drama llama glama.

"if you would get to know me, maybe you would love me. i'm so ordinary."
--> saving jane, "ordinary"

"i've been wicked and wild and wrong, and i've wondered the price of my shame. i've been hiding my face for so long, it's a wonder that you know my name. you say, come home. you say, i'm here. you say, there's some things you just can't control. you say, let me. you say, believe. why do you search for the answers you already know?"
--> saving jane, "you say"

sometimes i'm weird. sometimes i'm moody. sometimes i'm oversensitive. sometimes my heart and my head don't agree. this is one of those times. my head and my heart are waging a war against each other, and i have no idea what the outcome is going to be.

"those blue eyes i'm in love with, or that highway? whichever i pick, there'll be regrets."
--> jason aldean, "keep the girl"

i listened to almost every saving jane song on youtube this morning looking for "you say." i didn't know what it was called, but i knew i would recognize it when i heard it. one of my friends played it one night last week. and i needed to find it.

i'm trying to come to terms with my feelings. another friend of mine told me that i still acted like a girl. in order to be a woman, i needed to find a grace and elegance inside of me that captured all that was attractive to men. it sounds simple, right? i'm a college graduate now, i should be able to be graceful and elegant. but there have been situations lately that have led me back to the path of immaturity. i'm trying to handle everything in an adult fashion. i'm not making any rash decisions, i'm not doing anything stupid. but that doesn't change the fact that i'm in a situation that is significantly less than desirable.

i've been falling for this guy for a little over a month. i met him on april fool's day... ironic, right? maybe it doesn't count as meeting him, because i knew who he was before that. i thought that i was doing everything right, given the circumstances. i mean, i didn't pursue him, for several reasons. two of them stand out as significant to me: he has a girlfriend, and we were going to graduate in a month. what's the point of starting something at that point in your undergraduate career? right?

well, that doesn't change how i feel.

i spent a lot of time with him, and my friends, and his friends. it was the perfect way to end a semester, a year, a college career. i figured it would just be a goodbye. and it maybe could have been that way. it was one of the most difficult goodbyes in my life, because he gave me one of the best hugs i've probably ever had. and i don't even like hugs. but it wasn't over. no, i couldn't just tie everything in a little bow. that would be too simple.

he and a good friend of mine broke my heart. they forced me to come to terms with my feelings by putting theirs for each other out there. and what am i supposed to do? since i never said anything, i have no right to be upset, as far as they are concerned. but it's messy. he still has a girlfriend, as far as i'm aware. she is still tangled up with an ex-boyfriend, whom i'm pretty sure she's supposed to marry. and then there's me. friends with both of them, waiting for the explosion, or implosion. it's either going to be them or me. them or me.

"even when the flood gates swing wide open, never let the current take you down, no. even when you're not sure where you're going. swimming through a mess, and you can't get out. just going through the motions, and trying not to drown. play on, when you're losing the game. play on, because you're gonna make mistakes. it's always worth the sacrifice, even when you think you're wrong. so play on."
--> carrie underwood, "play on"

i'm always going to put them first, because even though i can now admit to my feelings, i still don't want to deal with them. that's immature, my friend told me. but why say anything to either of them? why complicate things even more? why not pretend that i'm happy if they are happy?

i'm torn between what's right and what i feel. because why would i want to be with him, anyway? there are so many reasons why it would be worse if i told him how i feel. so so so many reasons.

so what am i going to do? i'm going to help him figure out what to do about graduate school. i'm going to help her figure out what to do about the two boys chasing after her. and i'm going to pretend i'm feeling nothing. because my philosophy in life is fake it until you make it.

and man, will i be faking it.