Day 13: You Want to Scream, But You're Down To Your Last Breath.

It's late, and I'm exhausted. But I'm really feeling it today. The loneliness. It creeps in when I least expect it, and then it settles somewhere in my lungs, so that I can hardly breathe. I only want it to go away, but only one person can make that happen. And he's over it.

The hardest part is feeling alone in a group of people. That's the worst. And I feel it everyday.

The absolute worst part about it is that other people want to fix it. Some things can't be fixed. He has taught me that. Because I'm a fixer too, and he told me I had to come up with a new dream. I don't want other people to fix me. I want to be able to fix myself. And that's going to take time, because I have made so many mistakes. And since there's no undo button on life, I'm stuck with the path I've chosen. Even though it sucks.

"You keep on bringing out the best in me, and I need you now even more than the air I breathe. You make me laugh when I want to cry. This could last forever, I just know. So baby, hold on tight. Don't let go. Hold on to the love we're making, because baby, when the ground starts shaking, you've gotta know when you've got a good thing."

--> Lady Antebellum

Day 8: There You Go Making My Heart Beat Again.

So. I have failed slightly. There was a little issue this week, and I emailed him. Crap.

Here's the thing about that. I don't think it's affecting him like it's affecting me. I already know what's going to happen if I go over there today. I'll be back to where I was on Day 1... which was not good.

But the chances of following through on what I know? Not so good.

I have, however, made significant improvement on my goals from 5 days ago. I got (almost) all of my homework done this week, and what I didn't get done (just some reading) I was able to fake. Luckily for me. I didn't feel that horrible sinking feeling of sitting in class and not knowing what is going on because I'm behind. Which, my friends, is significant improvement over the first several weeks of school.

And, last night, I actually got some very important work done! On a Friday! I know, I'm impressed too. I made a list of for each grad school that I'm applying to of what still needs to be done for each application. So now I have 11 post-it notes stuck to the wall next to my desk telling me exactly what I need to do still. That helps, believe it or not. Haha. You can see that some schools have more left than others... haha.

So, as of right now, I'm ok. Not perfect, by any means, but ok. Everything sucks, don't get me wrong, but I'm working through it. I need to show that I'm a strong person. And I am. I am.

Later

I did go to visit him, against the advice of everyone I mentioned it to. And I'm still ok. I'm a little heartbroken all over again, but I guess what did I expect? Since he still has my heart, of course everytime I see him, he's going to rebreak it. It's different when he's cold and distant. It's easy to see how we fell apart then. But days like today, when he was pretty welcoming, and we were just sitting on his couch and talking, it's hard to understand how everything ended this way.

He has this incredible future ahead of him. When we were together, I always told him that he was the cool one in our relationship, because he works for the recording studio on campus and he's into music and what not. And I'm a chemistry major--what's cool about that? Apparently nothing, because I get a disgusted response every time I tell people who I've never met before what I'm majoring in. He was telling me today about some of the opportunities he might have at finding a day job next year in Nashville, so he can work at the recording studio nights and weekends. I'm so proud of him. That's part of the reason it's hard to let go as well.

In the last couple of days, I have realized something. I don't think there will ever come a day when I don't love him. He has so much of my heart that even if I am able to want to give it to someone else, I'm not sure I'll have it to give. And while this thought used to make me cry, it doesn't anymore. It sucks, that's for sure, but I'm accepting it. There's a good chance I'm going to have to be alone for a long time before I can even think about moving on. I tried jumping on to the "moving on" train already, and it left me in this completely messed-up state. So much of the time, I completely hate myself for letting this happen. I hate myself for thinking I could handle this world on my own.

I hate myself for knowing what I could have done so that we could have made it, and not having that option anymore.

Honestly, I hate myself for still loving him. Because that is the root of it all. But I'm always going to love him, and I know I can't hate myself forever.

