every day is a revolution.

so apparently there was some news about neutrinos last week. maybe they move faster than the speed of light. or, maybe they don't. last fall, some crazies thought there were arsenic-based life forms living in volcanic lakes or something. and that was false. but still.

the new york times wrote an article about it. and xkcd did a comic about it. so this is big news.

it has made me realize how dynamic life is. it's always changing. every day is a revolution.

things are happening all the time. for example, i have decided to return to hope college for homecoming in a short 2 1/2 weeks. crazy, right? but i've decided something.

my classes are picking up. i added two new ones this week, and i need to give a presentation in journal club on tuesday. i'm going to need to really buckle down in these next two and a half weeks. i need to do well. and i'm interested in this stuff, mostly. so. here i go.

i'm going to disappear for the next two and a half weeks. maybe then people will miss me enough to be really excited to see me. hopefully.

well, all i have to say is... welcome to the future.

you find your faith has been lost and shaken.

i have always had a little trouble putting a name on my faith. i was raised catholic, and still identify with that, because it's all i've ever known. but i have this analytical mind that causes me to question a lot of things about religion. so i've... well, sort of stopped identifying with a specific religion, per se. i'm a christian, and i always will be a christian. however... i don't find god at church. i've never understood that. he's everywhere. i find him everywhere.

i find him on the roads, as i drive around winston-salem. every time i see a certain kind of car, i know someone's looking out for me. i followed someone driving that kind of car through the worst part of a downpour on friday, as i traveled north to washington dc. people can call me crazy if they want to. but it's comforting to me to see these vehicles. to me, they are perseverance. they are faith in something that doesn't always make sense. isn't that what religion is?

i find him on the radio. god, in my opinion, knows what i need to hear. this morning, i needed to hear jason aldean, and that's what he played. and several times during my drive, he's played "gotta have faith" for me. and what is more fitting than that?

mostly, though, i find him in country music. i've always wondered about the people at the gathering at hope college who feel compelled to throw their hands in the air. i know it was in praise for the lord. but i never understood why they felt the need to do that. i loved the gathering, but not that much. i didn't know what to do with those people. that sounds like i'm lumping everyone together, and i apologize for that. but this weekend, i began to understand. brad paisley was onstage, and my hands went up on their own. because my faith shows its true colors in country music.

i don't know why. but i don't feel like it needs to be explained. other people find faith in church. in prayer. in the bible. in gospel music. why does this have to be any different?

country brings me back to my roots. to watching cmt in the afternoons with my daddy when i was little. to singing along with the radio while my dad worked on the house. to middle school, when i was so grossly misunderstood. to holland, when i rediscovered it when i needed to heal the most. country music revives me. it makes me believe that i can be better. it makes me laugh, and cry, and love so deeply.

this is what i'm talking about.

country is faith. country is hope. and country is love.

"you're not supposed to say the word cancer in a song. and telling folks that jesus is the answer can rub them wrong. it ain't hip to sing about tractors, trucks, little towns, and mama, yeah, that might be true. but this is country music, and we do. do you like to drink a cold one on the weekends and get a little loud? do you want to say i'm sorry or i love you, but you don't know how? do you wish somebody had the nerve to tell that stupid boss of yours to shove it, next time he yells at you? this is country music, and we do."

--> brad paisley, "this is country music"

Why grad school exams suck

An editorial by Amanda Gernentz

Maybe I was spoiled in undergrad. I loved Hope College, and it is pretty easy to see that the professors there love their students. Exams, in most classes, just seemed like a way to prove that learning had taken place. Yes, they counted for the majority of the grades earned in the courses, but there were so many ways that the professors helped the students beforehand and during. They made sure that the students were prepared. And they allowed questions, if there was confusion. Yes, I was probably spoiled at Hope College. But this is just ridiculous.

We were told that we couldn't ask the professors about the exam ahead of time. I understand that - it seemed like it hadn't been written yet until a couple of days ago. And I can see where that would get old, having to field the same questions over and over again. I'm sure a good majority of students just wanted to know what to study. However, some of us truly just wanted to know how the exam was going to be structured, and didn't care if the professors wouldn't tell us specifically what was on it. That did not matter to them - they would not even hear the questions. They gave us no indication of how it was going to be structured ahead of time. They said we could bring a calculator, and that was it. Well, cripes. That is soooo helpful. Thanks.

