First, I feel I should share how I found this quote. It's from Matthew, but that's not where I found it. I found it in a different book, in a book that holds a lot of meaning to me. It's in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, quoted on the tombstone marking the graves of Dumbledore's mother and sister. So fitting, for the two things I'm about to talk about. I'm talking about treasure. And what do I treasure? Nothing material, nothing so simple as possessions. I treasure people. I treasure love. I treasure loving people. It sounds simple, but these feelings aren't always so easy to come by. That is the first thing I want to discuss.
There is, however, a second thing I treasure. I treasure emotion. I treasure feelings. And most of all, I treasure the things that get me there. I might seem materialistic sometimes; I have quite a collection of books, movies, and music. But I don't treasure these things for their values. I treasure them for what they do to me. And that's the reason Harry Potter will be relevant to this discussion.
1. People. Love. Loving people.
You might see where this is going. I've talked about it before. Family, friends, romance in looking toward the future. But this has a slightly different track. The other day, I figured out an order to things. Romantic love > family love > friendship love. Very few people fit into only one category for me, but that's ok. Family love, for me, is really solid. And I make new friends all the time, and I love them as soon as I get to know them, pretty much. If I choose to spend my time with them, there's love there. I love the great group of friends that I watch movies with in my evenings here in Holland. I love the people in my lab. I love my roommates, my class friends, my friends from home, everyone. I love everyone, unless you give me a reason not to. It's the first form of love, the highest form of love that I'm lacking. I have no romantic love in my life right now. I think it's why I'm clinging to something that isn't there. Smoke and mirrors, unrequited love. I want someone to feel as strongly for me as I feel for them. And yes, I have one person in my head right now, but that doesn't mean I'm exclusively talking about him. I'm moving soon, so there are going to be many many more opportunities heading my way very soon. My irrational fear that I'm running out of time gets the better of me sometimes. People are getting married. People are buying apartments together. People are settling down, and they're not alone. I know I'll never be alone, but I often feel isolated. I'm great at loving people, but not so great at being loved.
In this one case that I'm talking about, this one guy that I'm hooked on, there's a factor that has nothing to do with me involved. And it has made love tricky, in my head, because of my little hierarchy of love. I love him as a friend already, wishing that it would shift to romantic love, even though it mostly likely won't. He loves one of my former roommates as a friend already, probably even romantically already, but the shift isn't going to happen for him, because she chose someone else. It's tricky when love starts shifting boundaries. What do you do when you love a friend like your family and then... sigh. It's complicated.
But I treasure every minute I spend with these people. I hold those moments in my heart, because I know they are numbered. The complication is also trumped, because I am soon leaving it all behind and moving to North Carolina. This strong love that I feel has brought me to tears on several occasions this summer, but that's all right. I accept that, and I cherish it. To feel that strongly for people... some people never find that. I am holding onto that too, hoping to take these feelings with me when I move south. So much south.
2. Emotion. Feelings. Reasons for getting there.
I have watched many movies, and felt attached to the characters when it ends. I have listened to thousands of songs and felt emotionally connected to the sound and the lyrics. But books... they really do it for me. I read, and the characters become real. A single solitary novel is enough to do it... but then there are the series. The string of books with the same characters. I watch them grow up, I grow with them. They come alive for me to the point of believing, in my heart, that these people are real. And this, my friends, is where I'm going to talk about my love for Harry Potter.
I've been told that I'm a little strange. I get too attached to books, in an unhealthy way. I don't believe it's unhealthy in any way. It's not hurting anyone. My attachment to a series of books should matter to no one. My sister is especially adamant in the fact that I'm weird about Harry Potter. But I have read all seven books multiple times, and I have seen his soul. I've seen his heart, and his courage, and his love. I've read his feelings for Ginny, his feelings for Ron and Hermione. He is so real to me, because he was written so well, so completely, so whole. I feel that kind of love for people, that kind of loyalty for people. I see myself in Harry Potter, and I know that if I was ever to be sorted at Hogwarts, I'd be a Gryffindor. No questions asked. All of his adventures are addicting, but the things that really gets me, that really makes him come alive for me? Ginny. I've already mentioned it, but it's definitely Ginny.
I want a man to feel that way about me. He is described as feeling invincible with Ginny, as feeling something flutter in his stomach when she is around, and feeling intoxicated and captivated when she's near. I want someone to feel that way for me. And I know it's possible. It's so simple, but that feeling that a man might want to spend his future with me? That's what I want.
Yes, a fantasy series made me see this. That's crazy, I know. But that's me. I need revelations to come from unlikely sources. Like books. And random guy friends. And people I work with. The things that my family tell me don't usually mean anything unless I hear them from an unexpected source. But all of this is a sidenote.
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows made me more emotional than I have been in a while, but not in the way I expected. I thought I might cry at the end, but I didn't. Now I feel... empty. Like my world was taken from me. Like everything was taken from me. I know that feeling will fade, at least until I see the movie. But right now, I'm living in the shadow of Harry Potter. I wish he was real. I wish that kind of love, loyalty, courage, bravery, all of it... I wish it was real. Maybe it is. I know the love is. I love my friends like Harry does; this I know for sure. I would do anything for them. I would walk into the Forbidden Forest and sacrifice myself for them. I would do it in a heartbeat. I'm not anything special, like he is. But if I could mean that much to one person, I would have lived a happy life.
If I could be one person's world, I will have succeeded. I will know that I treasured the right things in life. I will know that my heart was in the right place. I will be fulfilled.
No comments:
Post a Comment