but we danced anyway...

Things are coming together, but inside, I have felt like I've been falling apart.

I'm well aware of how stupid that sounds. I should be getting excited to go abroad, instead of almost dreading the beginning of it. I'm torn between the life that I want to lead and the life that is unfolding in front of me. I talk big, but what I really want is much smaller, simpler. I've always said that I wanted to see the world, but I found my world, and it was in Holland the whole time. I've never been one of those people who drops everything for love--if that was the case, I would never have gone to Hope at all. But I want to right now. I want to change my mind and stay. I want to sit in my apartment with my wonderful roommate and my loving boyfriend, and I want the security in that. Like I said, it sounds stupid. Even though I've gotten my shit together, my shit is a mess. I've been a mess since Justin left on Wednesday. I know that it will get better with each day, but it seems so impossible right now. I love him, and I want to spend my life with him, and I'm so afraid that me leaving is going to tear us apart. He tells me that we can do it, and I'm sure we can. But if everything goes like we both think it will, I won't see him for almost 8 months. I counted--it's 227 days until I will see him again for RA training next fall. That's 227 of me being by myself. I don't know if I have it in me. I shouldn't have counted the days, it's only going to get more depressing. But what's done is done.

I know that when I get on that flight in 19 days, none of this will really matter anymore. I will become busy again, and these worries of mine will be pushed to the back burner. I love Justin more than anything in the world. But I know that the reason I am missing him so much right now is that I don't have anything to do. His life is moving forward--school starts for him on Tuesday. And I'm just here... not doing anything with my time except alphabetizing name ornaments at work and watching movies with my mom, and reading myself to sleep every night to keep from crying. Once everything starts again, I'll be ok. I need to be ok, or we won't survive it.

"But according to him, I'm beautiful, incredible. He can't get me out of his head. According to him, I'm funny, irresistible: everything he ever wanted... He loves me for everything I'm not..."
-->Orianthi, "According to You"

bigger dreams came from smaller things, baby.

Well. It has been a long time since I have taken the time to blog about my doings. This semester has been one of those where I fully intend to enter hibernation afterward. Yeah, it's just been one of those things. But I have some fabulous things to update about.

1. I am officially going to Scotland. I have a plane ticket and everything. It's very exciting. I haven't heard about housing or classes yet, but at least it's not up in the air anymore. I'm going, and I am sooooo excited. :)

2. I already have an internship lined up for the summer! Last year, I hadn't even thought about the summer yet, but this year, I had a plan, and stuck to it. And it paid off: I'll be interning in the Office of Biometrics and Forensics at NCIS this summer. Yeah, that's right, NCIS, like the show. At the Washington Navy Yard. In D.C. I just found out this morning, and I still can't believe it. Above all else, it's going to look great on my grad school applications. Haha.

3. I applied for a Neighborhood Coordinator position through ResLife here at Hope, and should be hearing from them about an interview pretty soon here. If I got this job, I would be golden for grad school, because I would have a way to fund it. Hopefully.

4. My grad school plans changed a little bit. I am looking less into forensic science as a whole, and more into forensic chemistry and toxicology. It really narrows down the schools that I can apply to, which helps me as well.

5. It's thanksgiving break. And it feels wonderful. I have a lot to do (2 research papers, ugh) but I get to relax for today, at least. Woot woot. Haha.

Those are my top update thingys. Things have been really crazy here, and they are not going to slow down until the semester ends. And I really want it to end. But at the same time, the sooner it ends, the sooner Justin and I are going to be apart... and now that I got this internship, it's going to be for a very long time. I'm talking January through August, unless he gets an internship somewhere out east for the summer. Because then I could at least visit him for a weekend at least once. But since he doesn't know anything yet, nothing can really be planned.

I feel like I can finally start to breathe again, at least for a little while. It feels nice. I like to breathe. :)

As always, I will try to update more often. Once I get to Scotland, I will try to make it regular, like once a week or so. But we'll see. Haha. Until next time.

say hello, say hello to a new day.

Ok, here I am, back at Hope. And it's been a crazy couple of weeks. Here is what I've learned since I've been back at school:

1. 18 credits is a lot. It may not sound like much, but I have been going nonstop ever since school started. In fact, I should be working now, but I'm taking a [small] break. Emphasis on the small...

