i feel myself regressing. back to where i was in the fall. back to when i wasn't sure the day to day was worth the pain. back to when i didn't have so many people to lean on, to when i got through each day by planning out what i was going to watch on tv that night. i was a recluse. and i am feeling that way yet again. only this time, i can feel it coming. this time, i have a huge support system behind me.
the problem here is that my support system is 700+ miles away. north, way north, on the other side of a "mountain" range and the mason-dixon line. words are all right. they are comforting for the time being. emails from friends, texts, chats - they help me get by, because i know i'm not alone. however... it's not enough.
i need to see people's faces. everyone keeps saying "let's talk tomorrow," and then tomorrow comes and goes with the promise of talking tomorrow. i wish people could see what i know about life. sometimes there are no tomorrows. we're not promised a tomorrow. i've been on that borderline. i've flirted with not wanting a tomorrow. i want it now, and i can see that i'm falling, yet again, into the hole where the tomorrows all blur together into darkness. i don't want it to happen, but the thing about holes is that i don't have a choice. gravity happens. i am so often the victim of gravity.
i hate this. it is coming at the tail end of a perfect summer. i don't have time to feel this way. i have too much to do. i have homework to do and papers to read and insurance to buy and license plates to transfer and a life to live. but none of that matters, once i begin approaching the hole. all i can do is stand there, and stare into the darkness. i'm immobile. i can't concentrate. all i ever think about is how alone i feel, and how much better it would be if i could just go to sleep and not think about it anymore.
everything about this place is perfect except for me. everyone here is upbeat and ready to begin, and they think i am too. but they have no idea, because they don't know me. i wish the summer could have gone on forever. the summer where people saw me and accepted who i was. i never felt pressured or like i wasn't good enough. i only felt love. and family.
my favorite scene in the movie "miracle" is an obscure one. i'm sure most people would point to the game where they beat the soviets, or the locker room speech, or the drill they repeated until eruzione says he plays for the united states, and not boston university. but my favorite is none of those scenes. my favorite comes a little over halfway through the movie. herb brooks brought in the all-star from the university of minnesota, and he's meshing well with the team and scoring a lot and being awesome, basically. but the other guys don't like it. four brave souls pull brooks aside and try to explain it to him. one guy says it's crazy how late harrier was brought in. the others sputter, not sure what to say to their hard-ass of a coach. but then mark johnson, the starting center, says they are a family. and that is what convinces brooks to, once again, let harrier go. because the team who eventually goes on to win the gold medal considers themselves a family.
this summer, i acquired another family. a lab family. a family of scientists, colleagues, and friends. this family has a hold on my heart in a way that i can't quite explain. but without them, i'm floundering. it seems a bit ridiculous, i'm sure. i knew them for 10 weeks. you can't make a family in 10 weeks.
yes, you can. i did. after the roller coaster of a year i had, this summer meant stability. i knew exactly who i was going to encounter when i walked into the lab in the morning. i knew that they would have my back, laugh at my jokes, hug me if i needed it and smack me if i deserved it. i've always been one to get tired of being with the same people all the time. but i never got tired of being with my new family. and now... now i'm lost without them.
none of them read this on their own. over the summer, i liked it that way. i didn't want that to change, because this was my space. but now, i need them. i need them to tell me they'll run with me. because without them, i'm not sure i can run at all. i know i can do this. i know i will be just fine in grad school, in this place so far from home. i'm just not sure i can do it alone.
don't leave me alone.
"are you looking for a little more than this hold-you-down, broken town? better leave now, or you'll never know. how far do you want to go? i can be the one. you can be mine, too. we can run away, disappear, get the hell out of here. tell me you'll come with me. tell me you'll run with me. tell me you love me. how far do you want to go?"
--> gloriana, "how far do you want to go"
"this life is full of choices. it's hard to make one with all the voices in my head. those blue eyes that i'm in love with, or that highway. whichever i pick, there'll be regrets. if i go one way, i lose everything. if i go the other way, same thing. i'm torn, and it's tearing me apart. i want to go, but i don't want to break her heart. like a sword with a double edge blade, it's gonna cut deep either way. this little town, or that big old world. chase the dream, or keep the girl."
--> jason aldean, "keep the girl"
"when you figure out love is all that matters after all, it sure makes everything else seem so small."
--> carrie underwood, "so small"
"we come here with nothing, and take it with us the day we leave. the first and last breath don't matter. it's all the ones that are in between. it's the reason for living. it's the reason the caged bird sings. it's why we sit in the movies all the way to the closing scenes. from the beginning, we're all looking for a happy ending."
--> sugarland, "happy ending"
"there's only us. there's only this. forget regret, or life is yours to miss. no other road. no other way. no day but today."
--> rent, "another day"
"i believe in music like some people believe in fairy tales."
--> august rush
"mayday. somebody save me now. i'm cutting all ties to the world outside, because it's over my head. it's all coming undone. i'm falling apart somehow. i'm closing my eyes, because once the sun rises, it's out of my hands."
--> david cook, "circadian"
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