so much unfulfillment.

Summers have always been very interesting times in my life.

Things usually go awry. I can't ever seem to keep things constant, since summer to a student is a time of inconsistency. Let's think about my summers while in college.

• The summer before I started college, I was working full time at the casino, and becoming addicted to second-hand smoke. I never saw my friends, I worked my life away, and I held on to a relationship that was going nowhere. Not a good start.
• The summer after freshman year, I took two classes during June. I was working all the time at the Pottery, was constantly stressed, and made myself sick. I stopped eating, and lost a ton of weight. Not a good continuation.
• The summer after sophomore year, I was supposed to be doing research, but that fell through. So I just worked odd jobs, lived in Holland with Justin, and caused trouble in my relationship. An even worse continuation.
• Last summer... oh, I don't even want to go there. I was in DC after spending a semester in Scotland. I missed what I had left behind, so I threw the remainder away. I ruined my relationship, I made a futile attempt to start a new one, and I just... died inside. What a terrible ending.

And now... here we are. Another summer, another set of screw ups waiting to happen. What's this summer going to bring? I'm not sure. But it's already starting out on a low note.

There is a lot of drama going on between two of my friends... sort of. Girl friend is in love with guy friend. Guy friend has an actual girlfriend. Girl friend is convinced that guy friend is going to break up with his girlfriend to be with her. See where this is going? Complicated.

And where does that leave me? In the middle. Caught between girl friend who has been awful to me lately, because she is possessive of guy friend, and guy friend himself, who is awesome. I've been trying to disregard my own feelings, because they are completely irrelevant to everyone. Sometimes, I feel like it's me who is completely irrelevant to everyone...

What am I supposed to do? I don't want to tell girl friend that she's killing me by talking about the possibility of her dating guy friend. What I want to do is talk to guy friend about girl friend's behavior, and his feelings toward his actual girlfriend. But girl friend would flip shit if she heard that. I'm caught. And I'm sad. And I'm exhausted. And I want a hug, specifically a hug from guy friend, because he gives the best ones.

Well, have I confused everyone yet? Haha.

I have to get back to work. As the title of this post indicates... so much unfulfillment...