But none of this is the reason why I'm angry. I am angry because the proctor/professor would not field any questions during the exam either. Again, I understand that if a student does not understand a concept at this point, they are pretty much doomed. But I had a very pressing question during the exam. One of the choices was grammatically incorrect. And I mean, it was bad. I couldn't even figure out what they were trying to say. There was either an extra word or it was missing a word. Either way, I had no idea. So, I went to the front. Before I even opened my mouth, the professor proclaimed "I'm not answering any questions about the exam!" Loud enough so everyone thought I was an idiot, since he already said that. Of course. But I asked anyways. I just said "I don't need help, but there's something wrong with this question choice. It doesn't make sense." He looked at it for about half a second before saying "I don't know, do your best, sit back down." Seriously?

So I circled it. After reading through it about eight times, I'm pretty sure it had an extra word. It was a proper sentence if I took one of the words out. But I circled it and marked all over it and made sure that they knew my displeasure with their lack of proofreading. How rude. I mean, it's fine if you don't want to answer questions during the exam. I've always found that distracting anyways. But seriously. If you're going to be a stickler, at least hire a fucking copy editor so that your exam questions are grammatically correct.

Who the hell can I talk to about this? It needs to be fixed, or this grad student is going to take her English minor and petition to copy edit all exams from this day forward. Wait... can I do that? That would solve a whole slew of problems. Hmm.

Amanda is currently seething at her cubicle in the graduate student office. She has 39 minutes before she must interact with her supervisor, so hopefully she'll cool down by then. In the meantime, she's singing Eric Church's "Drink in My Hand" and wishing she had a drink in her hand.

love the one you're with.

i have always had strong reactions to multimedia - books, movies, tv shows, music. something about it makes me feel things that normal life isn't ever able to get me to feel. i'm not sure if this is a bad thing. i've never taken the time to analyze why i get so attached to fiction. but it's just something i do. i feel emotions so strong that it sometimes affects my life.

and right now, i'm pissed.

i just finished the book "love the one you're with," by emily griffin. she is the author who wrote "something borrowed" and "something blue," both of which i liked, because they put interesting spins on situations where people usually feel little sympathy. most notably, infidelity. i think this is her newest book, recently released. in any case, it made me feel angrier than i have felt in a very long time.

it's not a very hard story to explain. a woman, ellen, is recently married to a successful lawyer from a wealthy atlanta family, who also happens to be her best friend's brother. his name is andy. one day, she randomly runs into her ex, leo, with whom she had a very turbulent and intense two year relationship before she started dating andy. the book is entirely about her internal struggle to not feel like she settled when she married andy, because leo was so much more passionate than andy. or whatever. it doesn't even matter, because it fucking pissed me off.

here is what i have always believed. and, incidentally, it's the title of the book: love the one you're with. those are not the words i would have used, but it means the same thing. cheating, above anything else, makes me completely lose all respect i ever held for people. there is no excuse for cheating. and i will explain why i think this after this little sidenote.

i mentioned that emily griffin wrote in a way that made me feel something other than utter hatred for people who had committed infidelity. that still stands. however, there are so many other answers besides cheating. the person in the relationship should have ended said relationship before he started a new one. for instance.

there are so many people in the world who are without love. last summer, i was in a similar situation as ellen. i was dating someone, but probably shouldn't have been anymore. and then someone new came into my life, and i was smitten. it was a mess, needless to say. but there was no infidelity. even though i didn't want to be in a relationship with my now ex-boyfriend anymore, i had enough respect for him that i could never have cheated on him. to this day, over a year after the relationship ended, i believe that what we had was perfect while we were together. i still hold a little bit of love for him in my heart. and i respect him deeply, because i knew who he was and loved him for it. my point is this: i think cheating is the most selfish act someone can commit. in my head, it is saying that you are selfish enough to take more than one person's love. you can't choose, so you can't share. maybe this only makes sense to me. but my point is simple - cheating is cowardly, and selfish, and despicable. and unforgivable.

