Day 3: I am Scarlett O'Hara

We have been reading Gone With the Wind for my Liar in Literature class. Let me tell you, I wasn't looking forward to it, because it's a freaking long book. But as I started reading it last weekend, I was pleasantly surprised. I like it.

And I have come to a remarkable discovery.

I am Scarlett O'Hara.

"How?" you might ask. "How are you anything like Scarlett? First of all, she was Southern, and you are clearly not. She was of a wealthy plantation family, which you are not. She grew up in Georgia during the civil war, and since you can't time travel, you didn't. And she married a putz at 16, which you luckily didn't."

NO. That's not what I meant.

I'm making her mistakes.

I don't know if you know the story of Gone with the Wind. And I'm going to be the kid who lived under a rock, because I don't know how it ends, and I am only 230 pages in. But so far, I am making all of Scarlett's mistakes. Let's review.

Scarlett O'Hara is in love with Ashley Wilkes. But he doesn't love her back. In fact, he rejects her, saying that they are too different now and could never marry. Ok, so far so good. So, in order to get back at him in a sense, she gets with his cousin and marries him, even though he repulses her. After he dies, she is forced into mourning, even though she's not sad. Then she goes out dancing with good ol' Rhett Butler, and for some reason, all of his rough edges are attractive to her. And that's as far as I've gotten. But it's all I need for this comparison.

Scarlett's Mistakes:

1. Throws herself at someone who doesn't love her back.
2. Forces herself to be with someone she doesn't love, because his feelings for her are truer than hers could ever be.
   
3. Starts a flirtation with the most scandalous man in town.

Ok...

Amanda's Mistakes:

1. After breaking up with the love of her life for reasons that could have been remedied, she throws herself at him, and he doesn't love her anymore.
2. In her delusional post-break-up state, she leads on her best friend, thinking there might be something more.
   
3. Now, after pushing almost everyone else away, including said best friend, she is having a texting flirtation with a guy from high school, the most abrasive person in her graduating class.

So. Do you see it now? I am Scarlett O'Hara. I embody her in ways I never thought possible.

What the hell has happened to me?

Day 1: I'm done hoping that we can work it out.

I am starting my countdown over. Because this time, it's really over. And since I have finally recognized it, I need to do something about it.

It happened yesterday, in Charlevoix, Michigan at Castle Farms. I tagged along with my roommate to a bridal expo.

When I agreed to go, I was a little concerned that I was going to be terrible company. That I would be sad and all that. But I wasn't. I wasn't happy necessarily, but I realized I wasn't ready for any of that. Even if we had never broken up, I wouldn't want that right now. Planning a wedding is a lot of work, man! I couldn't do it, not with all this other stuff on my plate.

Which leads me right into my realization...

I should be happy that I can be free right now. I don't know where I'll get into grad school. I don't know what my life is going to look like this time next year. I need to cherish this time that I have on my own and figure out where a man would fit in this new life of mine.

I'm saying these words right now, but I know I'm still going to struggle with them. I do still love him, even after all of the shit he has dragged me through these last 2 months. I thought I would hate him, but I don't. I just can't. There is a good possibility that he is the love of my life, and I can't deny that. But I need to move forward with my life without love. At least for the time being.

I'm still half dead inside, and when we were wandering through Bed, Bath, and Beyond today and my roomie was picking out the stuff she wants in her house after she gets married, I was still really sad. But I'm going to start faking it better. I am going to start smiling. I bought some new shirts, and I'm going to wear them with pride. Maybe if I look hot, he'll see what he's missing out on.

The hardest part for me is that my roommate hates him now. She has walked in on me crying too many times. She wants to punch him in the throat, in her own words. But no matter what happens in the future, I will always love him. She, or my sister, or anyone else can't take that from me. Daughtry puts it nicely.

"The kiss good night, it comes with me. Both wrong and right, our memories. The whispering before we sleep. Just one more thing that you can't keep. Our favorite place we used to go. The warm embrace that no one knows. The loving look that left your eyes. But I know, in time, we'll find this was no surprise."

