Day 54: i get a little bit stronger.

This week has been a little rough. Somehow, though, I'm still feeling pretty good about everything. I have a resilience that I didn't realize until all of this happened. It has been liberating discovering that I am truly stronger than I ever realized, and I get stronger everyday. Even when things knock me down, even when I don't feel all right, I get a little bit stronger.

Two things happened this week that have made me rethink everything I have been feeling for the past several months:

A boy from my high school died on Tuesday. (Yes, TUESDAY. I don't make this stuff up, people.) He got hit by a train in Colorado, where he was living. I didn't personally know him, but I had met him several times, and I knew who he was through my cousin, who graduated with him. He was one of those people who was everyone's friend, and everyone knew who he was because he had a huge heart and a great sense of humor. And now he's gone, and our entire town is crumbling. It's terrifying to see how short life actually is.

I almost got hit by a truck today. It seems like it shouldn't have bothered me, but it did. I was in the crosswalk, doing everything right, and I still saw my life flash before my eyes. It sounds extreme, but after what happened on Tuesday, it's not, I don't think. It's life, and life is tragic and unfair. And the unfairness of that statement doesn't escape me, and neither does the irony in it.

I know exactly how I feel about him now, after going back and forth and being wishy-washy for months. I don't need him, which is something that I haven't been able to admit to myself since I got back to school. I am perfectly ok without him, except for being lonely. But I do want a relationship with him, even if it's only a friendship. I'm done pushing for anything, I'm done asking questions, I'm done with all of that. It's too complicated, and I don't need it. I am (for once) going to take his words at face value: that he still cares, but can't give me anything else. Right now, that's enough for me.

I only want him to know that I care about him. And I want there to be a good sense of finality between the two of us. I want it to end on a good note, and I don't feel like that is the case right now. We're ok, but we're not good. And I would like us to be good. I'm not sure if that can happen for us right now, but it's all I want.

"When I close my eyes, I see you, no matter where I am. I can smell your perfume through these whispering pines. I'm with your ghost again. It's a shame about the weather. I know soon we'll be together, and I can't wait till then. I can't wait till then."

--> Zac Brown Band, "Colder Weather"