I got some really good advice as a comment to my last post. I can't say that I don't believe in anything, because I would be lying. Although I've become pretty good at that, too. But I had asked for a sign that there was a god looking out for me, or something. And my health has been a little odd the last few days, so to me, that was proving my point: no one was looking after me at all. I mean, come on? What kind of god would give a girl a muscle spasm in her neck on the day she has a huge biochemistry exam? Yeah, answer that one. But maybe that comment was my sign. Or maybe I'm going crazy looking for signs at all. But anyways, I'm trying to believe in something. I'm trying to not be that person who gives up everything when a relationship ends. I'm trying not to be her. But then I heard a song today...
Before I left Scotland, he sent me an email with attachments of all the songs on the new Framing Hanley album. I am assuming no one else has really heard of them, but I liked it. It's not the kind of music that I listened to all the time, so I didn't memorize the songs or anything, but it was good cleaning and get-your-ass-in-gear music. I liked it. Well, I have been avoiding it like the plague since August, because if anything is going to remind me of him, it's the music he sent me. A lot of times songs will come on, and no matter what I'm doing, I'll crumple on the nearest thing I can sit on and burst into tears. Songs have that effect on me. It sort of sucks. I have to plan my playlists very strategically.
Well, I had already listened to my new favorite playlist once through this afternoon while I was doing stuff on my computer. So, I flipped my ipod to shuffle, which I haven't done since we broke up, I don't think. Too risky. Well, after a few of my favorites played, I heard the opening notes of a song I didn't immediately recognize. I let it play, and I realized who it was: Framing Hanley. The song was called "You Stupid Girl." And I froze.
I didn't cry. I want to make that very clear. But I was heartbroken, because all I could think of is that when he plays that song, he must think of me. Because I think I've been killing him by not letting it all alone. Don't get me wrong, this isn't a Carly Simon, "You're So Vain" kind of thing. I don't want him to think that I'm going to be the death of him. I just... I don't know. It all just makes me sad. I'm doing my best to let him be for a while. It's terribly hard, and I know it's not really going to get easier for a while. But I'm trying. For real this time.
On a different note (pun possibly intended), Taylor Swift's new single is pretty much about my life. True story.
"This is me, swallowing my pride, standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night. And I go back to December all the time. It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you, wishing I'd known what I had when you were mine. I'd go back to December, turn around and make it all right. I go back to December all the time."
--> Taylor Swift, "Back to December"
I'm trying not to be that stupid girl. I am. But maybe that's who I am. I'm so afraid that if I let go and give him time to heal, he won't ever speak to me again. Yes, I miss our relationship, but more than anything, I miss our friendship. I'm terrified that if I let go, I won't get any of it back. People tell me it's better that way, but I can't picture my life without him in it. It's so hard right now to have to wake up each morning and have that feeling of loss hit me like a brick. But I'm trying. I hope he knows I'm trying. And I will keep trying, because above anything else, I want him to be happy.
Are you happy? Can you answer that for me? Is me being out of your life making you happy?
I hope it is. Because I want one of us to be happy, and it's killing me.
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