i'm a very forgivable person. but i would have a lot of trouble even looking a cheater in the eye, let alone forgiving that person for his actions. that kind of disrespect, of hurt, cancels out love. it wouldn't matter how much love i had for that person. if he cheated on me, it would be the end. i believe that i deserve the best. i may not have found him yet, but i believe that for myself. and when i finally make a lifelong commitment with someone, that's exactly what it will be. i'd rather be alone than live with having cheated on someone.

that's my line in the sand. there's nothing else to it.

now, to be fair, i've been on the other side of it too. there was a time, not long ago, when a couple of friends of mine told me these simple words: "if you tried, you could break up his relationship." in that moment, i remember hearing a rushing sound in my ears. my feelings became instantly conflicted. i enjoyed this particular person's company, and there was a lot of harmless flirtation going on when we were together. but i had always been aware of that line in the sand. he was in a relationship, so the most we could ever be is friends. it wasn't something that ever really bothered me. i was leaving michigan soon after this anyways. but as soon as those words were spoken, things started to shift. i pictured myself with a scarlet letter. words like "whore" and "harlot" crossed my mind - and this is ridiculous, because nothing had ever happened between us. he was one of my best friends. and i couldn't imagine hurting him in any way - or his girlfriend either, who i had never met.

my point is this - i think things can stop on either side of the situation. let's be real here. i'm an idiot, and if this friend who i just mentioned is reading this, he has to agree with me. i'm not a whore. i'm not a harlot. because he was able to do the seemingly impossible - he somehow kept true to that line in the sand while maintaining our friendship as though nothing had changed, even though i emailed him one night, thinking i was changing everything. i'm an idiot, but that doesn't matter. because i'm a lovable idiot.

infidelity can always be helped. and if you're with someone and love them, don't tempt the fates. everyone deserves to be loved, so share the love! love the one you're with, and let someone else love the outliers. it's that simple. cheaters never win, and winners never cheat. it's as true in relationships as it is in sports.

"well, i'll roll with her, so she won't get hurt. here it is, i'll lay it out for you. here it is, i'm telling you the truth. hey alli, i'm falling faster all the time. hey alli, take this heart of mine. i'm in too deep. i fall to my knees. she's the girl of my dreams."

--> runner runner, "hey alli"

sometimes, you just need to be hugged.

i am discouraged.

simple. straight to the point. that's how i am, usually. people always say that girls are complicated, but i disagree. maybe some girls are complicated, but i'm easy to figure out. i laugh when things are funny. i smile when i'm happy. i'm sassy and snarky when someone annoys me. and i'm sarcastic 100% of the time. it doesn't take much for me to like people, and i'm pretty forgiving when it comes to mistakes. what does this have to do with anything?

right now, i am discouraged.

classes aren't going as well as i had hoped. i am not sure what i was expecting, since undergrad was never easy for me. i think i was just assuming i'd be super motivated to do work when i got here, since this is grad school and all. but that hasn't been the case. i spend most of my time missing my friends at home, missing the lab i did research in at hope, missing everything i left behind. i'm having trouble adjusting here. i think it is in part because i do not want to adjust to living here full time. because if i do that, then it's accepting the fact that i'm not sure when i'll see my friends again after january. i was doing fine, i thought. my head was solidly above water, and though i was pretty stressed, i wasn't worried. i just... didn't care enough to worry, i guess. how awful does that sound?

well, as it turns out, i'm made of glass. i had a little crack in me, but i was still pretty solid. it would have taken quite a jarring event to break me. i had experienced a bad date, loneliness, hope-sickness, a hurricane, an earthquake, paperwork up the wah-zoo, and the stress of starting a phd program, all with that crack in me. i stayed intact. well, then i got jarred.

yesterday, after sitting through yet another meeting about classes i can't forget to go to, more work i need to do, there was a picnic. i was having a good time - free food, interesting people. i was walking to the table to get ice cream when i was approached by one of the higher-ups in the program. she didn't understand how i did so poorly on my assignment. she said she was heartbroken that i didn't go to her for help. and that was all it took. i could feel the tears burning in my eyes, but i blinked them back. the crack was splitting wide, revealing the actual state of my existence - which is a broken person, a lost person, someone who isn't even sure this is where she belongs. i'm struggling. and i'm alone in it.

