Being single and a senior in college sucks.
Maybe it's me. Maybe it's Hope. Or maybe it's a little of both. But this is my conundrum. I feel like I can't form crushes anymore. I will be sitting in class, or in the library, or at some event, and I'll catch someone's eye. Or I'll notice that a guy is particularly good looking. And then I'll try to figure out who he is, or find him on facebook or something. And then one of two things happens:
1. He's my age, but has been in a relationship for years and years and is on the verge of proposing.
2. He's a freshman.
Explanation for why the last one is a thing: I have nothing against freshmen. But in just over two months, I'm going to be leaving and graduating. We are already in different places in our lives, and next year, I won't even be in the state. I have found, through group projects and other things this year, that underclassmen are fun. They aren't to the point of worrying about where they're going to live when they graduate, or if they will ever get married, or if they are destined to die alone. (Possibly a slight exaggeration...) In any case...
It's been frustrating. One of my friends just wrote a blog about her lack of a crush on anyone. I am feeling similarly right now, sort of. It's a little different because everytime I begin to form a crush, something changes my mind. It's terrible.
I have realized since we broke up that I've never been asked on date. I feel like a little something is missing, and I would like that to change. But I guess I'm going to have to suck it up until I get somewhere new. And I'm going to have to work on my thing, as well. My fatal flaw.
I was talking to one of my friends the other night, and asked him what it was about me that seemed to scare guys away. I figure, it's got to be something. I don't think I'm a beautiful person, but I'm nice, and I care about people, and I'm (decently) funny, and I'm friendly. So what is it about me that is keeping men at bay? And he told me. Haha. He told me what it most likely was. I'm not sure what to do with the information, but I guess being aware of it is the first step.
He said I was too intense. I feel everything too strongly and I'm impatient and careful and meticulous. He said those qualities intimidate guys, and that's probably what I'm noticing. I'm glad he told me, but it still makes me a little sad. I don't want to be scary. Hell, I just want to be normal. My dad always used to tell me that I was intimidating to guys, too. He said guys didn't like it when girls were smarter than them, especially when girls (like me) weren't afraid to point it out. When I would cry because yet another guy rejected me, my dad would tell me that one day, someone wouldn't be so afraid of those things. They would see me as an equal, and be comfortable with that.
Not so, apparently. I went to a school where I'm no longer the smartest person in a room, and guys are still leaving me alone. What am I doing wrong? I guess I'm being to intensely myself. Cripes.
I guess I understand it now. I understand why he didn't want to stay single, why he wants the support of one person, even when he's still healing. Luckily for him, he's a guy. It's ok that he's intense, and smarter than everyone, and all of his other flaws. I loved him for all of those things, and I'm sure his new girlfriend does, too. I guess I got lucky that he loved me at all, because I seem to be so repulsive.
I'm sorry I'm strong. I'm sorry I can take care of myself. I'm sorry I plan every aspect of my life. I'm sorry I feel everything through a magnifying glass. I'm sorry I'm meticulous about detail, and that I don't like loose ends, and that I have all these weird quirks. It's who I am. We were talking in senior sem today about the difference between a relationship and a hookup. My first thought was that a hookup would never happen for me even if I wanted it too. I'm too quirky. People benefit from getting to know me, because I don't give the best first impressions. I guess it's like that. No one takes the time to get through the quirks.
I hope someone does one day.
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