2. Having something to look forward to can help you make it through the day. Mondays are hell. But Big Bang Theory is on at the end of the night, followed by Castle. It gets me through.

3. Couples friends are good. I've never had them before, but I like it. Then, I have someone to talk to, Justin has someone to talk to, and we're all happy. :)

4. Calculus homework takes a short lifetime to complete. I never have enough time. It's ridiculous.

5. Friday's are sacred. No homework on Friday's. It keeps me just sane enough to be able to start all over again on Saturday.

6. The smell of beer makes my muscles tense up. No, I haven't been drinking. Justin turned 21 about a week and a half ago, and he was trying some stuff at the brewery. Well, I know I'm not going to be a drinker.

7. Sometimes it's the most fun to just be one of the guys. Especially now that I'm living with 4 other girls... guys are so easy-going. And they're always funny, without the layer of drama underneath it all.

8. I was naive in high school. Beyond naive. I have learned way too many things... from my younger sister. I'm going to leave it at that.

9. Don't judge a book by its cover. Or people by their pasts. Often what is seen from the outside isn't the truth.

10. Cherish the small moments in life. I don't get to spend nearly as much time with Justin as I would like too, anymore. But I at least get to see him everyday. And next semester, I'm going to have to hold onto that.

Well, I don't have time for anything else, but I'm sure I'll keep learning a thing or two in the next couple of weeks as well. I'll try not to disappear, but I can't promise anything. Like I said, 18 credits is a lot. Oy.

are you looking for a little more?

Well, here I am, back on the Hope campus, waiting for something to happen. It's amazing how quickly I get bored. I used to think that I was someone who could be by myself, but that's not true at all. I can do it for a couple of hours here and there, but I still have at least 3 1/2 days by myself before something starts to happen. Yikes. But first, I better catch everyone up here...

I went home to Red Wing, MN on July 30th, and was there until last Saturday, August 15th. It was nice to be home, but toward the end, I was ready to come back here. Then, I spent 3 glorious days with my family and Justin before he had to leave to go home for a while. I got all moved into my new apartment, and my family just left this morning. So I have spent the last 5 hours putting everything away and trying to find something to do. I'm running out of ideas. I know I need to read some more books for my American Lit class coming up here in the fall, so maybe I'll start doing that soon here.

It was really nice to spend time with my sister and my parents, especially since that may be one of the last times that I am able to go home for more than a week or so at a time. This Christmas break I'll be home for at least 4 weeks, because the University of Aberdeen starts later than Hope does. But, now I'm getting ahead of myself. I don't have anything new to say anymore, so I will post some pictures of my adventures at home and since I've been back.

Suddenly there's beauty in the way my heart is caving in...

I am exhausted. That's all I can say about the last few weeks. I have been getting hours with Events and Conferences where I can, but it is tiring me out. I have been getting up early everyday for almost two weeks to unlock a building for a ballet camp that is at Hope... and have hardly gotten a thank you. In fact, the only thanks I've really gotten from the people working in the building itself was a note I found this morning for the regular secretary: "Please check the front door when you are opening, because the girl from Hope doesn't open the door all the way and it sticks." Wow, thanks. I appreciate that. And, yesterday, I was unceremoniously handed the key to another dorm near mine and told that I was in charge of lock-outs in there now. So I've been called three times in the last 18 hours. I mean, seriously? It's a Hope volleyball camp... meaning that they are all Hope students... don't you think they can remember their keys by now? Clearly not. It's great fun. But Sunday is hopefully going to be my last day helping ECO out, because I have to start focusing on packing up my stuff and getting ready to head home. That's a scary thought, but it's happening... I'll be in Chicago already at this time next week. At this point in the summer, I'm ready for a break. I just hope going home is a break, if that makes sense. Blah.

Other than the stress-inducing ECO business, things are looking up here. I am applying for an internship with NCIS (the real one, not the tv show... haha) in either forensic science or English, depending on what is available. I have talked to two of my past professors about writing recommendations for me for that internship, and they have both been very positive about it. I know it's a long shot, but it would be the best experience that I can really think of... especially since I really want to be like Abby! Haha. Also, though, I talked to the head of the chemistry department here, and he said that he definitely wanted to train me into his research stuff for the fall semester. I will probably spend an afternoon or two a week doing that, so that will be nice. And, he also said that I will be much more likely to get a research position that way for next summer, so that's my back-up plan. Like I said, I've been getting good news here.

