i never used to know the sun would shine after the rain.

I am currently having trouble finding inspiration, and I don't know what to write. Last night was an interesting night, with interesting in this case being a synonym for fairly awful. It was hard to wake up this morning and have hope that everything was truly going to be ok. It sounds extreme, but another thing that I have learned about myself since I have been here is that even the smallest annoyance or problem easily escalates to a crisis in my mind. I am so far from home and from everything comforting that I panic at the slightest issue. There was no wireless on campus yesterday afternoon and evening, and then my keys got locked into my friend's room. Not a crisis, clearly. But all of my forms of communication were gone, and I panicked. Don't worry, there were two open computers in the computer lab, so Jesse and I were able to communicate with the people at home to let them know that we were unable to communicate with them. Haha.

In my quest for inspiration, I will elaborate on my weekend. We adventured to Loch Ness on Saturday! It was a good time, and again, can only be described by a picture:

The hills surrounding the loch were covered in snow, and the water was the deepest shade of blue, to the point of almost being black. It is a sight that I never really thought I would get the chance to see; something that is such a part of fantasy that I never believed I would have the opportunity to take part in the beauty. After riding the ferry boat on the lake (which is when this picture was taken), we were dropped off in front of Urquhart Castle:

What I distinctly remember about the three weeks that I was here as an 8th grader was that we went to too many castles. I didn't appreciate the experience at all, and that makes me sad, because there isn't much chance that I'm going to be able to see those places again. You may be thinking, looking at these pictures, that it was just a pile of ruins, nothing to see. But it was amazing. And each castle has a different character... it's like, if you meet two people with the same name, you don't immediately dismiss the second one because you already know someone with that name. Which is good for me, because there are a lot of Amanda's in this world. Haha. But we are planning on seeing another castle in a couple of weeks, and I am excited! This one is Glamis, the supposed setting of Macbeth. And if you know me, you know that I'm a bit of a Shakespeare fan. Not quite as nutty as the girl in 10 Things I Hate About You, but still, a fan. So anyway, I'm excited to see another variety of castle, to see another personality that is completely different from the two that I've already seen.

As I still am lacking the words to say exactly what I'm feeling, I am going to end this post with this beautiful picture of a river as the sun sets:

What I love about this picture is that you cannot tell where I was standing when I took it. I was in a parking lot, as there were three buses running and spitting diesel-y exhaust into the fresh air, waiting for us to come aboard so we could begin the trip back to Aberdeen. The perfect picture, captured where no one would have expected.

"My life has been such a whirlwind since I saw you. I've been running round in circles in my mind. And it always feels like I'm following you, because you take me to the places that, alone, I'd never find. And even as I wander, I'm keeping you in sight. You're a candle in the window on a cold dark winter's night. And I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might. And I can't fight this feeling anymore. I've forgotten what I started fighting for. It's time to bring this ship into the shore... because baby, I can't fight this feeling anymore."

-->REO Speedwagon/Finn Hudson (from "Glee," of course!), "Can't Fight This Feeling"

if you wanna rock, i'm ready to roll.

Almost two weeks have passed since the last time I updated... Sorry about that. Time truly does fly here, which is something that I did not expect. As the countdown of the days until I see Justin again ticks by, I am trying to capture everything that I can on my camera. My adventure book is going to be huge. Good thing there's an awesome scrapbooking store in the Mall of America. That will have to be one of my stops in my short time at home between this adventure and my next one: NCIS internship. Man, time flies.

One thing of significance that happened in this time was that I celebrated my 21st birthday. A shout out to Kelsey and Mary for taking me out to lunch for the most delicious macaroni pie ever at the Auld Toon Cafe, and to Rose and Jesse for buying me a cute little cake. You all, along with my family (who I got to talk to on the phone!) and Justin (who I got to have a special Skype date with!) made my birthday very special, and I really appreciate it. Thank you. And also, thanks Mom and Dad, Dee and Mike, and Grandma for sending me cards. Getting mail is a very rare and much appreciated event here. :)

The other event of significance that occurred in my blogging lapse can only be described by a picture:
This is Castle Dunnottar, and it was the most magnificent thing I have ever seen. The hike out to see it was something else, and although we did not have the time to go inside (or rather, we were late, and were not allowed inside), it was still the most awe-inspiring experience so far. That structure is older than the country I was born and raised in. That structure, that overlooks the North Sea and the town of Stonehaven has more history in itself than the place I call home. It's so incredible, and it's hard to think about. And the beauty of it cannot be described by either words or pictures.

