It started with a wonderful trip out to Arizona to interview with the U of A School of Pharmacy last weekend. I met someone whose whole family has gone to Hope. Her cousin is in one of my classes. Crazy, right? I thought so. Then I came back, and I have been exhausted ever since. But that's not the end of the interesting-ness this week.
I have been in contact with the new girlfriend. Yes, those of you who know me are probably cringing a little bit, because I have been known to make that mistake (it was one time, people!). But this wasn't even me. It's funny, now that the roles have been reversed. I'm the one who looks pathetic, who looks like I'm hanging on to smoke and mirrors. Well, that's what she seems to think. The best part is this. I don't give a damn. Wait for it...
"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn." -->Rhett Butler, Gone with the Wind
Man, that's what I should have said to her. Haha. Anyways, I have been trying to look at it from a different perspective. From her perspective. And I see it. I see why she thinks the way she does. If she had contacted me last semester, she would have been right. But she waited too long. Now she's only seeing what she wants to see.
She asked me to stop writing about her and him in my blogs. I laughed out loud at the request, because it's so incredibly ridiculous. No one is forcing her to read them, right? I have never mentioned her by name. And so few people read this that it really doesn't matter. I told her, straight up, that I'm not going to stop writing. To ask me to stop writing is like asking him to stop listening to music, or my roommate to stop talking to her fiance on the phone everyday, or my dad to stop watching espn. It's just not going to happen.
Speaking of writing... I FINISHED MY NOVEL! Yep. It's pretty exciting. I'm not going to go so far as to say it's any good, but I like it. And I got to take out all of my frustration, my anger, my pent-up emotion out on characters that aren't real, so I'm not really hurting anyone. It's the best kind of release there is.
Something else interesting happened this week. It was yesterday in Senior Sem. We were talking about the dichotomies in one of the books we're reading, and this was one of them:
"Would you rather pursue your dreams and be alone, or give up on your dreams and be around a community of supporters?"
It was tough for me, and I tried to hover in the middle. I started thinking about my year... and that's what I did. I decided it was better to pursue my dreams alone than to try to make it all work. In the end, I had to choose between giving up the dream or giving up the relationship. I probably could have made them both work, but I didn't stick around to try hard enough. I didn't say any of that in class. What I said was this: "I feel like I'm at this crossroads in my life, because the grad schools that I've gotten into are across the country from where my family is. So in order to pursue my dreams, I'm going to be alone, even though that isn't what I would prefer." And the most interesting thing happened. Someone looked me in the eye and said "you don't have to go to graduate school." I was shocked. I had never thought about that before. I think I responded with "yeah, but then I would be giving up." I don't really remember. But I will never forget what he said. I emailed him after class and asked to pick his brain a little about his beliefs and what not, and he hasn't responded. That's ok. I think that was enough. It made me think about my life and my choices. And that's what I had wanted all along, right?
Well, since I finished my novel today, I'm a little tired. So I'm signing off. But I'll leave you with the latest Darius Rucker single.
"For all the stoplights I didn't make. Every chance I did or didn't take. All the nights I went too far. All the [guys] that broke my heart. All the doors that I had to close. All the things I knew but I didn't know. Thank God for all I missed, because it led me here to this."
--> Darius Rucker, "This"
P.S. My novel is called "Fire and Ice." That's why the blog is titled that. :)
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