Day 15: The Truth About Forever

Do you want to know the truth about forever?

It doesn't exist. There is no forever. There's only as long as it lasts, and that's never enough.

I have been periodically sending emails, because I miss us. It's that simple. I can't seem to let go, because he is and always will be my other half. I was getting frustrated, because he wasn't answering any of them. Now I know why.

He's been cold and indifferent. I thought that these two months apart would be enough to show him that maybe he should give me another chance. But no. Instead, he took my openness and vulnerability and slammed it repeatedly in a heavy fire-escape door. Yeah, consider that imagery. I gave him everything I had, and he doesn't care. He doesn't give a damn about what I have to say, and he is treating me like I'm this nobody who he doesn't know or care to know. That, my friends, was supposed to be forever.

I'm not innocent, I know that. I caused the snowball to start rolling down the hill. But if he had listened to me, I could have stopped it. We weren't perfect, but love isn't supposed to be perfect. We were real, and that's all that I cared about. Now we're nothing.

And what's left of me in all of this? Nothing. I'm a shell of a person, who is becoming cold and indifferent. That's what happens when your other half is acting that way. Two halves will always make a whole. And I'm lying. That's the other thing about the truth: there isn't any.

"Truth be told, I'm lying."

--> All-American Rejects, "Gives You Hell"

I can tell that I am lying all the time. But I don't know it when it's happening. And I don't know what the truth is anymore. He was my truth, because all of this is sounding a little too familiar. This is exactly what I was like freshman year here. I looked like I had it all together when I really had nothing at all. And then someone came along and showed me that I was special, that I was different, and that I was worth loving after all. That was my truth. But he took it back. And when you take back the truth, what's left? Smoke and mirrors. Lies. Illusions. Nothing.

Forever doesn't mean anything. And if someone tells you that, you have to assume they haven't thought it through. Because if a love was truly going to last forever, a little bump in the road wouldn't derail it. If he really loved me, he would have fought for me. Clearly my truth hasn't been real at all. So what am I, then? If I'm not worth loving, then what is the point of all this?

This is my new truth. I have 45 days to get my shit together, and then another 5 or so months to keep it together before I can be free of the memories that are haunting me in this place. And I will keep lying, because self-perseverance is the most important thing, right? That's what he's telling me. And if he's my truth, then I have to believe it. Right?

Well, no one will ever know, because if you ask me, I'll probably lie.

Day 13: You Want to Scream, But You're Down To Your Last Breath.

It's late, and I'm exhausted. But I'm really feeling it today. The loneliness. It creeps in when I least expect it, and then it settles somewhere in my lungs, so that I can hardly breathe. I only want it to go away, but only one person can make that happen. And he's over it.

The hardest part is feeling alone in a group of people. That's the worst. And I feel it everyday.

The absolute worst part about it is that other people want to fix it. Some things can't be fixed. He has taught me that. Because I'm a fixer too, and he told me I had to come up with a new dream. I don't want other people to fix me. I want to be able to fix myself. And that's going to take time, because I have made so many mistakes. And since there's no undo button on life, I'm stuck with the path I've chosen. Even though it sucks.

"You keep on bringing out the best in me, and I need you now even more than the air I breathe. You make me laugh when I want to cry. This could last forever, I just know. So baby, hold on tight. Don't let go. Hold on to the love we're making, because baby, when the ground starts shaking, you've gotta know when you've got a good thing."

--> Lady Antebellum

Day 8: There You Go Making My Heart Beat Again.

So. I have failed slightly. There was a little issue this week, and I emailed him. Crap.

Here's the thing about that. I don't think it's affecting him like it's affecting me. I already know what's going to happen if I go over there today. I'll be back to where I was on Day 1... which was not good.

But the chances of following through on what I know? Not so good.

I have, however, made significant improvement on my goals from 5 days ago. I got (almost) all of my homework done this week, and what I didn't get done (just some reading) I was able to fake. Luckily for me. I didn't feel that horrible sinking feeling of sitting in class and not knowing what is going on because I'm behind. Which, my friends, is significant improvement over the first several weeks of school.

And, last night, I actually got some very important work done! On a Friday! I know, I'm impressed too. I made a list of for each grad school that I'm applying to of what still needs to be done for each application. So now I have 11 post-it notes stuck to the wall next to my desk telling me exactly what I need to do still. That helps, believe it or not. Haha. You can see that some schools have more left than others... haha.

So, as of right now, I'm ok. Not perfect, by any means, but ok. Everything sucks, don't get me wrong, but I'm working through it. I need to show that I'm a strong person. And I am. I am.

Later

I did go to visit him, against the advice of everyone I mentioned it to. And I'm still ok. I'm a little heartbroken all over again, but I guess what did I expect? Since he still has my heart, of course everytime I see him, he's going to rebreak it. It's different when he's cold and distant. It's easy to see how we fell apart then. But days like today, when he was pretty welcoming, and we were just sitting on his couch and talking, it's hard to understand how everything ended this way.