I'm still incredibly sad, and I still feel empty, but my tears have dried. At least for now. I have been sending him my blog posts, and this is the last one I'm going to send him. Because he answered my question: he said he's happy without me. So that's that. It is what it is.

"I'm done hoping that we can work it out. I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels, letting you drag my heart around. And I'm done thinking that you could ever change. I know my heart will never be the same, but I'm telling myself I'll be ok. Even on my weakest day, I get a little bit stronger."

--> Sara Evans, "A Little Bit Stronger"

Day 21: You Stupid Girl

So. Here I am, alone in my room on the first day of fall break. I have already been productive, which is good. I picked up my paycheck, and have submitted two more grad school applications. I now have 9 down and 2 to go, so that's an improvement.

I got some really good advice as a comment to my last post. I can't say that I don't believe in anything, because I would be lying. Although I've become pretty good at that, too. But I had asked for a sign that there was a god looking out for me, or something. And my health has been a little odd the last few days, so to me, that was proving my point: no one was looking after me at all. I mean, come on? What kind of god would give a girl a muscle spasm in her neck on the day she has a huge biochemistry exam? Yeah, answer that one. But maybe that comment was my sign. Or maybe I'm going crazy looking for signs at all. But anyways, I'm trying to believe in something. I'm trying to not be that person who gives up everything when a relationship ends. I'm trying not to be her. But then I heard a song today...

Before I left Scotland, he sent me an email with attachments of all the songs on the new Framing Hanley album. I am assuming no one else has really heard of them, but I liked it. It's not the kind of music that I listened to all the time, so I didn't memorize the songs or anything, but it was good cleaning and get-your-ass-in-gear music. I liked it. Well, I have been avoiding it like the plague since August, because if anything is going to remind me of him, it's the music he sent me. A lot of times songs will come on, and no matter what I'm doing, I'll crumple on the nearest thing I can sit on and burst into tears. Songs have that effect on me. It sort of sucks. I have to plan my playlists very strategically.

Well, I had already listened to my new favorite playlist once through this afternoon while I was doing stuff on my computer. So, I flipped my ipod to shuffle, which I haven't done since we broke up, I don't think. Too risky. Well, after a few of my favorites played, I heard the opening notes of a song I didn't immediately recognize. I let it play, and I realized who it was: Framing Hanley. The song was called "You Stupid Girl." And I froze.

I didn't cry. I want to make that very clear. But I was heartbroken, because all I could think of is that when he plays that song, he must think of me. Because I think I've been killing him by not letting it all alone. Don't get me wrong, this isn't a Carly Simon, "You're So Vain" kind of thing. I don't want him to think that I'm going to be the death of him. I just... I don't know. It all just makes me sad. I'm doing my best to let him be for a while. It's terribly hard, and I know it's not really going to get easier for a while. But I'm trying. For real this time.

On a different note (pun possibly intended), Taylor Swift's new single is pretty much about my life. True story.

"This is me, swallowing my pride, standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night. And I go back to December all the time. It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you, wishing I'd known what I had when you were mine. I'd go back to December, turn around and make it all right. I go back to December all the time."

--> Taylor Swift, "Back to December"

I'm trying not to be that stupid girl. I am. But maybe that's who I am. I'm so afraid that if I let go and give him time to heal, he won't ever speak to me again. Yes, I miss our relationship, but more than anything, I miss our friendship. I'm terrified that if I let go, I won't get any of it back. People tell me it's better that way, but I can't picture my life without him in it. It's so hard right now to have to wake up each morning and have that feeling of loss hit me like a brick. But I'm trying. I hope he knows I'm trying. And I will keep trying, because above anything else, I want him to be happy.

Are you happy? Can you answer that for me? Is me being out of your life making you happy?

I hope it is. Because I want one of us to be happy, and it's killing me.

Day 18: Sucker Punch

I had to give myself a couple days to process what came next. I still can't think about it without feeling like I've been sucker punched in the stomach. I keep asking myself how this happened. But everytime I say it out loud, there is someone to tell me that I can't dwell on the past. Gee, that's helpful, thanks...

I think I got all of my crying out yesterday, which helped. I am completely exhausted: physically, emotionally, spiritually. I feel like I'm running on empty. Because the only thing keeping me going was hope, and that's gone now too.

