I am starting my New Year's Resolution early. It's starting tomorrow, on my first day of Christmas break, and hopefully I'll be able to stick to it. I need this, because I know it is going to help me heal. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but I am tired of having my own feelings hurt. I need to do this.
I have entitled this resolution "Don't Speak Until Spoken To."
Here's the thing. I have always been the one to keep up relationships, whether they be friendships or actual relationship. It is always my effort, and I'm honestly very tired of it. So, starting tomorrow, I am not going to speak until spoken to. Why should I go out of my way for people who don't really care about me at all? All I want is to get what I give. I have only really had it once, and I lost it. I had someone who cared about me, who wanted to spend his life with me, and... I let him go. And I have to live with that, so I'm living with it by doing this. By making this resolution. Because I want to get what I give.
I was in Scotland for 5 months, and then I was in Washington DC for another 3. Those are 8 months that I hardly remember, and I definitely can't get them back. In that time, I made some mistakes, and I have some regrets. I can't take any of it back, and I wish more than anything that I could. So this is how I'm going to handle it. I'm not going to speak until spoken to, because I want to get what I give.
It sounds depressing. I'm building my own little fortress of solitude, but I have to protect what little heart I have left. I have felt betrayed by my friends this semester. Most don't care about how I'm doing. And the ones who pretend to care, or maybe really do, don't actually want to talk to me about how I'm doing. I only truly want one person to care. Maybe he does, as he says he does. But he doesn't want to talk to me about it. He doesn't want to make me feel better. He just wants to live his new life. When I talk to him, I can still see that we were perfect. He was himself with me, because you can't fake your personality for 2 years. And I hope he's being himself in his new life. But I'm done trying to care. I'm done reaching out. I'm just... done. Because he doesn't give me what I give him anymore. So I am not going to speak to him until he speaks to me. Even if it's never.
He gave up on me. So I am giving up on everyone. It sounds completely crazy, but I need to do this. I need to see who my friends actually are. I want him to prove to me that he cares after all. I want everyone to prove that to me. Do I think it's going to happen? No. Not by a long shot. Because he's never been that kind of guy. But I need to do this. I need to.
I want to get what I give. Will you give me what I deserve?
With all the love in my heart during the holidays,
Amanda
"But you hurt somebody who would die for you. Somebody who cares so much they'd gladly give it all up if that's what they had to do. It runs deeper than flesh and blood. Heaven knows no greater love than the sacrifice they'd make to see you through. Somebody who would die for you."
--> Tracy Lawrence, "Somebody Who Would Die For You"
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