i think a lot of things in the recent days led me to this point. i went to the b93 birthday bash with my new gay friend yesterday, and saw some wonderful country music artists. however, it left me feeling empty. i thought it might, when i walked in and saw all of the couples, holding hands, swaying to the country music. it's something i've never been able to do. and it made me wonder... why is it that no one is interested in me? why is it that i can't find someone who wants to be with me who i want to be with too?
but then, i woke up this morning, feeling sort of blue. i've been dwelling a lot on that same guy, even though i know i shouldn't be. it's one of those situations where the more i try not to think about him, the more i think about him. ugh. frustrating. well, laundry needs to be done in my world, haha, so i pulled out my black jeggings to wear to work today. i wear bright colors when i'm feeling down, so i'm rocking a bright orange shirt and my lime green converses. i don't have a mirror in my room, because i hate looking at myself. i hate it. but then i saw myself in the mirror at work today. and... i didn't like it. the clothes were fine, that's not what i'm talking about. i mean me. i'm not happy with me. i want to change me. because these are the thoughts running through my head. well, it's no wonder he doesn't see me that way, look at me. i see why he's not answering my texts now, i mean, it's not like he's missing much. those kinds of thoughts. thoughts that have no business being in my head.
i love with everything i have, but sometimes, love just ain't enough. if i can't give a good first impression, then i will be alone. and i'm tired of being alone.
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