Hopefully there will be more pictures to come, as we are adventuring out to Inverness and Loch Ness this weekend. I fully intend to find the monster, by the way. And yes, I will be a complete and total tourist. Beware, Scotland. :)

It amazes me that I can continue to learn about myself, more each day. Before I left, I really thought I had me all figured out. But things here are so different that I am truly learning how I react to unknown situations. I have already figured out that Lady Antebellum is my calming music, Glee is my motivating music, and Daughtry is my let-out-my-frustration-by-walking-really-fast music. Everything else falls in between. I've learned the exhaustion leads to tears, and that I can truly get by only hearing Justin's voice once a week. I've learned that I was really out of shape at Hope, and that I can walk upwards of 15 miles in a day and still somehow be able to put one foot in front of the other. I've learned that I am completely dependent on the clock, and that the disorganization of this place drives me completely up the wall. Most importantly, I've learned that technology is the most beautiful thing. Who would have thought that there would be a time when a person could be across an ocean, and yet their family could track their movements and adventures on a computer screen? It's incredible, and even though technology is not my forte, I am definitely grateful for it.

Something else that I have learned here: I need my faith. I could never begin to guess what God's plan is for me, and I have never really considered that He has one. That was always one of the many issues that I have had with faith and religion: I wanted to make my own way. I didn't want to take a backseat to my own life. But in times like these, when I feel so lost, but yet so internally calm, I have to wonder... what does he have in mind for my life? So many things have happened that have made me believe that I was pushed in a certain direction by a force that was out of my control: taking personal finance in high school, choosing Hope, taking an RA position sophomore year, going into an apartment with girls I hardly knew, going to Scotland by myself. There is some sort of plan for me, and I need to acknowledge the presence that is all around me. Don't get me wrong, I still have my issues with organized religion. But I know what I believe, and even in the midst of all of this confusion in my life, I feel this immense serenity. It's peaceful, and it allows me to go on with my everyday life. I believe that everything will work out when I go back home. My life has a purpose, and I don't need to know what it is just now. That can wait, and I'll just enjoy the ride.

"You gotta live and learn. You gotta crash and burn. You gotta make some stances and take some chances. You gotta laugh and love and take all life has to give. You gotta live and learn, so you can learn to live."
-->Darius Rucker, "Learn to Live"

this one goes out to the man who mines for miracles.

Ok, so the rest of my week was pretty typical. I thought I would add a post of some of my observations here. Some of them are more personal observations, like what I have been noticing about myself. And some need some elaboration, which I will provide. Haha, enjoy!

Monday February 1

• Even though I don't like to admit it, I am a friendly person.
• Drunks with accents are even harder to understand than American drunks. [Explanation: I may have mentioned this in my last post, but Kelsey, Mary, and I encountered quite the interesting drunk at the pub on Monday. And no, we don't know where the "mengs" is. Goodness.]
• It's calming and comforting to be around people, whether or not you know them very well.
• Cobblestones covered in slush are very slippery.
• Of all of the things I miss about home, I miss hugs the most. Which is strange, because I don't usually hug people. I'm not a hugger. But since I was either always with Justin, or at home, I would get regular and frequent hugs. And I miss that.

Tuesday February 2

• It's hard to eavesdrop when you don't understand the language. [Explanation: No, I'm not talking about the accents. There were some people sitting next to me having a conversation in rapid-fire French. And I don't understand French. Haha.]
• MUST. CARRY. CASH. [Explanation: Here, they don't let you use a credit or debit card for anything 5 pounds or less. Annoying, to say the least. But I'm adjusting to that.]
• Brown and black must be some kind of fashion statement here. [... I have no explanation for that. Almost every girl has been wearing black tights with brown boots. Oy.]
• Food is really... different. Denser. I don't eat as much here.
• No one carries water bottles around with them like I do. I feel super American, but I'm doing it anyways. For the amount of water that I drink in a day, paying for it would be ridiculously expensive.