what i need is a hug from someone familiar. the best feeling in the world is for someone to know you and to love you despite knowing who you are. i left all of those people up north. i think of the goodbyes i had with the people i love the most. i gave a lot of hugs, because i was going to miss a lot of people. but two hugs stick out in my mind - from two of my best friends from lab this summer. first, from my best companion, the person i clicked with more quickly than anyone else i'm still currently friends with. i was at a wedding, and he came to say goodbye to me anyways. his leaving set my world spinning uncontrollably, because that meant that i was soon going to be leaving as well. but when he held his arms out and i fell into them, i felt grounded again. he squeezed enough to take the breath from my lungs, and i felt tears about to break the surface. that is the kind of hug i need right now. i would drive just about any distance to feel that again, even for a couple of seconds. the second hug was different. my friend refused to say goodbye, because she said she'd see me again. she left the room, and i stood there, feeling small and alone. then she came back into the room like a windstorm, catching me in her flurry of movement, pulling me in for a quick squeeze and then leaving as unexpectedly as she came in. the tears fell that day. because i felt warm and loved and knew it wasn't really goodbye, even though it felt like it.

both of those hugs were over a month ago. i haven't had a hug since my mom left me after i moved here. i need one. i need the steadiness, i need to be grounded. i want to cry, get it all out so that i can start over again. and i need to stop spinning on my axis.

two things are going to get me through to january, when i can hug these people again.

1. skype. sometimes, it's all that keeps me from crawling into bed forever. because if people can see me, then i have a reason to not look like a scrub.

2. fasthockey.com. because i can watch hope, i can watch one of my best friends, i can get involved in a sport i love, and i can feel connected. hockey, ice, the smell of an arena - that's home for me. even if i can't smell it, can't feel the atmosphere, i'll know it's there. only 44 days.

until then, i'm going to try to get back on track. do my work. study. concentrate. do what i came here to do. meet with this professor who set the crack in motion. try to fix what i've already messed up. i can do it. get set, go.

american honey.

"she grew up on the side of the road. where the church bells ring and strong love grows. she grew up good. she grew up slow, like american honey. steady as a preacher, free as a weed. couldn't wait to get going, but wasn't quite ready to leave. so innocent, pure and sweet. like american honey. there's a wild, wild whisper blowing in the wind, calling out my name like a long lost friend. oh, i miss those days at the years go by. oh, nothing's sweeter than summertime, and american honey."

--> lady antebellum, "american honey"

i have been thinking about my life in the last several days. about what has led me to where i am right now. it seems really deep, but it's actually been simple.

life events might seem really random as they are happening to you. but that isn't the case. i learned in my novel class last spring that if a bunch of things happen in row, readers are going to assume they are connected. for instance - if there is a tornado, and then someone's house is destroyed, and that someone moves to a different city - people are going to assume that event a caused event b, which in turn caused event c. that's life. now, it's a little more confusing if the story goes more like this - i break up with my long-term boyfriend, then i find out i have vertigo, then i get really depressed, then i apply to grad schools, then i decide to live my life to the fullest, then i move to the south. haha. i'm pretty sure my breakup didn't cause my vertigo; i'm positive the vertigo didn't cause the depression; the depression did not make me apply to grad schools; and so forth. but as a whole, the events of my life were not entirely random. they led me here.

"for every stoplight i didn't make. every chance i did or i didn't take. all the nights i went too far. all the girls who broke my heart. all the doors that i had to close. all the things i knew, but i didn't know. thank god for all i missed, because it led me here to this."

