He has been feeling that way towards me, sure. That definitely crossed my mind when I titled this post. But that is not what I am referring to here. Many things have led me here, actually. They have been building, escalating, until I feel like I'm stuck in a vortex of confusion, anger, and pain.
I could compare myself to Scarlett O'Hara again. Easily, for that matter. At the beginning of the book especially, but I'm going to leave it to anyone else who reads this to make this comparison. I'm going to compare myself to Beth Murphy. You don't recognize that name, you say? Well, she's one of the characters in the movie "He's Just Not that Into You." And her story is my favorite.
We first meet Beth in the apartment she has shared with her boyfriend of 7 years, Neil. Well, after a series of events, she ends up breaking up with Neil, because he doesn't want to marry her, and that's what she wants. Anyways, that's not the point of the story, that's just how we get to the point.
After Beth and Neil have broken up, she is faced with an awkward conundrum. It seems like everyone is interested in her, because she is beautiful and newly single. She has people hitting on her left and right, usually in pretty disgusting or hilarious fashions. But she's not interested in anyone. She's only interested in mending her broken heart, because it is pretty obvious that she had wanted to spend her life with Neil. She doesn't want anyone else to even try to enter it, because in her heart, she's already taken.
I wish that these people who are chasing after me would watch this movie and take it to heart.
I may technically be single, but I'm not really. If I ever am again, it's going to take a long time to get there. Because in my heart, I'm still taken. He holds my heart like he's been holding his pride and his anger: deep inside him, in a place that no one else can reach.
Sure, it's flattering to have people saying these incredibly nice things to me. But they don't stick, and I'm not sure they ever will. I know who I am, but the person I have been for the last 3 1/2 months isn't me. Right now, I'm a shell of my former self, I'm empty on the inside. And the thing is, he still has me. It's only when I'm with him that I come back alive.
Please, if any of you are reading this, take it to heart, if you can. It's not you. It's me. Cliché as it sounds, it's all I have to give. I can't give you myself, because I don't possess myself. He has me, and there's nothing I can do about that.
"Do I turn you on at all when I kiss you, baby? Does the sound of me wanting you drive you crazy? Do I have your love? Am I still enough? Tell me, don't I? Or tell me, do I, baby, give you everything that you ever wanted, or would you rather just turn away and leave me lonely? Do I just need to give up and get on with my life? Baby, do I?"
--> Luke Bryan, "Do I"
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