Suddenly there's beauty in the way my heart is caving in...

I am exhausted. That's all I can say about the last few weeks. I have been getting hours with Events and Conferences where I can, but it is tiring me out. I have been getting up early everyday for almost two weeks to unlock a building for a ballet camp that is at Hope... and have hardly gotten a thank you. In fact, the only thanks I've really gotten from the people working in the building itself was a note I found this morning for the regular secretary: "Please check the front door when you are opening, because the girl from Hope doesn't open the door all the way and it sticks." Wow, thanks. I appreciate that. And, yesterday, I was unceremoniously handed the key to another dorm near mine and told that I was in charge of lock-outs in there now. So I've been called three times in the last 18 hours. I mean, seriously? It's a Hope volleyball camp... meaning that they are all Hope students... don't you think they can remember their keys by now? Clearly not. It's great fun. But Sunday is hopefully going to be my last day helping ECO out, because I have to start focusing on packing up my stuff and getting ready to head home. That's a scary thought, but it's happening... I'll be in Chicago already at this time next week. At this point in the summer, I'm ready for a break. I just hope going home is a break, if that makes sense. Blah.

Other than the stress-inducing ECO business, things are looking up here. I am applying for an internship with NCIS (the real one, not the tv show... haha) in either forensic science or English, depending on what is available. I have talked to two of my past professors about writing recommendations for me for that internship, and they have both been very positive about it. I know it's a long shot, but it would be the best experience that I can really think of... especially since I really want to be like Abby! Haha. Also, though, I talked to the head of the chemistry department here, and he said that he definitely wanted to train me into his research stuff for the fall semester. I will probably spend an afternoon or two a week doing that, so that will be nice. And, he also said that I will be much more likely to get a research position that way for next summer, so that's my back-up plan. Like I said, I've been getting good news here.

Another reason I am ready to get out of this dorm room: they have been cleaning the building for the last two weeks, and no one seems to care that I live here. They're loud, they completely blocked me out of the kitchen, they caused the fire alarm to go off one day, and my smoke detector went off twice in one night for no reason. They leave stuff all over the building, they leave all the lights on (that is one of my biggest pet peeves EVER) and they are just rude. I don't know what the deal is, but a little respect would be nice, you know, since this is MY HOME for the summer. Sheesh. So, in that sense, going home will be really nice.

Well, I'm exhausted, like I have already stated, so I think I am going to take a nap before Justin comes over for lunch. Haha.

"I'm tired of breathing, tired of feeling, tired of looking at the past for meaning. Tired of running, tired of searching, tired of trying. But I'm not tired of you."
--The Exies, "Tired of You"

Oh, and the picture at the top is from last week, when Justin's parents were visiting Holland. We were at the pier in South Haven. While they were here, I caught my first fish! Haha.

that rebel moon is shining. those stars burn like diamonds.

Today was the day that I was supposed to go home. And I'm still here in Holland, because I have been able to make some money. So I decided to stay and wait it out, at least for the time being. I'm still going to go home, but this time it's as a visit, not because I epically failed. Which is good. My sister and I are planning some fun things to do at home, so it's going to be a good time.

The way I've been making money is this: I have basically volunteered to do all of the jobs in the Events and Conferences Office that no one else wants to do. Like check-in people, and put away keys, and the like. It's busy work, and I really don't mind. At least I have a slight income now... unlike last month and the month before...

Not a whole lot of excitement has happened here in the last month. Justin and I went to a Shinedown concert last Sunday, so that was our one splurge of the summer. We actually discussed it, and came to realize that we've never been on an expensive date, really. So that was it. Haha. It's one of his favorite bands, and I'm happy when he's happy, so it was a good day. Tomorrow, we're going to one of the plays that the summer theater puts on here, and I'm excited about that. Other than that, nothing much is going on in the next three weeks before I head home. Justin's parents are going to be here next week for a vacation, so we are going to get to spend some time off campus for once. That will be nice.

The only other thing is that I found some information about some internships that I'm going to try to apply for next summer. They are crime lab internships, so that's really exciting. :) I'll add more details about them later, after I get more information and what not. But now, it's time for bed.

these walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down.

Well, I am writing with zero good news, really. It's okay, though. It took me the whole of two days, but I have come to accept it. I am going home in 27 days. And I thought it would scare me... you know, that I gave up and decided to leave Holland... but it doesn't. I thought that I would be terrified about spending a full 5 weeks without Justin... but I'm really not. It's all part of the adventure. Yeah, technically I failed. The entire purpose of my summer was to find a job in Holland and make some money to pay for this place that I call home. But it hasn't happened, and I'm going home now. I'll be back in the fall.