--> darius rucker, "this"

here i sit, at my cluttered ikea desk, on a new thinkpad computer. behind me is a full size bed covered in green leafy sheets and a green and white comforter. so my left is a walk in closet filled with my clothes. to my right is a nightstand piled high with an alarm clock, a green lamp, my soon to be well-worn copy of the hunger games, and a biochemistry book. i'm in north carolina. i'm in my apartment. i live here, in this place so far from home. and yes, it's been hard. adjusting isn't my strong suit. a couple of entries ago, i compared it to putting my gear on right side first - an analogy of routine that i got from a good friend of mine. that's what i'm looking for - that routine. it's coming. once my classes get underway, i'm going to feel like it's college all over again, but with more lab, less working meaningless jobs, and more intense classes. oy.

i haven't been homesick for minnesota. that makes me sound terrible, but listen. minnesota will always be my home. i've never missed it, because i've always been able to claim that as home. my license plates were minnesota. my driver's license was minnesota. i'll always be a twins fan, i'll always hate the packers, i'll always knock iowa. i'll always be able to skate with more grace than i walk. i will always be able to say with pride that i grew up on the banks of the mississippi, and that red wing shoes are manufactured in my hometown. my family is still there. there will always be a reason for me to go back, if and when i miss it. my ties to minnesota are and always will be strong. so no, i haven't been homesick for red wing. i've already been away for 4 years. and i go back, a couple times a year, and remember why i feel privileged to have grown up there.

i'm homesick for hope college. i miss michigan, because soon, i'll have close to no ties to that place. my friends who are still there will graduate and leave as well. that campus was my home for 4 years - 4 amazing, emotional, extremely challenging and rewarding years. if i could be anywhere in the world right now, i would choose dr. peaslee's lab in the middle of july. that was when we were the closest as a lab group - before the worries that came from moving and leaving and forgetting. i will never forget that place, but i have a depressingly exceptional memory for events, and people. everything that i am right now - grad school, especially - is because of hope. i'd be nowhere without hope. most of the friends that i keep in contact with, i met there. i loved it there. i'll be back maybe once more. i'm planning a trip in january, to see everyone that i associate with that place just one more time. after that... there will be nothing left for me in michigan, except for the smattering of friends in places other than holland - wherever they end up settling. many of them will leave. i did.

hope college, to me, is american honey. when i hear that whisper in the wind, i know it's calling me back to hope. hope - where i grew up, where i lost myself and then found it again, where i made mistakes, and had those nights where i went too far, and took some chances and passed on others. where i met so many of the amazing people in my life. where my soul is, right now. i am going to wager a guess that a little part of my soul is always going to be on hope's campus: under the shade of the trees in the pine grove, at the base of the granite of the chapel, flitting among the vials of sediment in lab, and floating through the throngs of students in the kletz. it's where i belong. and maybe, someday, i'll belong here too. but i know this for certain:

when i find this elusive man of my dreams, the one that people keep telling me will come along in time, the one i just need to be a little more patient for - i'm going to take him to two places in the north. i'll take him to minnesota, because my family is there, my roots are there, and target field is there. but i'll also take him to holland, michigan. because while i never officially became a michigander, my soul still wanders the criss-crossing sidewalks of the campus of hope. and if someone wants to spend his life with me, he's going to need to know where my heart is, and why i am the way i am. it's because of hope. i'm still am, and always will be, anchored in hope.

"we're not done yet, not going quietly into the night, not me and my friends. we're not done yet, don't take it too seriously. it's just life, we'll win in the end."

--> superchic[k], "not done yet"

"we're a family."

i know i'm loved. that is not in question here.

i feel myself regressing. back to where i was in the fall. back to when i wasn't sure the day to day was worth the pain. back to when i didn't have so many people to lean on, to when i got through each day by planning out what i was going to watch on tv that night. i was a recluse. and i am feeling that way yet again. only this time, i can feel it coming. this time, i have a huge support system behind me.

the problem here is that my support system is 700+ miles away. north, way north, on the other side of a "mountain" range and the mason-dixon line. words are all right. they are comforting for the time being. emails from friends, texts, chats - they help me get by, because i know i'm not alone. however... it's not enough.

i need to see people's faces. everyone keeps saying "let's talk tomorrow," and then tomorrow comes and goes with the promise of talking tomorrow. i wish people could see what i know about life. sometimes there are no tomorrows. we're not promised a tomorrow. i've been on that borderline. i've flirted with not wanting a tomorrow. i want it now, and i can see that i'm falling, yet again, into the hole where the tomorrows all blur together into darkness. i don't want it to happen, but the thing about holes is that i don't have a choice. gravity happens. i am so often the victim of gravity.

