ignite the light.

"Do you ever feel already buried deep? Six feet under, screams, and no one seems to hear a thing. Did you know that there's still a chance for you? That there's a spark in you? You've just got to ignite the light, and let it shine. Just own the night like the 4th of July. Because, baby, you're a firework."

--> Katy Perry, "Firework"

These last several weeks have been some of the most happy of my life. Which is strange, because two things have happened that I shouldn't be happy about. First, I gave into spontaneity, which I never in my life thought I would do. And second, I've realized that I have never truly been respected in my life. And somehow, I'm happier now than I've ever been.

All of this started with (you guessed it): my bucket list. One of my roommates made it her goal to help me accomplish some of the items before graduation: go to a college party, learn the rules of basketball, go to Parrot's and the BOB, let people touch me. And those are just the ones that have already been accomplished. And in doing this, I have met some really wonderful people. People who look at me and don't see what needs to be changed and fixed. People who see me for exactly who I am. Even if I don't really know who that person is yet.

I would have never met these people if I hadn't given into the spontaneity. That first night I met the one guy who has made me rethink so many relationships in my life, I had a plan. I was going to do homework, and get a ton of things done that night. Instead, we watched the Princess Bride, and I got absolutely nothing done. And the rest is history, because that night was like the first domino in the row that is my life, the row that I had been protecting with everything that I have. I didn't want it to knock into the other ones, because that's the unknown. That's the place I didn't want to go to, because I didn't know where it would lead. I see where it's going now: to exactly where I need to be.

And, I would have never come to the realization that my friends have been terrible to me if I hadn't started talking. I've always said meaningless things in conversation with people. In the end, they think they know me, but they really only know the parts of me that I felt it was ok to share. Not anymore. I've been letting things out, slowly but surely. Like the drip of a leaky faucet. My ex's beliefs that smothered me. His roommate's strong opinions that bruised me. My family's harsh words that scuffed me. My friends' cruel jokes that broke me. And these people, these wonderful people, they look at me like I'm... damaged. Ha. I guess I am damaged.

Where were these people the first 7 semesters I was at Hope? Oh, they were here. I just didn't allow our paths to cross in a meaningful way. I used to have the tendency to avoid good people. I was attracted to the controllers, the people who were also damaged and needed a scapegoat. Scapegoat is a role I play well. Why? Because I'm an Adult Child of an Alcoholic, and that's what we do.

Getting to know these people now has been the biggest blessing in my life. I'm tearing up writing this, because I had no idea what I was missing. Not to say that these people who have been injuring my self-esteem and my pride all these years don't care about me. In their own way, I'm sure they do. But I don't want to be controlled anymore. I don't want to be the scapegoat anymore. I'm ready to do more with my life, to be someone else. Well, I think I'm ready. I hope I'm ready.

Specifically, there is one thing that will fuel this change in me. The guy I mentioned? The one who is making me rethink things? He gets this look in his eye when I say something he doesn't think is right, or fair, or... something. I guess I'm not really sure. It's sort of pity, like "oh, gosh, look at that poor damaged girl..." But I see more in it. I see the tiniest spark of anger. Maybe I'm entirely wrong, and it's really all pity. But what I see is anger at injustice. That one look, given to me several times tonight alone, is starting to make me think I might deserve better. Do I deserve better?

I've been battered, but never broken. I've cried more tears than I care to count, but I smile more. I am a damaged person, but there's hope for me. I've got to ignite the light. I've got to stand up for myself. I have to dance in public, like I did for the first time in 3 years last night. I have to sing, like my high school friend told me not to do, because I was bad at it. I have to play Settlers of Catan, because my ex's roommate told me I was too dumb to learn how. But most importantly, I need to be someone other than just another Adult Child of an Alcoholic. I need to heal. I need to own the night.

"This may not be my town, but it will do for now, until I can figure out who I am and where I'm going. She's slinging eggs and bacon with a college education, but her life's out there waiting for a better plan. She's ok not knowing. She's young, and the world's wide open."

--> Jason Aldean, "Wide Open"

"All she's ever felt is held back. She said, 'It's kind of nice to hear myself laugh.' She's gonna do a lot more of that. She's making plans and making tracks. She said, 'Oh, I've gotta go and find me.' Oh, she found the strength to break free."

--> Rascal Flatts, "No Reins"