He has this incredible future ahead of him. When we were together, I always told him that he was the cool one in our relationship, because he works for the recording studio on campus and he's into music and what not. And I'm a chemistry major--what's cool about that? Apparently nothing, because I get a disgusted response every time I tell people who I've never met before what I'm majoring in. He was telling me today about some of the opportunities he might have at finding a day job next year in Nashville, so he can work at the recording studio nights and weekends. I'm so proud of him. That's part of the reason it's hard to let go as well.

In the last couple of days, I have realized something. I don't think there will ever come a day when I don't love him. He has so much of my heart that even if I am able to want to give it to someone else, I'm not sure I'll have it to give. And while this thought used to make me cry, it doesn't anymore. It sucks, that's for sure, but I'm accepting it. There's a good chance I'm going to have to be alone for a long time before I can even think about moving on. I tried jumping on to the "moving on" train already, and it left me in this completely messed-up state. So much of the time, I completely hate myself for letting this happen. I hate myself for thinking I could handle this world on my own.

I hate myself for knowing what I could have done so that we could have made it, and not having that option anymore.

Honestly, I hate myself for still loving him. Because that is the root of it all. But I'm always going to love him, and I know I can't hate myself forever.

So I put on a smile and I step out into the world each day. I try to wear clothes that don't remind me of him, and I try not to look in the mirror so that I don't have to see what I've become. I pretend I'm ok, because maybe one day, I won't be pretending anymore. One day.

Day 3: Take Me or Leave Me.

So, I'm just going to put it out there. I'm having a very hard time with this break-up. There's nothing else to it. I'm working on it, and I'm doing the best I can, but I finally knew I had to do something about it when my grades started to suffer. I did much worse than I intended on my first two tests of the year, and that's no way to start out a semester, let alone my penultimate undergraduate semester. So. I found a book at the library called "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken." One of their commandments was not having any contact that isn't necessary for 60 days.

First response: Holy shit. Like that's going to happen. He was the one I told everything to, and now I can't talk to him at all for two months?

Realization: I don't want to stay miserable. And I don't want to keep making him feel miserable.

After a very rough final "meeting" last Friday, the 60 days began. Hence the "Day 3" in the blog title.

I thought if I wrote it out, I could chronicle my process. I have found out that people actually still read this (thanks!), so as long as someone can get a laugh out of this, maybe these two months won't be so bad.

First things first: I need to get my life back on track. I did so well in Scotland, homework-wise. Why? Because I focused when I needed to so I could do other things when I wanted to. Sounds simple, right? Yeah, not so simple. I am very rarely motivated, which is something I need to change about myself. So starting tonight, I am going to be a focused person. Or, at least I'm going to try. So what do I have to do? I have to catch up, that's what! I'm behind in biochem, bio, and lit. Blah! That's what last weekend was supposed to be for, but then Friday happened, and I sat on the couch and watched a lot of Big Bang Theory over the weekend instead. So! I need to catch up on my work, and then get my grades up. Then, once I'm caught up, I need to get my graduate school applications in, so I have one less thing hanging over my head. That's the plan, anyway...

What else do I need to do?

• I need to start thinking about getting myself together. How could I even think of someone else loving me when I don't have the best relationship with myself? My thoughts, as of late, have been more along the lines of "I hate my life"... and that's no good. So I made myself a break up playlist on my iTunes. There's a lot of Taylor, Avril, Kelly, and Carrie. Haha.
• He told me I need to come up with a new dream for my future. So I'm working on that. I thought I had over the summer, and I faked it into the fall for a while. But what I saw, from the time I left DC and gave it some serious thought, until, well, now, was him and Nashville. I can't fake it or lie about it anymore. But I am trying to change it. I'm trying to make a decision for myself, which I very rarely do.
• I am also learning a lot about myself in this process. I found a brochure while I was at the counseling center about Adult Children of Alcoholics, which I didn't know was a thing. And I'm learning about why I am the way I am. I know why I'm guarded now, and I know why I hate conflict, and yelling makes me run out the door. I know why I don't like change, and why I try so hard to project that I'm ok and everything is ok when everything is actually falling apart. And while none of this is happy, it's useful to me to know myself. If I understand my personality, maybe I have a chance of finding someone who wants to share my life with me.
• I found my surrogate big brother in my roommate's fiance. And it's nice to know that someone would be willing to fight for my happiness, and compliment me without an ulterior motive.
• I need to be someone that another person would actually want to be with. Which means I should probably spend a little less time in front of the TV watching anti-social physicists try to figure out life, huh? Sometimes I watch Glee too, for the record. Although, I'm no longer in high school and I can't sing, so that's not furthering my cause either, I guess...
• I cry. All the time. I'm not afraid to admit it anymore, because it doesn't make me feel weak anymore. It means I'm human, and I'm devastated. If I don't let myself feel this pain, I'll never be able to move past it.
• Most importantly, I have realized the truth in this statement: My life isn't ending, even though my love has to end. Sometimes, I find myself still not believing it. I have weak moments where I truly feel like there's nothing left to live for, that this degree I'm trying to get has no meaning, that applying to grad schools is pointless. But those are moments. They are not the over-arching feeling anymore.