Another reason I am ready to get out of this dorm room: they have been cleaning the building for the last two weeks, and no one seems to care that I live here. They're loud, they completely blocked me out of the kitchen, they caused the fire alarm to go off one day, and my smoke detector went off twice in one night for no reason. They leave stuff all over the building, they leave all the lights on (that is one of my biggest pet peeves EVER) and they are just rude. I don't know what the deal is, but a little respect would be nice, you know, since this is MY HOME for the summer. Sheesh. So, in that sense, going home will be really nice.

Well, I'm exhausted, like I have already stated, so I think I am going to take a nap before Justin comes over for lunch. Haha.

"I'm tired of breathing, tired of feeling, tired of looking at the past for meaning. Tired of running, tired of searching, tired of trying. But I'm not tired of you."
--The Exies, "Tired of You"

Oh, and the picture at the top is from last week, when Justin's parents were visiting Holland. We were at the pier in South Haven. While they were here, I caught my first fish! Haha.

that rebel moon is shining. those stars burn like diamonds.

Today was the day that I was supposed to go home. And I'm still here in Holland, because I have been able to make some money. So I decided to stay and wait it out, at least for the time being. I'm still going to go home, but this time it's as a visit, not because I epically failed. Which is good. My sister and I are planning some fun things to do at home, so it's going to be a good time.

The way I've been making money is this: I have basically volunteered to do all of the jobs in the Events and Conferences Office that no one else wants to do. Like check-in people, and put away keys, and the like. It's busy work, and I really don't mind. At least I have a slight income now... unlike last month and the month before...

Not a whole lot of excitement has happened here in the last month. Justin and I went to a Shinedown concert last Sunday, so that was our one splurge of the summer. We actually discussed it, and came to realize that we've never been on an expensive date, really. So that was it. Haha. It's one of his favorite bands, and I'm happy when he's happy, so it was a good day. Tomorrow, we're going to one of the plays that the summer theater puts on here, and I'm excited about that. Other than that, nothing much is going on in the next three weeks before I head home. Justin's parents are going to be here next week for a vacation, so we are going to get to spend some time off campus for once. That will be nice.

The only other thing is that I found some information about some internships that I'm going to try to apply for next summer. They are crime lab internships, so that's really exciting. :) I'll add more details about them later, after I get more information and what not. But now, it's time for bed.

these walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down.

Well, I am writing with zero good news, really. It's okay, though. It took me the whole of two days, but I have come to accept it. I am going home in 27 days. And I thought it would scare me... you know, that I gave up and decided to leave Holland... but it doesn't. I thought that I would be terrified about spending a full 5 weeks without Justin... but I'm really not. It's all part of the adventure. Yeah, technically I failed. The entire purpose of my summer was to find a job in Holland and make some money to pay for this place that I call home. But it hasn't happened, and I'm going home now. I'll be back in the fall.

All in all, I have utterly failed at everything that I have tried to do this summer. I have (as of now) applied for 5 jobs in the fall, if you count the RA reappointment. I have been rejected from 4 of them, and am still waiting to hear about the fifth. I applied for 15 jobs for the summer, and have either been rejected or not heard back about 14 of them. The fifteenth is the conference assistant job that allows me to live here, although I haven't actually seen a paycheck for that. And that's not counting research. It's just sad. I know it's mostly the economy, but it has led me to doubt my own ability as an employee, as a person. Justin is so sweet and tries really hard to make me believe that it's not true, but it's hard to believe anything else when nothing has happened. I know employers have to do their best too, and they have to hire the people that will help their businesses. But it makes me angry, and I'm tired of it. I am just plain tired. Although I have been helping a lot more with the conference assistant job, and will finally be seeing some payment for that this weekend. There is a big conference going on here, and I'll be helping check people in and out all weekend. It's going to be a time suck, but it's going to be the first paycheck that I've seen since school ended, so that's exciting for sure.

So, in 4 short weeks, my life is going to get packed up again and I'm going to hit the road, this time to my home for the first 18 years of my life. Someday soon I'd like to find a new home, hopefully one far away from the confines of the midwest. But for now, it's all I have. I don't know that I'm going to have anything to say until I get back into the swing of it at home, so until then...