So I put on a smile and I step out into the world each day. I try to wear clothes that don't remind me of him, and I try not to look in the mirror so that I don't have to see what I've become. I pretend I'm ok, because maybe one day, I won't be pretending anymore. One day.

Day 3: Take Me or Leave Me.

So, I'm just going to put it out there. I'm having a very hard time with this break-up. There's nothing else to it. I'm working on it, and I'm doing the best I can, but I finally knew I had to do something about it when my grades started to suffer. I did much worse than I intended on my first two tests of the year, and that's no way to start out a semester, let alone my penultimate undergraduate semester. So. I found a book at the library called "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken." One of their commandments was not having any contact that isn't necessary for 60 days.

First response: Holy shit. Like that's going to happen. He was the one I told everything to, and now I can't talk to him at all for two months?

Realization: I don't want to stay miserable. And I don't want to keep making him feel miserable.

After a very rough final "meeting" last Friday, the 60 days began. Hence the "Day 3" in the blog title.

I thought if I wrote it out, I could chronicle my process. I have found out that people actually still read this (thanks!), so as long as someone can get a laugh out of this, maybe these two months won't be so bad.

First things first: I need to get my life back on track. I did so well in Scotland, homework-wise. Why? Because I focused when I needed to so I could do other things when I wanted to. Sounds simple, right? Yeah, not so simple. I am very rarely motivated, which is something I need to change about myself. So starting tonight, I am going to be a focused person. Or, at least I'm going to try. So what do I have to do? I have to catch up, that's what! I'm behind in biochem, bio, and lit. Blah! That's what last weekend was supposed to be for, but then Friday happened, and I sat on the couch and watched a lot of Big Bang Theory over the weekend instead. So! I need to catch up on my work, and then get my grades up. Then, once I'm caught up, I need to get my graduate school applications in, so I have one less thing hanging over my head. That's the plan, anyway...

What else do I need to do?

• I need to start thinking about getting myself together. How could I even think of someone else loving me when I don't have the best relationship with myself? My thoughts, as of late, have been more along the lines of "I hate my life"... and that's no good. So I made myself a break up playlist on my iTunes. There's a lot of Taylor, Avril, Kelly, and Carrie. Haha.
• He told me I need to come up with a new dream for my future. So I'm working on that. I thought I had over the summer, and I faked it into the fall for a while. But what I saw, from the time I left DC and gave it some serious thought, until, well, now, was him and Nashville. I can't fake it or lie about it anymore. But I am trying to change it. I'm trying to make a decision for myself, which I very rarely do.
• I am also learning a lot about myself in this process. I found a brochure while I was at the counseling center about Adult Children of Alcoholics, which I didn't know was a thing. And I'm learning about why I am the way I am. I know why I'm guarded now, and I know why I hate conflict, and yelling makes me run out the door. I know why I don't like change, and why I try so hard to project that I'm ok and everything is ok when everything is actually falling apart. And while none of this is happy, it's useful to me to know myself. If I understand my personality, maybe I have a chance of finding someone who wants to share my life with me.
• I found my surrogate big brother in my roommate's fiance. And it's nice to know that someone would be willing to fight for my happiness, and compliment me without an ulterior motive.
• I need to be someone that another person would actually want to be with. Which means I should probably spend a little less time in front of the TV watching anti-social physicists try to figure out life, huh? Sometimes I watch Glee too, for the record. Although, I'm no longer in high school and I can't sing, so that's not furthering my cause either, I guess...
• I cry. All the time. I'm not afraid to admit it anymore, because it doesn't make me feel weak anymore. It means I'm human, and I'm devastated. If I don't let myself feel this pain, I'll never be able to move past it.
• Most importantly, I have realized the truth in this statement: My life isn't ending, even though my love has to end. Sometimes, I find myself still not believing it. I have weak moments where I truly feel like there's nothing left to live for, that this degree I'm trying to get has no meaning, that applying to grad schools is pointless. But those are moments. They are not the over-arching feeling anymore.

