"Our lives are made in these small hours, these little wonders, these twists and turns of fate. Time falls away, but these small hours, these small hours still remain."
--> Rob Thomas, "Little Wonders"
"Lately, you make me weaker in the knees, and race through my veins, baby, every time you're close to me. Take me away to places I ain't seen. They say you've got a hold on me, and I won't disagree."
--> Kate Voegele, "I Won't Disagree"
"You only know what I want you to. I know everything you don't want me to. Your mouth is poison. Your mouth is wine. You think your dreams are the same as mine. Oh, I don't love you, but I always will."
--> The Civil Wars, "Poison and Wine"
To whom it may concern,
My heart was probably whole once. But it has been splintered into many, many pieces over the years.
Currently, I'm sitting in my father's hotel room in Oak Brook, Illinois, waiting for Barnes and Noble to open so I can waste some time there. I have spent the last hour and a half just sitting and thinking. Thinking of time gone by, thinking of people I'm about to leave behind. And that got me to start thinking about goodbyes, and my heart, and the way I love people. I've talked about all of this before, because some things never change.
I hate goodbyes. I've said it a million times. They make me crazy. There have been too many times in my life where I've had to say goodbye to people without knowing when I'll see them again. And I hate that. I hate it so much.
It is because of these goodbyes that my heart has been broken apart. I have left bits and pieces of it all over the place, in locations I may never see again and with people who leave my life for who knows how long. There is a piece in Scotland, on the University of Aberdeen campus. There is a piece in California, with my first college roommate. There is a piece in Louisiana, with my best friend who just got married. There are pieces all over Minnesota, Wisconsin, Illinois, and Michigan, with all the people I have loved through high school and college. There's a piece in Washington DC, in the Navy Yard. There's a piece in Nashville, along the river. There's a piece in southern Virginia, where a friend of mine just started a job. And now, there's a piece in Colorado. It just keeps splintering. And it's ok. For people to have my heart, that means that I have loved them. Loving is one of my few talents.
I've also mentioned this before - I love with an intensity that scares people. It really doesn't take much for me to get attached. That's not what I'm worried about. I worry that I'm forgettable.
Maybe that's why I give little pieces of my heart away so easily. I always hope that if people have it, they won't forget about me. I don't forget people. It's part of how I love. When someone has entered my life, I love them for the rest of it. It's just what I do.
Now, I know I'm not your average person. Loving the way I do makes me different - I know that. My memory for people, for instances, for little wonders, makes me different. But is it a different that's going to stick with people? Is it something people are going to remember? Am I someone people are going to remember?
One week from today, I'll be entering my apartment in North Carolina. I'll be moving my life in there for who knows how long. I'll be starting a new life, away from everything I've ever known. And I'm afraid. I have attachments all over the country. My roots are in Red Wing, and I grew and matured in Holland. And pieces of my heart are scattered every which way. But is that enough?
I don't know how many people read my blog posts. That has never really mattered to me. I write because I love it. I write because I need it. I write because I'm good at it. But right now, I may need a little reassurance. I know people care about me. The outcry after I was called average proved that. The hugs I get when I see people prove that. The amount of weddings I've been asked to be in prove that. But right now, I'm scared. And I'm nervous. And I don't want to be forgotten.
I'm not a selfish person. I'd run myself into the ground for just about anyone. But I need a little love right now. If you're reading this, email me. Facebook me. Text me. Assure me that you won't forget me, that you want me to continue to reach out when I leave. Y'all already have my heart. I just want to know that you're not going to lose it.
Love from Chicago,
Amanda
"Hey Mama, don't forget to tell my baby sister, I'll see her in the fall. Tell Meemaw that I miss her, yeah, I should give her a call. And make sure you tell Daddy that I'm still his little girl. Yeah, I still feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be. Don't forget to remember me."
--> Carrie Underwood, "Don't Forget to Remember Me"
"Yeah, I'll move on, baby, just like you, when the desert floods and the grass turns blue. When a sailing ship don't need a moon, it will break my heart, but I'll get through. Someday when I stop loving you."
--> Carrie Underwood, "Someday When I Stop Loving You"
"To my friends in New York, I say hello. My friends in LA, they don't know where I've been for the last few years or so, Paris to China to Colorado... Oh, this has gotta be the good life. This has gotta be the good life. This could really be a good life. I say, oh, got this feeling that you can't fight, like this city is on fire tonight. This could really be a good life, a good, good life."
--> One Republic, "Good Life"
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