There are several things that have been bothering me. There are some obvious ones, and some less obvious ones.
On the more obvious side, he's pretty much dating someone else already. Although, that isn't bothering me in itself. I knew that would happen. But, when we talked on Friday, he said some things that leave me feeling like there is less and less closure the farther away I get from it.
The problem lies in the fact that I never believed he was coming back until our mutual friend told me that his wording suggested that he might. That he just had some more things to work through. Now I don't know where my head is all over again. I can't let myself believe that there is still a chance, because then I will never be able to look forward. All it does is make me incredibly angry. I was contemplating all kinds of crazy things last night, just to make the anger and the pain go away. I'm scared. I'm scared that one of these days, the anger is going to win, and I'm actually going to go through with these things. I'm scared that no one will be able to stop me, because no one will see it coming.
I'm calm right now, and I was in a decent mood until I went onto this funny "flirting" website here at Hope. I found a couple posts from his residents saying how cute of an RA they have. It initially made me smile, but now I feel sad and empty. Not so long ago, I would have been the envy of those girls, because I had him. But I'm calm, and I'm ok. Just... empty.
Emptiness is becoming the norm, so I should get a little more used to it. It's hard to feel anything when all of my anger, all of my hurt, everything that I have felt has finally left my body and left me a shell. So I don't hurt, I'm not mad, I don't feel a damn thing. What do I do with that?
"Who do you think you are, running around leaving scars? Collecting your jar of hearts, tearing love apart. You're gonna catch a cold from the ice inside your soul. So don't come back for me. Who do you think you are?"
--> Christina Perri, "Jar of Hearts"
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