Wednesday February 3

• Girls are always dressed to impress here, even when it's pretty evident (by looking at their hair) that they haven't showered. When I don't shower, I feel gross, so I dress like a scrub. Apparently that's some kind of cultural difference.
• The more times you ask for directions to the same place, the closer you become to understanding them. [Explanation: We were looking for a certain street. It took us asking 3 different people to actually find it. But we were closer each time we asked.]
• It gets dark ridiculously early. We are not supposed to walk through Seaton Park in the dark, for our own safety. Well, when it gets dark at 4:30... Oy.
• The stoplights aren't at intersections... they're in between intersections.

Thursday February 4

• People (as in girls) dress incredibly weird here. (Shirt-dresses/short skirts)+tights+February=fashion statement? That's bad math.
• Tables get blocked off in the middle of dinner in the cafeteria. Jesse and I were asked to move. Seriously. It was weird.
• I still have the same issues with certain aspects of Christianity, although I fully believe in it as a whole.
• NO ONE IS ORGANIZED!! [Explanation: I went to IT because I couldn't get onto a certain website to fill out an inventory form for accommodations... then got sent to a different office in a different building, then got sent to a different office in a different building... then got sent away because they didn't know what the problem was. Good news... I got emailed a hard copy. Bad news... it cost 5 pence for each thing you print. Lame.]
• I'm starting to spell things like they do here. [Explanation: I typed "organised" the first time. Yikes.]

Friday February 5

• No one has any concept of time. As in, it takes a week to get an answer to an email.
• There is no real direction or motivation for students here. I'm shocked anyone gets degrees. Haha. Ok, that's not true, but still.
• There is no indication of class room changes ahead of time. Annoying. And that's how Kelsey and I missed our class on Tuesday.
• Seaton Park is almost completely empty by 3 pm. Because it gets dark at 4:30!
• People are not used to doing work here. Like reading. I'm already ahead, somehow. And I'm never ahead at Hope. Haha.
• Morning fire alarms seem to be a common occurrence here. No me gusta.

Saturday February 6 (today)

• The internet is... not so good here. Ugh.
• A walk on a cool morning or afternoon is very calming and good for the soul.
• The dates are written backwards. Like, today is 6 February 2010. Weird.

Well, that's all I have for now. I hope you enjoyed my observations. :)

This road was paved by the winds of change.

Well, now it's been a couple more days, and I am feeling significantly better. The hopelessness is gone, and my adjustment has begun. I like it here, for the most part. The walking I know is good for me, so other than my calves being sore all the time, that's nice. My favorite walk is in the morning, when everyone else is still bleary eyed and wishing they were still in bed, I like enjoying the beauty of my surroundings. Especially when I get to walk with Kelsey and Mary, like I did on Tuesday morning. Even when we weren't talking, it was nice to know that people were with me, and I felt at peace.

Here is how I spent my last few days:

Monday: It was an adjustment day. I went on a campus tour in the morning, so I am finally learning where all of the buildings are and what not. Then I had my first class, at 1 in the afternoon. It was Analytical Methods in Forensic Chemistry, and I love it. I feel like I'm ahead in the course, too, because a lot of the tests that were talked about were covered in organic chemistry at Hope. (Thank you Dr. Johnson for making me work so freaking hard for my C+, because it's worth it now!) I was able to get my ID as well, and lost some cute posters that I bought at the poster fair in the long process. My evening was a little difficult, because I was talking to my mom and feeling a little homesick still, but then Kelsey and Mary and I went to a pub in the City Center. It was a good experience, if you discount the creepy drunk man who kept trying to talk to us and ask us where the men's bathroom was. Why three girls would know where the men's bathroom is is beyond me. But whatever. That was the highlight of the day, by far. Well, the pub, not the creepy man. Haha.

