Day 47: i don't want to be someone else's maybe.

Many interesting things have happened since Monday, to the point where I can hardly begin to describe them. Some were bad, but mostly, they were pretty good. And to be honest, the one thing that I thought would break me, that I thought would make this week completely terrible, was a life-saver.

Tuesday was a bad day. Anyone who knows me shouldn't be terribly surprised at that statement, but it was completely true this week. My first grad school applications were due on Wednesday, and I was still missing recommendations. I had a big research proposal due in superchem that I was having trouble concentrating on because the grad school business was blowing up. I wanted a hug, let's be honest. And that's a rare impulse for me. So, I emailed him. I know I shouldn't have, and I regretted it soon after, when I got on facebook. That's the next part of the story.

Oh, facebook. I have such a love/hate relationship with facebook. But I couldn't concentrate, so I was browsing the newsfeed. And that's when I saw the first thing that I thought would break me. His dad posted pictures from Thanksgiving. And Rebound Girl was in one of them, with him and his mom. She went home with him for Thanksgiving. I had (and have) been officially replaced. I can't recall ever being in a family picture with him, and if I was, they were never put on facebook. I can't remember, to be honest. But it was like a literal punch in the stomach. So I turned on Glee. Haha.

Part two. During Glee, I got a reply to my email. I figured it would be just a short blip from him, saying he couldn't be there for me because of this and that. That's what it always was, but asking made me feel better. But that wasn't it at all. It was full-out yelling. Honestly, he was a complete dick, an asshole, someone I didn't recognize. After Glee ended and all of my roommates went to do their homework, I went into the basement by myself and cried until there was nothing left. I thought I would just lay around all night after that, but I didn't. I got up, and I didn't respond to his email. It was probably the strongest thing I have ever done.

To finish the story, he emailed me again a couple of hours later, apologizing and saying that everything he said had been out of line. But to me, it didn't matter. It had already been said. I made plans to return the season of one of our favorite shows to him that I had borrowed over Thanksgiving, and that was all. And then on Wednesday, I went and returned it, and I didn't go inside when he invited me in. I stood in the hallway, and then I walked away. I walked away. That was the second strongest thing I have probably ever done.

I'm not a saint, and I know that I am mostly to blame in this entire situation. We would have been ok if I could have left everything the hell alone. But that's not my style, clearly. I want to fix everything. But some things just can't be fixed. But, as the title so eloquently says, I refuse to be someone else's maybe. I can see, now that all of this has happened, that I mean nothing to him anymore. For some reason, it took him yelling at me for me to see it.

A whole bunch of good things happened on Wednesday that made up for the crappiness that was Tuesday. My friend and former roommate got into three dental schools, and we had cake to celebrate. All of my grad school applications were finally completed. And it snowed! Holland is now (almost) a winter wonderland. :)

The rest of the story about him and Rebound Girl is pretty hilarious, really. I have had a shit ton of people ask me about her, because everyone knows that he and I dated for forever. I always just chuckle and say what I know about it. I have my spies, so I've got the scoop on her. This is a small campus, besides. Apparently, though, she is a damn saint, and she's super sickly on top of that. I have come to the conclusion that it would be really bad karma to feel any sort of jealousy toward her, haha. So instead I just feel this incredible curiosity. Hence the spies with their feelers out for me. And yes, I realize she has a name, but I call her Rebound Girl, ReG for short. Ha.

There is an overall hilarious and also an overall terrifying message to take away from this.

Terrifying: This is our senior year at a very conservative, marriage-centric college. There is a chance he might actually marry ReG, and be repressed for the rest of his life. Does that make me sound jealous? Maybe. But that's not it at all. I am one of few people who have ever really known him. And I know for a fact that he's not being his complete self with her.

Hilarious: His ex-girlfriend, the one who has been reading these posts without my knowledge? She is best friends with ReG. Hahahahahahahahahaha. I hope she's reading this one. :)

Here are some songs to showcase how I've been feeling lately:

"When push comes to shove, you taste what you're made of. You might bend till you break. It's all you can take. On your knees, you look up. Decide you've had enough. You get mad. You get strong. Wipe your hands. Shake it off. Then you stand."

--> Rascal Flatts, "Stand"

"Turn it up a little bit louder. Turn it up, I love this song. Come on, now, the world is ours. Let's do something right or wrong. Life is short, so let's go live it. Ain't no time for wasting time. Days like these, they go by so fast. Yeah, days like these, you want to make them last."

--> Jason Aldean, "Days Like These"

"You find your faith has been lost and shaken. You take back what's been taken. Get on your knees and dig down deep. You can do what you think is impossible. Keep on believing. Don't give in. It will come and make you whole again. It always will, it always does. Love is unstoppable."

--> Rascal Flatts, "Unstoppable"