All in all, I have utterly failed at everything that I have tried to do this summer. I have (as of now) applied for 5 jobs in the fall, if you count the RA reappointment. I have been rejected from 4 of them, and am still waiting to hear about the fifth. I applied for 15 jobs for the summer, and have either been rejected or not heard back about 14 of them. The fifteenth is the conference assistant job that allows me to live here, although I haven't actually seen a paycheck for that. And that's not counting research. It's just sad. I know it's mostly the economy, but it has led me to doubt my own ability as an employee, as a person. Justin is so sweet and tries really hard to make me believe that it's not true, but it's hard to believe anything else when nothing has happened. I know employers have to do their best too, and they have to hire the people that will help their businesses. But it makes me angry, and I'm tired of it. I am just plain tired. Although I have been helping a lot more with the conference assistant job, and will finally be seeing some payment for that this weekend. There is a big conference going on here, and I'll be helping check people in and out all weekend. It's going to be a time suck, but it's going to be the first paycheck that I've seen since school ended, so that's exciting for sure.

So, in 4 short weeks, my life is going to get packed up again and I'm going to hit the road, this time to my home for the first 18 years of my life. Someday soon I'd like to find a new home, hopefully one far away from the confines of the midwest. But for now, it's all I have. I don't know that I'm going to have anything to say until I get back into the swing of it at home, so until then...

you've got a hold on me...

I had my interview today. I felt it went okay, but I don't want to be overly confident or anything. They said that they would get back to me, so I'm hoping I'll hear from them soon. As in, in the next couple of days. Probably not until at least Monday, though. I just want to have an income, I really don't care what it is at this point. I was just talking to my dad, and how hard it is to have all this time on my hands, but not be able to shop! And I've been trying really hard to not shop, because I need to save the money I have for school in the fall. And then for Scotland in the spring. So I'm trying to keep a balance. It's a good effort, at least. Haha.

In my spare time, the only thing that I have really been able to do is research into graduate schools, and which ones are the best deals and what not. Of all of the schools that I listed a couple of entries ago, the one that I have found is the most what I am actually looking for, within a decent price range is Virginia Commonwealth University, in Richmond, Virginia. So, that is my new first choice. Not that anyone is actually keeping track, but still...

Justin is gone for the weekend, so I have been trying to keep myself occupied with other things. I never realize how much time we spend just doing nothing... talking, cooking, reading, watching movies... until he's not here, and I have to try to do everything on my own and stay content. It's hard. There's a great line from the movie Hitch: "So how does it happen, great love? Nobody knows... but what I can tell you is that it happens in the blink of an eye. One moment you're enjoying your life, and the next you're wondering how you ever lived without them." That's my problem. It's all of the mundane, everyday things that we do together that I have trouble doing by myself. Like... washing the dishes. I always help him wash his after dinner. But... when I'm washing my own, I hate it. I don't have anyone to talk to, I don't have anyone to joke with... I'm alone. I know it's just a weekend, but I'm not talking about just this weekend. Sometimes, I don't know how I'm going to go to Scotland without him. I know I can do it, and once I get through the first week or so, I'll be fine. But I feel... empty without him. Like I'm missing part of myself. Yes, I get all of this from washing the dishes. Ha. But it's true. He's my constant companion, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Well, the only other thing that is new is that I got my hair cut on Wednesday. It's not that much different, but that's the extent of my excitement lately. Sad, huh? Haha. Hopefully I'll know if I'm employed soon. Dah. Ok, until later.

i just want to free fall for a while.

Well, Justin needs my desk for his homework, so this won't be a long post. But I got some good news today: I got my first interview. :) That's pretty sad, really, that this is the first interview that I've gotten, and I've already been here for 2 full weeks. Anyways, it's not the one that I was expecting, it's for a clothing store, and only part-time. But it's a good start, and if one of the restaurants that I have applied to calls me, then I can have two part-time jobs and make it work. Yay! Granted, this is only an interview, but still, I'm pretty pumped about it.

I'll update if I get more information. My interview isn't until next week, so for sure then. Later.

i ain't here to do anything half-way.

I went downtown again today, and turned in 5 more applications. That brings the application count up to... 11. Wow. And yet, I still don't have a job. I know, I know, I have to give it time. But I'm not sure that I am going to stay sane enough to wait to get a job. Not only do I really need money, but I really really need something to do. Going downtown has been what has been occupying my days and a lot of my thoughts. But I need some routine, I need something solid. I don't know what else to do. I was told to go back downtown after 5 tonight to check on one of the restaurants, because that's when the manager is there. So I'll be doing that tonight. And the season finale of Lost is on tonight. Clearly I need other things to do. Uggh...

We finally had a meeting for the Summer Conference Assistants today, and it wasn't anything that I didn't already know, really. Except that they aren't giving out any of our information to the conference attendees, which I didn't realize. Basically, I'm there in case of fire or something awful happening. Or if they get locked out. Haha, great. I'm an RA all over again... except not for people that I have any chance of getting to know. Yay! Haha.

I did feel a little better after going downtown this morning, though. Even though I am still complaining that I don't have a job, I know that the process has started. At this rate, by the time Justin is done with his May term classes, I'll be employed. Since he's almost half-way done already, that may not be so far off. I am really hoping to get good news tonight when I go back downtown to that one restaurant. When I turned my application in two weeks ago, they said specifically that they were hiring. And then, the second time that I went down, they said that they probably wouldn't look at applications until after Tulip Time. Well, Tulip Time is over now, it's been two weeks, and I want to get the ball rolling here. So I have to work on that. And If I don't hear anything good, I figured I would check with the other places that I submitted an application last week, and see how they are doing. There's no hurt in checking around.