Tuesday: I was more comfortable on campus, definitely. Kelsey and I have the History and Philosophy of Science together in the morning, but... our professor never showed up. Which is ok, I guess. I want to know what the class was like, though. The funniest part for me was the conversation I had with Kelsey when we were leaving... she likes philosophy, and I like history. So we were basically meant to take this class together. Haha. Then I went to the wrong room for Forensic Chem, but found it in time to catch most of the lecture. Again, I already knew most of the methods, so I was a little bored, but I guess it's better to be bored than lost. I was also able to find the book that I used in organic chem at Hope, and a used copy was only 10 pounds! So I bought it, being the nerd that I am. Haha. And last night I went to a bible study with my new friend Elise. Normally, bible studies aren't my thing, but I sincerely enjoyed the one last night. The people here are so genuine, and it is something that is fairly new to me. I've struggled with my faith, but now it's coming full circle. God has a reason for me to be here. I'm starting to think it was so that I could find him again. Also, I joined the international society. There's a trip to Loch Ness in a couple of weeks. Oh yeah! Haha.

Today, Wednesday: I didn't have any classes today, so my neighbor, Jesse, and I walked around campus for a bit, and then walked down to the City Center so she could retrieve her broken computer and I had something to do. We walked soooo much today. I'll sleep well tonight. But it was good for me to stay busy, because the homework load here is incredibly different than it is at Hope. I haven't had any yet. We just go to lectures and then there is one big huge exam at the end of the course. Or maybe a paper. Or both. It's interesting, because I have to be pretty self motivated. But no one is really doing anything yet, so I figured once the tutorials start next week, I'll know what I need to be doing. The only thing I have to do is start reading Things Fall Apart for my World Lit class next week. I have my first lecture for that class on Friday, but it would be nice to get a slight head start. But my plans for the night include... sleeping. Yay!

Things on the relationship front are going better. Not that they were bad, just my having to deal with it hasn't been the best. Jesse left her boyfriend behind as well, so it's nice to be able to talk to her about it. We're on the same page, which is comforting as well. Justin and I have been trying to email chat at least once a day, and while I know it's hard for him to set the time aside in his busy schedule, I really appreciate it. It makes me feel like I'm not losing touch quite as badly, and I am then constantly reminded of how lucky I am to have him in my life. I would be lost without him.

Other than that, I have started to make daily observations of the differences between what I am used to, and my life here. I plan on putting them in my adventure book when I go home. I figured that would be a good summer project: making an adventure book for all of my pictures and things I learned on a daily basis, so I can share them with Justin and my family and friends, if they want to see them. It is knowing that I can have these incredible experiences, and hopefully go back home with a heightened sense of self that keeps me going. And Justin makes me brave. He tells me he believes in me, and that everything will be ok. He and my mother also have been telling me that it's ok to cry. But most importantly, I know that everyone loves me, and they are thinking about me all the time, just like I am constantly thinking of them. I am so lucky, and so blessed. I must keep thinking of that. If I do, I'll get through this semester. It won't be easy, but I'll get through it.

"Do you hear me? I'm talking to you. Across the water, across the deep blue ocean, under the open sky. Oh my, baby, I'm trying. Boy, I hear you in my dreams. I hear you whisper across the sea. I keep you with me in my heart. It makes it easier when life gets hard. I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend. I'm lucky to have been where I have been. I'm lucky to be coming home again."
-->Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat, "Lucky"

we weren't born to follow.

These past four days have been some of the hardest in my life. But I'm here, in Aberdeen, Scotland, trying to get by on my own. I've done a lot of crying, and definitely a lot of soul searching during these days. I know it seems like I've hardly been here, but it feels like a long time to me. I honestly am not sure I can do it alone. But I am here now, and I have to keep pushing on. Classes start tomorrow, so that will help me adjust. Routines have always helped me through tough times.