One step at a time. I'm not hoping to miraculously be ok tomorrow. I'm just hoping to feel better for a little longer tomorrow. I'm hoping that I can look at my life in a positive light. I'm hoping to stay awake while I read biochem. Oh wait, maybe I am hoping for a miracle in that last statement... haha.

Finally, for the final part of my blog title, here's Rent:

"Take me for what I am, who I was meant to be. And if you give a damn, take me, baby, or leave me."

It's on my feel-good, breakup playlist. :)

we're one, but we're not the same.

I just did a little facebook stalking, and I came across a guy who was in a lab that I TA-ed my sophomore year here at Hope. I saw on his page that he was newly single, and then his ex had posted a link to her blog as a comment. Now, I don't know her at all, but he had commented after the link that he didn't want to get any comments on the change of relationship status unless people read the blog and understood the situation. Curiosity got the better of me on this one... so I clicked on the link.

First, I have to say that the girl was a very talented writer. I was impressed. But, after reading the post in its entirety, what I was most taken with was the fact that she and her ex are still best friends. They still hang out, they still have their inside jokes and their fun. But they are no longer together. It is amazing to me, because I could have never done that.

It wasn't for lack of trying. But the kind of love that I felt couldn't be translated into a friendship. At least not right away. I don't know what's going to happen. But it amazes me that people can be so sure of themselves in such situations.

I'm never sure of myself.

There, I said it. I never know if I'm doing the right thing. How can anyone know? I've been struggling a lot with many things in my life. If there was anything I would like people to know, it's that while depression is real, it doesn't happen like in the commercials. The colors of the world don't disappear, and I don't stay curled up in a ball on the couch in sweats. But that doesn't mean I'm happy. Happiness, I have found, can be faked much easier than I would like to believe. Faking it has led me to be exhausted by the time I get done with my classes, and then my homework falls by the wayside. Is this a terrible problem? Oh, hell, yes. I'm taking difficult classes, and chemistry is not something that comes easy for me. I have to work really hard, and so far, that's been almost impossible. I can't concentrate on anything except faking being happy.

I'm well aware of how unhealthy this is. Trust me. And I'm working on it. I wear bright colors everyday to try to ward off the unhappiness. I try to surround myself with happy people. I always have Glee playing on my ipod. And while I don't know if any of that is helping, I know it could be much worse.

The things I miss are not the things I thought I would miss. I miss sitting next to him while I do my homework. I miss falling asleep with my head resting on his leg while he plays video games. I miss walking through the campus holding his hand. I miss being able to tell him every little thing that goes on in my day, and getting to hear about his day too. I miss the way he would look at me. It's all gone, and I haven't decided if that's for the better or not. Like I said, I'm never sure of myself.

I may be floundering, but I don't feel as hopeless as I have been feeling recently. I'm still not sure which way is up, but at least I can breathe for the time being. Love is fickle. I don't have an answer, as much as my type-a personality wishes I did. I'm still me, but I've changed. I'm a work in progress.

"What do you say to taking chances? What do you say to jumping off the edge? Never knowing if there's solid ground below, or a hand to hold, or hell to pay. What do you say?"

one love, one life.

"One" by U2 (and redone by the cast of Glee)

Is it getting better?

Or do you feel the same?

Will it make it easier on you now?

You've got someone to blame.

You say one love, one life,

When it's one need in the night.

One love, we get to share it

Leaves you, baby, if you don't care for it.

Did I disappoint you?

Or leave a bad taste in your mouth?

You act like you never had love,

and you want me to go without.

Well it's too late tonight

To drag the past out into the light.

We're one, but we're not the same.

We get to carry each other,

Carry each other.

One.

Have you come here for forgiveness?

Have you come to raise the dead?

Have you come here to play Jesus

To the lepers in your head?

Well, did I ask too much?

More than a lot?

You gave me nothing,

Now it's all I've got.

We're one, but we're not the same.