I was watching the new season of Glee the other day, and Finn sang "Losing My Religion." How appropriate. I feel like I have absolutely nothing to believe in right now. Because when I think about all that I held onto last year, I get the wind knocked out of me all over again. That makes me sound like I worshipped him or something, which is far from true. But we just had the same beliefs in those kinds of things... we had our own little religion of sorts. Love was our faith, and now I feel like I have nothing to believe in if I can't even believe in love. Or forever. And I'm struggling with that. My mom keeps telling me that God is always there for me. But I just can't believe that. I feel too alone for that to be true, and I am shattered to my core. Why would God, or whoever, make me feel this way? I don't believe it was to make me a stronger person, so don't bother with that.

I can't say that I don't believe in God, because that's not true. I believe in something. But I can't grasp the meaning of this. People say that God never gives you more than you can handle, right? So why do people kill themselves? Why do people go insane? Why do people turn to self-harm or destruction? Because maybe there isn't a god looking out for us. Or maybe some people just aren't good enough for him to care about all the time like others are. I don't know. But if there is a god looking out for me right now, I challenge him to give me a sign as to how this is all going to turn out. Because I don't believe in anything right now. All I can do is keep working. Keep pushing on.

As I sit here and think, I can feel the familiar lack of oxygen that comes each time I remember anything about him. I think of this break coming up, and all I can see is him. We spent our last two fall breaks together, just hanging out on campus and catching up on homework and sleep. I don't know what I'm going to do. And I hate that. So so so much. I can't breathe, and then my eyes fill with tears, and then I run to an uninhabited room so that my roommates don't see that I'm still not over this. I'm still stuck on this asshole (as they say) who shattered me by not giving me the time that I needed, who just stopped loving me and didn't give me a chance to change his mind.

And that is the definition of a sucker punch.

Day 15: The Truth About Forever

Do you want to know the truth about forever?

It doesn't exist. There is no forever. There's only as long as it lasts, and that's never enough.

I have been periodically sending emails, because I miss us. It's that simple. I can't seem to let go, because he is and always will be my other half. I was getting frustrated, because he wasn't answering any of them. Now I know why.

He's been cold and indifferent. I thought that these two months apart would be enough to show him that maybe he should give me another chance. But no. Instead, he took my openness and vulnerability and slammed it repeatedly in a heavy fire-escape door. Yeah, consider that imagery. I gave him everything I had, and he doesn't care. He doesn't give a damn about what I have to say, and he is treating me like I'm this nobody who he doesn't know or care to know. That, my friends, was supposed to be forever.

I'm not innocent, I know that. I caused the snowball to start rolling down the hill. But if he had listened to me, I could have stopped it. We weren't perfect, but love isn't supposed to be perfect. We were real, and that's all that I cared about. Now we're nothing.

And what's left of me in all of this? Nothing. I'm a shell of a person, who is becoming cold and indifferent. That's what happens when your other half is acting that way. Two halves will always make a whole. And I'm lying. That's the other thing about the truth: there isn't any.

"Truth be told, I'm lying."

--> All-American Rejects, "Gives You Hell"

I can tell that I am lying all the time. But I don't know it when it's happening. And I don't know what the truth is anymore. He was my truth, because all of this is sounding a little too familiar. This is exactly what I was like freshman year here. I looked like I had it all together when I really had nothing at all. And then someone came along and showed me that I was special, that I was different, and that I was worth loving after all. That was my truth. But he took it back. And when you take back the truth, what's left? Smoke and mirrors. Lies. Illusions. Nothing.

Forever doesn't mean anything. And if someone tells you that, you have to assume they haven't thought it through. Because if a love was truly going to last forever, a little bump in the road wouldn't derail it. If he really loved me, he would have fought for me. Clearly my truth hasn't been real at all. So what am I, then? If I'm not worth loving, then what is the point of all this?

This is my new truth. I have 45 days to get my shit together, and then another 5 or so months to keep it together before I can be free of the memories that are haunting me in this place. And I will keep lying, because self-perseverance is the most important thing, right? That's what he's telling me. And if he's my truth, then I have to believe it. Right?

