why is this important? because i've noticed the changes. i'm being shaped by those around me, and i'm loving the new me. the fun-loving me. the me who is spontaneous, who makes people laugh without being ashamed or embarrassed, the me who is comfortable in my own clothes and my own skin. it's taken a long time, but i got here. finally.
1. i'm a lover of lists. this isn't new, actually, but i've been finding ways of utilizing my love of lists to help structure my life. that sounds so simple, but it's true. i list out the things that i need to get done at work, or i generally don't do a whole heck of a lot. i drew out a calendar so that i had a specific schedule and would make sure that i got all of my hours in. i write emails in lists, i think in lists, i go to target with a list. i'm a bit neurotic, that's probably true. but life, when you think about it, is a big, long list. each day is a list. get up, get dressed, wash face, have breakfast, pack lunch, lock doors, walk to work, etc. i live in a list. why not utilize it?
2. i love dresses. i always knew this about myself, because i buy a lot of cute sundresses. but i never really wore them, because they don't seem appropriate in my line of work. i.e. they didn't seem practical for a chemistry lab. but my part of the project this summer doesn't have much to do with chemicals or any kind of machinery. so i've been wearing dresses to work. so far, it's been on fridays; my own little form of casual friday. they give me a kind of confidence that even my favorite pair of jeans can't give me. i can't really explain it. but i know there's one person out there in the world who understands the allure of a cute dress, and the confidence it gives a person. you know who you are, if you're reading this.
3. social drinking isn't bad. now, it's a pretty well-known fact that my teenage years are littered with memories of the horrors of drinking. fights. tears. mistakes. denial. and so, so much more. but that's drinking to get drunk. i never really knew how to distinguish the difference, because in college, that's what most people do. i thought that was all there was, and i didn't like it. but that's untrue. you don't have to drink to get drunk. it can be social, and giggly, and fun. how nice is it to drink a glass of wine with your friends while you watch harry potter and the chamber of secrets? or to sit on the stoop and watch a thunderstorm with a mike's and a coworker? this is what i'm learning. this is what my friends are teaching me. thanks, friends.
4. my dislike of touching isn't as generalized as i thought. this one might be confusing. i have always said that i don't like it when people touch me, and that has saved me from a lot of awkward encounters. but it's false. if i know a person, if i feel comfortable joking with a person and hanging out with a person and just being a person with another person, then touching isn't bad at all. it shows an intimacy with a friend that not much else can. hugs, for example, were always something i hated. but that is also false. i sometimes need to feel someone's arms around me, so that i feel centered again. so that i know i'm not going to fade to black, to drift away, to disappear into the land of forgettable people. it's what i miss most about being in a relationship. i could let it fly that i didn't like touching people, because i had that one person who could always hold me when i needed it. but now... well, i get to start over in a month, and things are going to be different then.
5. i'm terrible at being single. this also isn't news, haha. it was pointed out to me yesterday that there's a chance i'm choosing to be alone. why is this, do you ask? if you've been reading these posts, it probably doesn't look that way. but it's sort of true. i am choosing it, to an extent, because casual dating isn't my thing. i'm a relationship kind of girl. i'm the marrying kind. i'm in it because i want someone to love me, unconditionally. so i reject the people who just want to hang out, who don't have futures. i fall for the people i can see a future with, whether they see the same thing or not. it's problematic, but it was also pointed out that someday down the road (hopefully sooner than later), someone will see me the same way i see him. they'll see how much i care and they'll love me for it. one day.
maybe none of this surprises you, but if you asked me what i would be like right now at this point last year, i would not have told you any of those things. i would have probably thought i would still be with my ex, and that i would still hate being touched, hate drinking, always wear pants and tee shirts, and not realize my stress level would drop significantly if i listed all the things i need to do. life is fluid. and suddenly, i'm ok with rolling with it.
when did that happen?
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