Day 22: two points for honesty.

For every ending, there is a new beginning.

Some things are changing in my life. I shocked myself by having a realization last night that I never thought I would have.

I started thinking that maybe all of this pain is a good thing. That doesn't make it hurt any less, that's for sure. But maybe I needed to feel it to grow up.

When I think about the relationship that I was in for two years, I think about it as a growing experience--I was a girl when it began, and I had to grow into a woman. And maybe this truly did need to end in order for me to have a completely adult relationship.

Not that we were children, but aspects of how we treated each other and how I reacted to things don't make me feel like I was the woman I should have been.

I was very demanding, very unreasonable about a lot of things. The times when he was most full of life, I brought him down because it wasn't me that made him that happy. You can't build a life on those things. And now that I can see it all more clearly, it is those times where he was so happy that I miss the most. And it kills me that I gave him so much grief about so many things.

There are several examples that stick out very clearly in my memories. He had one day a week where he would meet up with his friends and play DnD, and he was always late coming home. I would give him such a hard time, I was always upset, mad at him for choosing his friends over me. I regret that more than just about anything.

The other thing that sticks out in my mind is my intense issue with alcohol. We turned 21 together, and I had been able to avoid alcohol before this. I needed to make adjustments, and it took longer than I hoped. I think he felt restricted, when that's not what I was trying to do. I just needed to be ok with it before I had to potentially take care of him after a night out with his friends. I never meant for him to think that I didn't want him to go out with his friends. I just wasn't used to the idea yet.

I miss him more than anything, and i don't see that changing anytime soon. But I can see that the girl he loved isn't who I am anymore. I am a woman now. And he is a man instead of the boy I fell in love with. And if we could only see eye to eye, I think we could begin a whole new adventure of getting to know each other as a man and a woman. But I don't think he sees it that way. I think he wants to leave me behind just like he left his boyhood behind.

Part of me sees that I need to move on. But I don't want to let go. I loved that girl that I was, and I loved that boy I was with. And I want to be able to take that with me forever.

I will never truly let go.