Many things contributed to it, but the biggest thing was just the emptiness in the pit of my stomach. I don't know why it was so bad this weekend, but there was something profoundly terrible about it.
I cried yesterday over the situation with him for the first time in about a month. While I can verbally say I'm in a good place, about once a month I hit a point where I physically can't be strong for a day or a weekend. This was that weekend. All I needed was a hug from the one person who can save me from it all. But I can't really ask him for that.
I sobbed in the shower yesterday morning, and then during a confrontation with my roomie (a misunderstanding, which made me feel even worse) I cried again. And then last night I was writing a draft of the letter I am planning on delivering to him tomorrow, and I cried again. And then today in the library, a song that came on my ipod brought tears to my eyes. I feel like I'm back in Scotland all over again, but when I was there, I did have him to reassure me. And now I don't.
Part of it, I know, is because my roommate's fiancé is here. I see them and their easy, everyday love, and it makes me simultaneously angry and terribly sad. And then I hear them both saying that I deserve better than him anyways... and I lose it. I either blow up with extreme anger, or I break down and cry. And I'm tired of both of those extreme emotions.
What hurts the most? What truly hurts more than anything is just the sense of loss. The sense that the person I am isn't who he wanted. The feeling that he is already ready to move on, while I'm still floundering, trying to keep my head above water. That's what hurts the most, for me. I want him to just hold me in his arms, but I know I can't ask him for that. That's what hurts the most.
"What hurts the most is being so close, and having so much to say, and watching you walk away. And never knowing what could have been. And not seeing that loving you is what I was trying to do."
--> Rascal Flatts, "What Hurts the Most"
No comments:
Post a Comment