One step at a time. I'm not hoping to miraculously be ok tomorrow. I'm just hoping to feel better for a little longer tomorrow. I'm hoping that I can look at my life in a positive light. I'm hoping to stay awake while I read biochem. Oh wait, maybe I am hoping for a miracle in that last statement... haha.

Finally, for the final part of my blog title, here's Rent:

"Take me for what I am, who I was meant to be. And if you give a damn, take me, baby, or leave me."

It's on my feel-good, breakup playlist. :)

we're one, but we're not the same.

I just did a little facebook stalking, and I came across a guy who was in a lab that I TA-ed my sophomore year here at Hope. I saw on his page that he was newly single, and then his ex had posted a link to her blog as a comment. Now, I don't know her at all, but he had commented after the link that he didn't want to get any comments on the change of relationship status unless people read the blog and understood the situation. Curiosity got the better of me on this one... so I clicked on the link.

First, I have to say that the girl was a very talented writer. I was impressed. But, after reading the post in its entirety, what I was most taken with was the fact that she and her ex are still best friends. They still hang out, they still have their inside jokes and their fun. But they are no longer together. It is amazing to me, because I could have never done that.

It wasn't for lack of trying. But the kind of love that I felt couldn't be translated into a friendship. At least not right away. I don't know what's going to happen. But it amazes me that people can be so sure of themselves in such situations.

I'm never sure of myself.

There, I said it. I never know if I'm doing the right thing. How can anyone know? I've been struggling a lot with many things in my life. If there was anything I would like people to know, it's that while depression is real, it doesn't happen like in the commercials. The colors of the world don't disappear, and I don't stay curled up in a ball on the couch in sweats. But that doesn't mean I'm happy. Happiness, I have found, can be faked much easier than I would like to believe. Faking it has led me to be exhausted by the time I get done with my classes, and then my homework falls by the wayside. Is this a terrible problem? Oh, hell, yes. I'm taking difficult classes, and chemistry is not something that comes easy for me. I have to work really hard, and so far, that's been almost impossible. I can't concentrate on anything except faking being happy.

I'm well aware of how unhealthy this is. Trust me. And I'm working on it. I wear bright colors everyday to try to ward off the unhappiness. I try to surround myself with happy people. I always have Glee playing on my ipod. And while I don't know if any of that is helping, I know it could be much worse.

The things I miss are not the things I thought I would miss. I miss sitting next to him while I do my homework. I miss falling asleep with my head resting on his leg while he plays video games. I miss walking through the campus holding his hand. I miss being able to tell him every little thing that goes on in my day, and getting to hear about his day too. I miss the way he would look at me. It's all gone, and I haven't decided if that's for the better or not. Like I said, I'm never sure of myself.

I may be floundering, but I don't feel as hopeless as I have been feeling recently. I'm still not sure which way is up, but at least I can breathe for the time being. Love is fickle. I don't have an answer, as much as my type-a personality wishes I did. I'm still me, but I've changed. I'm a work in progress.

"What do you say to taking chances? What do you say to jumping off the edge? Never knowing if there's solid ground below, or a hand to hold, or hell to pay. What do you say?"

one love, one life.

"One" by U2 (and redone by the cast of Glee)

Is it getting better?

Or do you feel the same?

Will it make it easier on you now?

You've got someone to blame.

You say one love, one life,

When it's one need in the night.

One love, we get to share it

Leaves you, baby, if you don't care for it.

Did I disappoint you?

Or leave a bad taste in your mouth?

You act like you never had love,

and you want me to go without.

Well it's too late tonight

To drag the past out into the light.

We're one, but we're not the same.

We get to carry each other,

Carry each other.

One.

Have you come here for forgiveness?

Have you come to raise the dead?

Have you come here to play Jesus

To the lepers in your head?

Well, did I ask too much?

More than a lot?

You gave me nothing,

Now it's all I've got.

We're one, but we're not the same.

We get to hurt each other,

now we'll do it again.

You say love is a temple.

Love is the higher law.

Love is a temple.

Love is the higher law.

You ask for me to enter,

but then you make me crawl.

I can't keep holding on

To what you've got

When all you've got is hurt.

One love, one blood.

One life, you've got to do what you should.

One life with each other,

Sisters and my brothers.

One life, but we're not the same.

We get to carry each other,

Carry each other.

One.

i write so i can breathe.

I've been writing a short story.

Usually, I don't get inspired to write during the semesters. I have too much work, my brain is too full. But right now, my heart is too full not to write. So I'm writing. I don't think anyone will read it, but I'm writing it nonetheless. That's all that matters.

It's true. That's why I have to write it. Because I have to somehow get my feelings out so that I can keep moving forward. So I can keep breathing.

I've been struggling, but I'll be ok. On the other side of this, everything will be all right. Maybe not sunshine and rainbows, but that's fine. I don't need that. I just need to be ok again. And I'm working on that.

One day, all of this pain will be a distant memory. I'm looking forward to that day more than anything else.