The only thing I have left to work on is my essay for study abroad. Yikes, I need something to do! Later.

LATER
Well, I went downtown and talked to the person who does the hiring at said restaurant that I mentioned earlier. He was very positive. And get this... they haven't even looked at the applications yet. And there were a lot there, that's for sure. But he took down my name so that he could find mine, since I introduced myself and what not. I could be making this up, but it seems to mean a lot to employers when people are very active in their job search. I mean, that was the 3rd time that I've been in there since I turned in my application. He said that they were going to be going through the applications tonight and tomorrow and then calling to set up interviews. So, if I don't get a call in the next couple of days, I am going to be sad, that's for sure. I don't want to hold out hope, but since I have applied just about everywhere within walking distance, all I can do now is wait. I will get a job... I'm a good employee, a hard worker, how could I not get a job? Well, we will see, won't we?

you said move on, where should i go?

So, as you may have heard, I have had a lot of free time on my hands. I have been trying to be productive, and at least that's been working, for the most part. I started researching graduate schools, because my chemistry major gpa hasn't been the best, so I want to know that I have options. After looking at countless websites, I ended with 19 schools. I had to weigh the requirements and what not, and it took me the good part of a night. It worked out fine, though, because Justin did homework the whole time I was researching. Most of the schools were even east of Michigan, with a select few west of the Mississippi. Arcadia University (Glenside, PA) is my top choice, for two reasons: it is one of the few that is accredited through the FEPAC, and it is the closest to Philadelphia. Philly... well, it has several appeals, which I am not going to get into right now. I'm sure you can guess one of them. But it is also a reasonable distance from both New York City and Washington DC, and it's not one of those cities that scares me. Anyways, I have a top six list, and Arcadia is #1. The others in the top six list are: Syracuse University (Syracuse, NY), Boston University (Boston, MA), University of North Texas (Fort Worth, TX), University of New Haven (West Haven, CT), and George Washington University (Washington DC). They are all clearly going to be hard to get into, so that is why I have back ups, but I am not going to list them all now. The problem with all of these places is that they are expensive, and I am already having trouble finding a job. Oy, of all things to try to figure out right now... but I did learn something else from all of this research, which leads me to the other way that I have been spending my time...

I need a full year of general biology to get into most of these graduate schools. Which I, for some reason, thought I could get around, initially. This is my future... why would I think that I could get around that? Anyways, today I was trying to rearrange my schedule for the next two years to fit in a year of general biology. I got it to work, somehow. I thought I was going to have room to take an elective in Scotland, and then in my final semester... but I won't. I will be taking biology instead. So this is what I am going to be doing in the next two years... Well, this coming fall I will be taking physics II, calc II, Shakespeare's plays, American lit II, and criminology. 18 credits, here I come. Argh... Anyways, in the spring, while I'm in Scotland, I am planning on taking forensic chemistry, intro to the history of Scotland (counting as cultural heritage II), modes of reading (about classical stuff), and revolution to revolution: lit 1640-1750 (counting as pre-1850 lit). So I will be busy in Scotland, but the classes at least sound interesting. Then, the fall on 2010, I'll be taking biochemistry I, another pre-1850 lit class, analytical chemsitry and lab, and intro to cell bio and lab. I'll be busy, but that's the semester that Justin's going to be in Philly (oh, Philly...), so it will be better if I'm busy. And my final spring will be spent doing this: senior seminar, an American lit class, Brit lit II, and microbiology and lab. But in doing all of this, I will get two majors and all the prerequisites required for admission into most of the grad schools that I found. So, basically I've been planning my future. Haha, future...

I do have a small tidbit of good news... I contacted the head of housing about possibly being an RA my senior year after a semester abroad, and I was asking about reappointment. Well, I found out that I don't have to reapply, it can be treated as a reappointment, since I am currently an RA. This is exciting for me, because I have always wanted to live in a cottage (or, you know, a really nice apartment. Haha). So, although I still don't have a job and am running out of productive things to do with my time, I may have a set job for my senior year again. :) This small thing makes me smile.

Well, that's all I have. Now, because I am who I am, I am going to list the other schools that offer a master's degree in forensic science... well, the other schools that I am considering. I don't want to call them safety schools, per se, because this is a completely different game than applying for undergrad...
Chaminade University (Honolulu, HI)
Towson University (Towson, MD)
John Jay College of Criminal Justice (New York, NY)
Pace University (New York, NY)
Virginia Commonwealth University (Richmond, VA)
Florida International University (Miami, FL)
Marshall University (Huntington, WV)
Nebraska Wesleyan University (Lincoln, NE)
Southeast Missouri State University (Cape Girardeau, MO)
University of Central Oklahoma (Edmond, OK)
California State University (Fresno, CA)
University of Alabama (Birmingham, AL)
Southern Utah University (Cedar City, UT)