therapeutic healing

"Ooh, this could get messy. But you don't seem to mind. Ooh, don't go telling everybody. Let's overlook this supposed crime. We'll flash forward to a few years later. No one knows except the both of us. I have honored your request for silence. You've washed your hands clean of this."

--> Alanis Morrisette, "Hands Clean"

Something interesting happened last night. I have proof that I have healed.

Part of me wishes I knew what she was doing, but the majority of me truly doesn't give a damn. After I mentioned I saw some pictures posted of him and her over Christmas break, I found out that she blocked me on facebook. I was pissed, actually, because I felt like she was being unfair to me in thinking that I was still holding on to something that is clearly in the past now. Or that I was obnoxiously obsessed with her. But, I moved forward. I tried to reconcile by sending her a nice email, in which she actually responded. I felt the response was a little bit like she was dangling him in front of me, but I have also moved past that. None of it matters. Anyways, last night, something of his popped up on my newsfeed, and I clicked on it, and saw that she was back. She must have unblocked me. And I didn't feel anything at all. There were some pictures of winter fantasia, and I actually smiled when I saw how happy he looked.

The funniest part about it was I made an offhand comment to my roommate, something along the lines of "huh, she must have unblocked me." And right away, she started tearing both of them down. I sort of smiled. She's so like my sister, my beautiful sister who would beat up anyone in the world for me. Who would tear down anyone who ever tried to hurt me. I appreciated the sentiment, but I truly didn't need it. I was fine. I am fine.

So this is healing. This is what it feels like to be ok again, to feel like the world is steady again, and that I have a place in it. I have found a peace about it, and I have moved on. Yes, there are still things left unsaid between me and him, but I guess that's where they have to be left in order for him to be able to move forward with this new relationship he's in. I think, right now, I would be perfectly fine if I saw him again. It would be like greeting an old friend, someone who used to know everything about me, but now doesn't know me at all. He seems to think that not wishing me a happy birthday is a way for him to prove his dominance, that he "won" in this break up. He didn't win. If he had truly won, he wouldn't have had any trouble telling me to have a good day. Right now, I think I'm winning this one. I'm happy, and I don't need a man for that. Go figure.

We just read "A Grief Observed" in my Senior Seminar. This blog, starting in August and going through January, was my grief observed. I was able to chronicle going through the stages of grief, and the constant cycling involved. Not many people can say that.

I leave for Tucson in the morning for my last scheduled interview. I am smiling to myself as I write this, because I know that I will be just fine by myself in a different state for the next 4 days. That's who I am. Somehow, that notion got lost with him. But, that was who I needed to be during that time. Everything happens for a reason, right? The reason, in this case, just hasn't been revealed to me yet.