We get to hurt each other,

now we'll do it again.

You say love is a temple.

Love is the higher law.

Love is a temple.

Love is the higher law.

You ask for me to enter,

but then you make me crawl.

I can't keep holding on

To what you've got

When all you've got is hurt.

One love, one blood.

One life, you've got to do what you should.

One life with each other,

Sisters and my brothers.

One life, but we're not the same.

We get to carry each other,

Carry each other.

One.

i write so i can breathe.

I've been writing a short story.

Usually, I don't get inspired to write during the semesters. I have too much work, my brain is too full. But right now, my heart is too full not to write. So I'm writing. I don't think anyone will read it, but I'm writing it nonetheless. That's all that matters.

It's true. That's why I have to write it. Because I have to somehow get my feelings out so that I can keep moving forward. So I can keep breathing.

I've been struggling, but I'll be ok. On the other side of this, everything will be all right. Maybe not sunshine and rainbows, but that's fine. I don't need that. I just need to be ok again. And I'm working on that.

One day, all of this pain will be a distant memory. I'm looking forward to that day more than anything else.

you're my inspiration as i stand alone against the world.

"Flash forward, and we're taking on the world together. There's a drawer of my things at your place. You learn my secrets, and you figure out why I'm guarded. You say we'll never make my parents mistakes. We've got bills to pay. We've got nothing figured out. When it was hard to take, yes, yes, this is what I thought about: Do you remember? We were sitting there by the water. You put your arm around me for the first time. You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter. You are the best thing that's ever been mine. Do you remember all the city lights on the water? You saw me start to believe for the first time. You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter. You are the best thing that's ever been mine."

--> Taylor Swift, "Mine"

For once, this is not going to be about me. This is about inspiration that I found in my biology class. Somehow, I know everything is going to be ok now. It's probably poor logic, but hearing this from someone else suddenly makes my life seem ok. If they can make it, whatever happens to me is waht is supposed to happen. I guess I just need to keep telling myself that.

I walked into biology class today, and there was a guy talking about organic chemistry. So I listened, but I didn't say anything until he was done (at which point I pointed out that the professor also confused ethers and esters, but that's besides the point). Then I asked him, "why are you in this freshmen biology class if you have clearly taken upper-level chemistry courses?" And this is what he told me:

He graduated from Hope in 2007 with a degree in physics. His wife also graduated from Hope with a double major in Spanish and Sociology. For whatever reason, they both decided to go back to school. So he is taking classes in order to take the MCAT in April, and she is going for nursing. They both work full-time jobs. He said he basically goes for 15 hours a day, and in the evenings and on the weekends, he sleeps and spends time with his wife. But they are making it. He wears his wedding band. And I want that.

I want to be able to know that whoever I end up with will make sure we make it all work out. This feeling of hopelessness, this empty pit in my stomach, it only makes me want this kind of a life more. You might be thinking, why would you want that? It sounds terrible and lonely and the complete opposite of ideal. Yes, but that's the point. If a couple can be together during those times, then when everything is working out, they will be perfect. I want perfection. And I know who I want it with.

The problem is that I'm not sure how it's all going to work out. I have always had the mantra "If one person loves you, stick with them, because you may not find anyone else. So why risk it?" I got laughed at for this the other day. Apparently, my life is full of options. But there's only one option that I want, and it may be slipping away. I can feel myself starting to fade. I'm blurring at the edges. And I don't know how to fix it, because I can't on my own. This time, I have no control. It's out of my hands. And that's the hardest thing to come to terms with.

"I hope you can hear me. I remember it clearly: the day you slipped away."
-->Avril Lavigne, "Slipped Away"

"I'm all in, nothing left to hide. I'm falling, harder than a landslide. I spent a week away from you last night. And now I'm calling, calling out your name. Even if I lose the game, I'm all in, I'm all in tonight. Yeah, I'm all in, I'm all in for life>"
-->Lifehouse, "All In"