jesse still wants to go back to Glamis. We'll see about that, I'm running out of time now. I am starting to get sad when I think about leaving here, but I know that everything I have left ahead of me is going to keep the adventure going. I was telling Jeff a while back that I feel like I wasted too much time being sad over here. He was quick to point out that it didn't keep me from doing anything, and I really had seen a lot of places and done a lot of things. He's right, I guess; at least I'm not going to look back on this trip and say "why didn't I?" Because I did. Even though I was completely scared shitless the entire time I was here by myself, and even though I cried here more than I probably have the rest of my life combined, and even though I had to be away from the ones that I love for over 4 months, I did it. I did it.

And the best part about the two weeks I have left here? The part that is going to get me through the final exams and the packing and the possibly tearful goodbyes? It's knowing who is waiting for me on the other end of my incredibly long travels home. After 150 days apart, I will get to see Justin again. And while I will only have 36 hours in Nashville, it won't matter, because we already spent 5 months away from each other. Every hour counts, and we both know that now. And then, I will get on another plane and see the three people who have gotten me through this entire endeavor, from the Minneapolis airport to a spring break visit, and then back to the Minneapolis airport. Mom, Dad, and Lauren, I can't wait to see you all and get tons of hugs.

My adventure in Scotland may be coming to a close, but it's not over yet. And the adventure of the rest of my life? That has only begun. Stay tuned. :)

when you call my name, it's like a little prayer.

Since the death of my external harddrive, I apologize for the lack of pictures in my blog. Like I said, go to facebook and look at them! I love taking pictures, so I like it when other people can enjoy them as well. :) This particular picture is of the coral beaches on the Isle of Skye. It was one of the most beautiful places I have seen, but the wind was atrocious. It was still worth it, even if my ears ached for a long time afterwards.

So, updates? Oy, I haven't written in so long that I'm not sure what to say. We did indeed go to Balmoral Castle last weekend for a day trip, and we are leaving for Edinburgh tomorrow! I'm excited, I have only heard good things about the city. And, courtesy of a nice guy in my chemistry lab, I have also learned that there are many places where you can get cheap alcohol... I guess I'll keep that in mind? People's priorities here are a little different than Hope, to say the least.

As for the rest of the places that I promised updates on... I just don't have the time. So, what I'm going to do is this: I am going to list off one word to describe each place. :)

Glamis: MACBETH! (haha. Well, that wasn't much of a description, especially since Shakespeare lied [gasp!], but still, it's all I've got. Haha.)

the inside of Dunnotter: epic/awesome. (I couldn't decide on a single word... haha.)

Isle of Skye: __________ (I have yet to think of a word for such indescribable beauty.)

Balmoral: QUEEN! (again... haha.)

And today: LAST DAY OF CLASSES!! That's epic as well. I have three hours sitting between me and the next step in my path back home, and it is all World Literature. Ack. I think if the class had been more structured, it could have been cool. But alas... maybe next year it will be cool... haha.

There are a couple of other things of note. Justin has started his online Spanish I class, and he has been helping me brush up on ser/estar crap and verb conjugation. All the while, he's under the impression that I'm helping him... haha. [sidenote: I get to see him in 22 days!!] I have been hanging out with Jesse and Jeff a lot, and it has been great. It honestly took me this long to find two people that I feel as comfortable with as I do with the friends I have at home, and that makes me a little sad, because our time together as friends is about to end. But we are all from the same country, and in theory, that should make it easier for us to meet again. Right? Well... we're not all from the same part of the country... sigh. Haha.

Other than that, my plans for the future were slightly rocked one day earlier this week by the realization, after doing some reading on the Society of Toxicologists website, that I have to choose a concentration within toxicology. Besides forensic, I'm not sure what I want to do. I have been sporadically doing research, and these are the concentrations that sound vaguely interesting: chemical, environmental, genetic, drug and alcohol, xenobiotic metabolism, and solvent. But... I have to figure this out, because it could totally change the schools that I apply to, because some have some concentrations, and others have others... oh, man. And then I started thinking... maybe this isn't truly the path that I want to take at all? I have an idea, and I have started researching, but let's just say that it has less to do with figuring out why people are sick, and more to do with how to make them better. After I talk it through with some people, I'll update.

Well, this has been... random. But I should start mentally preparing for my last class, I guess. Sigh... But it's my LAST CLASS!! Whooo!! :)

I'll try to update soon after Edinburgh, before studying for finals takes over my life. Ha.

can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?

Well, I know it's been a while, and I don't have the time for a long post right now, but I'll give a little update. Since the last time I updated (not counting the wonderful Lady Antebellum song), I have been to Glamis Castle, the inside of Dunnottar Castle (finally!), and the beautiful Isle of Skye. Next weekend, Jesse, Jeff, and I are going to Edinburgh to celebrate the end of classes and the beginning of revision and exams (haha), and hopefully we will also be going to Balmoral Castle, maybe Glamis again, and Ben Nevis. We'll see. But for now, I'm just going to say that I am doing much better. I have some great friends here, and the combination of them and Justin's faith in me have gotten me through this semester. I only have 29 days left in this place. And I'm thrilled to finally be on the brink of returning to everything I love, but now I am realizing that it was a truly amazing experience to be here. And even in all of my pain and sadness, I think I made the most of it. It's been real, Scotland. But in 29 days, no offense, I'm not looking back. I have experienced the beauty that resides here, and that's been enough for me. Now I need to be with the ones I love. These last 29 days are going to fly, I just know it. And I'm ok with that. I'm ready.

"What I'd give, what I'd do: anything to get me home to you. And this time I'll stay."

-->Theory of a Deadman