simple. straight to the point. that's how i am, usually. people always say that girls are complicated, but i disagree. maybe some girls are complicated, but i'm easy to figure out. i laugh when things are funny. i smile when i'm happy. i'm sassy and snarky when someone annoys me. and i'm sarcastic 100% of the time. it doesn't take much for me to like people, and i'm pretty forgiving when it comes to mistakes. what does this have to do with anything?
right now, i am discouraged.
classes aren't going as well as i had hoped. i am not sure what i was expecting, since undergrad was never easy for me. i think i was just assuming i'd be super motivated to do work when i got here, since this is grad school and all. but that hasn't been the case. i spend most of my time missing my friends at home, missing the lab i did research in at hope, missing everything i left behind. i'm having trouble adjusting here. i think it is in part because i do not want to adjust to living here full time. because if i do that, then it's accepting the fact that i'm not sure when i'll see my friends again after january. i was doing fine, i thought. my head was solidly above water, and though i was pretty stressed, i wasn't worried. i just... didn't care enough to worry, i guess. how awful does that sound?
well, as it turns out, i'm made of glass. i had a little crack in me, but i was still pretty solid. it would have taken quite a jarring event to break me. i had experienced a bad date, loneliness, hope-sickness, a hurricane, an earthquake, paperwork up the wah-zoo, and the stress of starting a phd program, all with that crack in me. i stayed intact. well, then i got jarred.
yesterday, after sitting through yet another meeting about classes i can't forget to go to, more work i need to do, there was a picnic. i was having a good time - free food, interesting people. i was walking to the table to get ice cream when i was approached by one of the higher-ups in the program. she didn't understand how i did so poorly on my assignment. she said she was heartbroken that i didn't go to her for help. and that was all it took. i could feel the tears burning in my eyes, but i blinked them back. the crack was splitting wide, revealing the actual state of my existence - which is a broken person, a lost person, someone who isn't even sure this is where she belongs. i'm struggling. and i'm alone in it.
what i need is a hug from someone familiar. the best feeling in the world is for someone to know you and to love you despite knowing who you are. i left all of those people up north. i think of the goodbyes i had with the people i love the most. i gave a lot of hugs, because i was going to miss a lot of people. but two hugs stick out in my mind - from two of my best friends from lab this summer. first, from my best companion, the person i clicked with more quickly than anyone else i'm still currently friends with. i was at a wedding, and he came to say goodbye to me anyways. his leaving set my world spinning uncontrollably, because that meant that i was soon going to be leaving as well. but when he held his arms out and i fell into them, i felt grounded again. he squeezed enough to take the breath from my lungs, and i felt tears about to break the surface. that is the kind of hug i need right now. i would drive just about any distance to feel that again, even for a couple of seconds. the second hug was different. my friend refused to say goodbye, because she said she'd see me again. she left the room, and i stood there, feeling small and alone. then she came back into the room like a windstorm, catching me in her flurry of movement, pulling me in for a quick squeeze and then leaving as unexpectedly as she came in. the tears fell that day. because i felt warm and loved and knew it wasn't really goodbye, even though it felt like it.
both of those hugs were over a month ago. i haven't had a hug since my mom left me after i moved here. i need one. i need the steadiness, i need to be grounded. i want to cry, get it all out so that i can start over again. and i need to stop spinning on my axis.
two things are going to get me through to january, when i can hug these people again.
1. skype. sometimes, it's all that keeps me from crawling into bed forever. because if people can see me, then i have a reason to not look like a scrub.
2. fasthockey.com. because i can watch hope, i can watch one of my best friends, i can get involved in a sport i love, and i can feel connected. hockey, ice, the smell of an arena - that's home for me. even if i can't smell it, can't feel the atmosphere, i'll know it's there. only 44 days.
until then, i'm going to try to get back on track. do my work. study. concentrate. do what i came here to do. meet with this professor who set the crack in motion. try to fix what i've already messed up. i can do it. get set, go.
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