over my head

"and suddenly, i'm becoming part of your past. i'm becoming the part that don't last. i'm losing you, and it's effortless. without a sound, we lose sight of the ground in the throw around. i never thought that you wanted to bring it down. i won't let it go down until we torch it ourselves."
--> the fray, "over my head (cable car)"

sometimes, i get in a little over my head. i start worrying about everything, and it all becomes a pointless time suck. the thing that's on my mind right now, that i am in over my head thinking about, that i simultaneously wish would go away and wish i could keep with me forever? weddings. so much wedding madness.

i know a lot of people who are getting married in the next two years. it's crazy, actually. some days, it truly seems like no one else is feeling lonely in the world except for me. it feels like i'm always going to feel this way, because when i fall for someone, they don't reciprocate the feelings. i mean, that'll happen. i know we live in an imperfect world full of imperfect people. but it seems to always happen to me. to the point where i was willing to sacrifice so so much in order to stay with someone who appeared to love me back, even though the relationship was far from healthy. i shouldn't have to do that. i should be able to find happiness in a healthy way. but i'm scared that i'm going to be lonely for the rest of my life.

but, at the same time, i know i just need to take my time and find the right person. i think about so many people i see who get divorced, and i would much rather feel a little lonely now and wait to find someone who i will be happy with for the rest of my life, rather than rush into it and risk getting divorced later on. but still. how long will i have to wait?

i have been mentioning this guy a lot for the last two months. he's a wonderful person, but there are several reasons why i could never date him. they are simple, and they are finite, so no matter what my feelings are, i've given up on him.
1. we are going to be in different parts of the country, starting in august. and long distance is asking for trouble, especially at the beginning of a relationship.
2. he doesn't want to date me anyways, he wants to date one of my best friends. and i don't really want to be someone's second choice, someone's maybe.
3. he already doesn't answer my attempts at communication, and we're just friends.
4. i know and am friends with his recent ex-girlfriend. and i would never, ever want to hurt her.

like i said, they are unbreakable rules. so i'm not going to talk about him anymore. i can't make myself stop thinking about him, that's probably true. but i just need to hang tight until i move. until i get to meet new people, maybe someone who is interested in me. i just need to keep it together for five more weeks and a couple odd days. then i'm off to the south.

yes, right now, i feel like i'm in a little over my head when it comes to love. love isn't easy. it's hard, and it takes time and effort and energy, and i'm not sure i'm in a position to have all of those to give right now. i'm barely keeping my head above water as it is... why would i want to throw something else into the mix? well. i just need to keep telling myself that. i don't have time to be dating someone this summer. so why even bother? right? haha. i wish it was truly that simple.

"the struggles make you stronger. and the changes make you wise. and happiness has its own way of taking its sweet time. no, life ain't always beautiful. tears will fall sometimes. life ain't always beautiful, but it's a beautiful ride."
--> gary allan, "life ain't always beautiful"