i hate this. it is coming at the tail end of a perfect summer. i don't have time to feel this way. i have too much to do. i have homework to do and papers to read and insurance to buy and license plates to transfer and a life to live. but none of that matters, once i begin approaching the hole. all i can do is stand there, and stare into the darkness. i'm immobile. i can't concentrate. all i ever think about is how alone i feel, and how much better it would be if i could just go to sleep and not think about it anymore.

everything about this place is perfect except for me. everyone here is upbeat and ready to begin, and they think i am too. but they have no idea, because they don't know me. i wish the summer could have gone on forever. the summer where people saw me and accepted who i was. i never felt pressured or like i wasn't good enough. i only felt love. and family.

my favorite scene in the movie "miracle" is an obscure one. i'm sure most people would point to the game where they beat the soviets, or the locker room speech, or the drill they repeated until eruzione says he plays for the united states, and not boston university. but my favorite is none of those scenes. my favorite comes a little over halfway through the movie. herb brooks brought in the all-star from the university of minnesota, and he's meshing well with the team and scoring a lot and being awesome, basically. but the other guys don't like it. four brave souls pull brooks aside and try to explain it to him. one guy says it's crazy how late harrier was brought in. the others sputter, not sure what to say to their hard-ass of a coach. but then mark johnson, the starting center, says they are a family. and that is what convinces brooks to, once again, let harrier go. because the team who eventually goes on to win the gold medal considers themselves a family.

this summer, i acquired another family. a lab family. a family of scientists, colleagues, and friends. this family has a hold on my heart in a way that i can't quite explain. but without them, i'm floundering. it seems a bit ridiculous, i'm sure. i knew them for 10 weeks. you can't make a family in 10 weeks.

yes, you can. i did. after the roller coaster of a year i had, this summer meant stability. i knew exactly who i was going to encounter when i walked into the lab in the morning. i knew that they would have my back, laugh at my jokes, hug me if i needed it and smack me if i deserved it. i've always been one to get tired of being with the same people all the time. but i never got tired of being with my new family. and now... now i'm lost without them.

none of them read this on their own. over the summer, i liked it that way. i didn't want that to change, because this was my space. but now, i need them. i need them to tell me they'll run with me. because without them, i'm not sure i can run at all. i know i can do this. i know i will be just fine in grad school, in this place so far from home. i'm just not sure i can do it alone.

don't leave me alone.

"are you looking for a little more than this hold-you-down, broken town? better leave now, or you'll never know. how far do you want to go? i can be the one. you can be mine, too. we can run away, disappear, get the hell out of here. tell me you'll come with me. tell me you'll run with me. tell me you love me. how far do you want to go?"

--> gloriana, "how far do you want to go"

"this life is full of choices. it's hard to make one with all the voices in my head. those blue eyes that i'm in love with, or that highway. whichever i pick, there'll be regrets. if i go one way, i lose everything. if i go the other way, same thing. i'm torn, and it's tearing me apart. i want to go, but i don't want to break her heart. like a sword with a double edge blade, it's gonna cut deep either way. this little town, or that big old world. chase the dream, or keep the girl."

--> jason aldean, "keep the girl"

"when you figure out love is all that matters after all, it sure makes everything else seem so small."

--> carrie underwood, "so small"

"we come here with nothing, and take it with us the day we leave. the first and last breath don't matter. it's all the ones that are in between. it's the reason for living. it's the reason the caged bird sings. it's why we sit in the movies all the way to the closing scenes. from the beginning, we're all looking for a happy ending."

--> sugarland, "happy ending"

"there's only us. there's only this. forget regret, or life is yours to miss. no other road. no other way. no day but today."

--> rent, "another day"

"i believe in music like some people believe in fairy tales."

--> august rush

"mayday. somebody save me now. i'm cutting all ties to the world outside, because it's over my head. it's all coming undone. i'm falling apart somehow. i'm closing my eyes, because once the sun rises, it's out of my hands."

--> david cook, "circadian"