you only know what i want you to.

"something has changed within me. something is not the same. i'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game. too late for second guessing. too late to go back to sleep. it's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes, and leap. it's time to try defying gravity."

--> elphaba (from the musical wicked), "defying gravity"

"if a guy is treating you like he doesn't give a shit, he genuinely doesn't give a shit."

--> justin long (as alex in the movie he's just not that into you)

i was worried about all the weddings that i have in the next two years. that's pretty much what my last post was about. weddings and love, because they are obviously interconnected. but something has changed. i'm not worried or afraid anymore. why should i be? i've seen the kind of love that should exist, and watched two of my friends, who happen to have that kind of love for each other, celebrate it by getting married. it was easy. getting married was the only thing left to do. that's what i want, but i'm no longer afraid i'm not going to find it. i have a lot to look forward to. and i'm feeling calm about my love life for the first time in a very long time.

now, the second quote was what really snapped me out of my funk. i was watching he's just not that into you the other night and folding clothes. justin long said that, and i dropped what i was holding to stare at the screen. "of course," i remember thinking to myself. "it seems so obvious. guys are simple. if they are treating you like shit, in their eyes, you are. simple." which made me think of that guy i've been mentioning. he's barely been answering my texts, which means he doesn't want to talk to me. simple. why was i reading more into it? why anything? he's still an idyllic guy in my eyes, but that doesn't make it realistic. i was hung up for so long. it's stupid. i'm an idiot sometimes.

so, my funk was broken and i was a part of my friends' wedding yesterday, under blue skies and surrounded by hilarious, laughing, loving people. i'm so at peace. i can finally think about the fact that i'm moving in 5 weeks. i'm not afraid of any of it anymore, at least not right now. there is so much else to worry about. like how all of my shit is going to fit in my car. haha.

if a guy wants to be with me, he'll make it happen. that's what i have to keep reminding myself. he'll make it happen. always. so why should i be worried? i just need to be myself. it was myself that made me such wonderful friends, friends who chose me to be a part of their special day, friends who make me laugh and who i can make laugh. friends who want to stay up at night talking and giggling with me. so why wouldn't being myself help me find someone to love? it will! that's my point. i shouldn't need to try so hard. it will happen when it's meant to. always.