regrets.

So. There was this one time a little less than a week ago where I was a little upset about the ridiculousness of a certain situation, so I blogged about it. Immaturely, I addressed my blog to the person/people who have been reading my blog. I have since deletely said blog entry. Which brings me to today's topic: regrets.

I have a lot of them. Some of them are small, and only I know about them. Some of them are big, life-altering things that I have screwed up. Which isn't so out of the ordinary for me, really. But I feel this is something that needs to be addressed, because so often, people keep their regrets locked up tight in the safe that is their memories. And that's not healthy either.

Recently, my biggest regret has been stooping to the level of others. I know I need to take the high road, but it's hard. Deleting that blog post was a big step for me. Honestly, though, this is bigger than a blog entry. I regret that the whole damn thing started. If I had never voiced my rhetorical questions to my friends, and had never posted my repressed jealous rage online, none of this would have ever started. But I did, and so it did. I regret it, and if I could, I would apologize to the people involved. Ironically, I can't apologize in the normal way, because I got blocked on facebook. Serves me right, I know. I'm thinking I know what I need to do. I do know. Blahhh.

The real irony in all of this is that NOTHING would have ever happened if I hadn't apologized to his ex two summers ago. It was then that I started following her blog, and I'm assuming then that she started following mine as well. This all started with an apology. Wow. Hopefully, it will end with one as well.

As for him... I'm done talking about him. He seems to think that I'm still holding on, and I'm not, at least not in the way he thinks. The only thing that I still have any attachment to is all of this aftermath. I feel like I was born again, in a way. We're reading about death in my senior seminar, and it has made me see the fragility of human life. Nothing is guaranteed, and I don't want to go into all of the unknown without making it right. I'm going to make it right.

And as for me... I'm doing well, actually. I've got my spirit back, and I feel alive for the first time since this summer. I'm finally breaking out of the storm I've been stuck in. Which is great. I'm loving it. Finally.

"You don't have to feel like a waste of space. You're original, you cannot be replaced. If you only knew what the future holds. After a hurricane comes a rainbow. Maybe the reason why all the doors are closed is so you can open one that leads you to the perfect road. Like a lightning bolt, your heart will glow. And when it's time, you'll know. You've just got to ignite the light and let it shine. Just own the night like the 4th of July. Because, baby, you're a firework. Come on, show 'em what you're worth. Make 'em go, ah ah ah, as you shoot across the sky. Baby, you're a firework. Come on, let your colors burst. Make 'em go, ah ah ah. You're gonna leave 'em all in awe, awe, awe."

--> Katy Perry, "Firework"