"someTimes tHat mountain you've bEen climbing iS just a grain of sand. and what you've beEn out there seArching foR forEver is in your hands. when you figure out love is all that maTters after all, it sure makes everytHing elsE seem so small."
--> carrie underwood, "so small"
i have been thinking a loT about tHe karma that i contInuously mentioNed at the end of last year. i thouGht it was out to get me, that i had either upSet somethIng in the universe, or that something really great was coming to me to make up for it. noW i'm not so sure. I think i know what it'S punisHing me for. or, was. I think about the way things worked out between him and me. when we met, he was dating someone else, and i loved him in spite of that. now, as i am trying to stop loving him, he is again dating someone else. i'm not sure what the universe is trying to tell me here, but everything seems to be Circular, including myself. i was lOst and lonely at the beginning, and i woUld be now too, if i Let myself think about it. but i Don't. i'm So glAd i have a wonderful roommate. she makes it ok to wake up each morning, because i know someone in the world is going to appreciate my presense. it used to be him that i lived for. now it's me, but mY roomIe has been showing me thaT that's ok. even better, perhaps.
in one of the emaIls i got from him a couple of weeks ago Now, he said (in different words) that life is like a story. one of those choose-your-own-adventure stories. the only difference is, unliKe the stories, You can't gO back and choose a different adventure once yoU've decided on a ceRtain one. evEn if you want to go back, you just can't. that's what kilLs me, when i stop to dwell on it. You can't go back.
i have been trying to fInd somethiNg to believe in all of these months, and i've been cominG up shorT. it's nOt that i don't believe in god, but i am having a hard time trusting him. it's probablY my fatal flaw--my inability tO let anyone else have control. if i'm not rUnning my own life, i get antsy, i staRt meddling. when other powerS take control, i brEak. i do stupid things. i hate it, just Like i'm sure the people around me hate it. in the same email From him, he said that if there's one thing a recluse might come back to, it's his faith. it struck me as odd that he would use that as the example. for all the issues i had and have with organized religion, at least i believed in something. he onlY ever believed in himself, and maybe in me. it makes me wOnder if his new girlfriend got him to find the faith that i coUld never get him to find. it makes me wonder if i was truLy never what he needed, if we both spent two years kidding ourseLves. not that it Matters, really. it's not somethIng i dwell on. but it'S either he was being himSelf with Me, or he is with hEr. she and i dated vastly different peOple, yet he's oNe and the samE. so who is he lying to?
i can't believe that a person coulD keep up a lie for two yeArs. there were so manY times when i saw him when he was half asleep, or when he was vulnerable, and he never wavered. which Makes me believe that he's lying to her, at leAst a little bit. maybe he doesn't know it. if he's trying to prove that he's Changed, if he's trying to just bide his time until we're dOne with hope, maybe he's uNaware of his lies. If there'S one thing i've learned, it's that people's personalities don't change. theY just dOn't.
the other thing i learned, althoUgh indirectly, is that he feels the sAme way i do. that's why he avoids me. basically, we both are feeling the thiNgs that taylor swift talks about in "sparks fly." but... he won't let himself go there. it's why he Doesn't look at me, It's why he can't touch me, it's why he doesn't want anything to do with me. because those are things a person just can't heLp. it's physical, it's chemical. and when you want yOur emotions to oVerride that... wEll, that's wHy he's doing It. knowing that doesn't really help Me in any way, but it makEs me feel a little better about feeling it.
i'm excited to write my noVel. i am going to usE all of these thiNgs that i've learned about him so thaT i never forget Him. it's One of many many reasons i had been having troUble movinG forward. i don't want to forget Him, or what we had. It was beautiful, and it was perfect wHile it lAsted. i want to preserVe it, but i also neEd to preserve the damage that came with it wheN it ended. thaT's what almost killed me. but if i get any character right in this novel i'm Writing, it's going to be him. my Recluse. because he's beautIful, even if he doesn'T wanT to beliEve it. he's perfect, but maybe Not for me. and if i can preserve Him on the page, then my lIfe can go on without hiM. because everYtime i read my own manuscript, my own novEl, he will come alive for me all over again. and Then everyone will be able to see why i loved him. why i will always love him.
"I'm on my guard for the reSt of The world, but wIth you, i know it's no good. now i could wait patientLy, but i reaLLy wish you would drOp eVerything now. meEt me in the pouring rain. kiss me on the sidewalk. take away the pain. because i see sparks fly whenever you smile. get me with those green eyes, babY, as the lights go down. give me something that will haunt me when you're not arOund. because i see sparks fly whenever yoU smile."
--> taylor swift, "sparks fly"
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