Well, no one will ever know, because if you ask me, I'll probably lie.

Day 13: You Want to Scream, But You're Down To Your Last Breath.

It's late, and I'm exhausted. But I'm really feeling it today. The loneliness. It creeps in when I least expect it, and then it settles somewhere in my lungs, so that I can hardly breathe. I only want it to go away, but only one person can make that happen. And he's over it.

The hardest part is feeling alone in a group of people. That's the worst. And I feel it everyday.

The absolute worst part about it is that other people want to fix it. Some things can't be fixed. He has taught me that. Because I'm a fixer too, and he told me I had to come up with a new dream. I don't want other people to fix me. I want to be able to fix myself. And that's going to take time, because I have made so many mistakes. And since there's no undo button on life, I'm stuck with the path I've chosen. Even though it sucks.

"You keep on bringing out the best in me, and I need you now even more than the air I breathe. You make me laugh when I want to cry. This could last forever, I just know. So baby, hold on tight. Don't let go. Hold on to the love we're making, because baby, when the ground starts shaking, you've gotta know when you've got a good thing."

--> Lady Antebellum

Day 8: There You Go Making My Heart Beat Again.

So. I have failed slightly. There was a little issue this week, and I emailed him. Crap.

Here's the thing about that. I don't think it's affecting him like it's affecting me. I already know what's going to happen if I go over there today. I'll be back to where I was on Day 1... which was not good.

But the chances of following through on what I know? Not so good.

I have, however, made significant improvement on my goals from 5 days ago. I got (almost) all of my homework done this week, and what I didn't get done (just some reading) I was able to fake. Luckily for me. I didn't feel that horrible sinking feeling of sitting in class and not knowing what is going on because I'm behind. Which, my friends, is significant improvement over the first several weeks of school.

And, last night, I actually got some very important work done! On a Friday! I know, I'm impressed too. I made a list of for each grad school that I'm applying to of what still needs to be done for each application. So now I have 11 post-it notes stuck to the wall next to my desk telling me exactly what I need to do still. That helps, believe it or not. Haha. You can see that some schools have more left than others... haha.

So, as of right now, I'm ok. Not perfect, by any means, but ok. Everything sucks, don't get me wrong, but I'm working through it. I need to show that I'm a strong person. And I am. I am.

Later

I did go to visit him, against the advice of everyone I mentioned it to. And I'm still ok. I'm a little heartbroken all over again, but I guess what did I expect? Since he still has my heart, of course everytime I see him, he's going to rebreak it. It's different when he's cold and distant. It's easy to see how we fell apart then. But days like today, when he was pretty welcoming, and we were just sitting on his couch and talking, it's hard to understand how everything ended this way.

He has this incredible future ahead of him. When we were together, I always told him that he was the cool one in our relationship, because he works for the recording studio on campus and he's into music and what not. And I'm a chemistry major--what's cool about that? Apparently nothing, because I get a disgusted response every time I tell people who I've never met before what I'm majoring in. He was telling me today about some of the opportunities he might have at finding a day job next year in Nashville, so he can work at the recording studio nights and weekends. I'm so proud of him. That's part of the reason it's hard to let go as well.

In the last couple of days, I have realized something. I don't think there will ever come a day when I don't love him. He has so much of my heart that even if I am able to want to give it to someone else, I'm not sure I'll have it to give. And while this thought used to make me cry, it doesn't anymore. It sucks, that's for sure, but I'm accepting it. There's a good chance I'm going to have to be alone for a long time before I can even think about moving on. I tried jumping on to the "moving on" train already, and it left me in this completely messed-up state. So much of the time, I completely hate myself for letting this happen. I hate myself for thinking I could handle this world on my own.

I hate myself for knowing what I could have done so that we could have made it, and not having that option anymore.

Honestly, I hate myself for still loving him. Because that is the root of it all. But I'm always going to love him, and I know I can't hate myself forever.

So I put on a smile and I step out into the world each day. I try to wear clothes that don't remind me of him, and I try not to look in the mirror so that I don't have to see what I've become. I pretend I'm ok, because maybe one day, I won't be pretending anymore. One day.