Jetlag has been the main culprit in my dysfunction. I am so tired, but am unable to sleep during the times I should be sleeping. I'm actually thinking about a nap right now. I get extra emotional when I am tired, so all of my crying has been influenced by the incredible tired-ness.

I actually woke up this morning feeling fairly hopeless. I only wanted to go home, which is what I've been feeling pretty much since I arrived. I wish Justin could visit, or my family, so I had something to look forward to. Right now, everything is just laying out in front of me, like a vast sea of things out of my control, and it makes me feel panicky, and then the crying starts. I can't find out when my finals are until really late... like April or May. And I would like to start thinking about getting a ticket home, so I have enough time to prepare for my internship in Washington DC. I just feel like so much is getting thrown at me, and I can't control any of it.

I did go to church this morning, though, and that calmed me down a lot. I just started thinking that God doesn't give us more than we can handle, so I must be able to do this. I hope it goes quickly, though. I don't think I could handle a slow semester. There are only 8 weeks of classes, though, with exams and revision weeks on top of that. So it probably will go fast.

It sounds silly, but Bon Jovi's new song has given me more hope for this semester. I have to make my own path, even though it might weave and join other people's paths at times. The most difficult has definitely been separating my path from Justin's, even if it is only for a short time. Just thinking of him makes me want to cry all over again, but the panic is gone. I just miss him. He told me to make an adventure book so I can show him when I get back. But he's not going to be in my adventure, and that's what makes me so sad. I want him to see all of this, and I want to experience everything new in my life with him. This is definitely a test, but like I already said, God didn't give me more than I can handle. It's going to be a challenge, but I'll get through it.

"We weren't born to follow. Come on and get up off your knees. When life is a bitter pill to swallow, you've got to hold on to what you believe. Believe that the sun will shine tomorrow, and that your saints and sinners bleed. We weren't born to follow. You've got to stand up for what you believe."
-->Bon Jovi, "We Weren't Born to Follow"

so kiss me and smile for me, tell me that you'll wait for me.

I. LEAVE. TOMORROW. I don't know what else to say. Tomorrow I will set all of my fears and worries aside while I take to the skies. My packing is almost done. My role here is finished. Tomorrow I will leave this country for Scotland. Friday, I will begin the biggest adventure of my life. So, I don't have much to say for now. I will update from the land of haggis and kilts.

Until then, as Sheldon Cooper would say: Live long and prosper. :)

and you wait for me...

Well, here we are: 9 days until departure. That means I have 9 days to figure out what I'm going to pack, what I'm going to leave, and how I'm going to balance everything. I have learned some things in the last couple of weeks, and since lists seem to be my forte, I'll go with that:

1. I know what classes I'll be taking in Scotland. That was actually much easier to figure out than I thought than I thought it would be. I simply emailed my adviser, and then I was set. I wish everything about planning my next 8 months was that simple. So I'll be taking Analytical Methods in Forensic Chemistry, Gaelic Culture, World Literature, and Philosophy of Science. I'm pretty excited!

2. I know that I have a place to live for the summer. However, I don't have my room assignment yet. I just put the downpayment down last night online, so I'll be bunking at American University from mid-June until August. It's not necessarily close to the Navy Yard, but it will take just a simple Metro ride to get there. I'll just have to stock up on some Dramamine before I go... that Metro really gets to me. Ugh.

3. I know that an external hard drive and a new battery were all I needed to make my computer run better again. Granted, that cost me $120 for both, but my baby is running smoothly again.

4. I know that Skype will probably save me during this trying time away from Justin. I thought it would make it worse, because the first time we used Skype, it was soooo hard to see him but not be able to touch him. But the second time, a week later, it went much better. I could see the way he looked at me, and that was all I needed to know that we were going to be ok.

5. And lastly, I know that life is too short to take it for granted. Two Hope students died in a single engine plane crash on Sunday. This kind of a tragedy is hard to think about, and impossible to prepare for. They were so young. I will not waste my life. This semester is going to be hard, but it can be done. Anything is possible, both good and bad.

I'm not sure that I'll write again before I leave for the land of the Scots, but I plan to. Oy, it's coming so quickly now! I better get a move on!